OCEAN’S TWELVE

3.5 Stars
Year Released: 2004
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 125 minutes

IN THEATERS! There aren’t a lot of films around that one can truly say you get your money’s worth, but with the “Ocean’s” movies you most certainly do. This film’s twelve times better than anything else on offer at the moment…


Posted on December 11, 2004 by

SALEM’S LOT (DVD)

3 Stars
Year Released: 2004
MPAA Rating: Unrated
Running Time: 127 minutes

David Soul fans picket the office – in its entirety. Next to the original, it’s a ripper…


Posted on October 30, 2004 by

PAULY SHORE IS DEAD

PAULY SHORE IS DEAD
3.5 Stars
Year Released: 2003
MPAA Rating: Unrated
Running Time: 100 minutes

Seems Pauly’s career’s in limbo, and somewhere along the line he came to the conclusion that he’d be more popular if he were dead. Or at least, that’s the way the story goes in the film…


Posted on September 2, 2004 by

KING ARTHUR

2 Stars
Year Released: 2004
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 127 minutes

IN THEATERS! The filmmakers have been forced to expunge engaging fluff and virtuoso for ‘the real story’ which essentially consists of little more than folks with the same names as those in the ‘Camelot’ tale, a skirmish on ice, and grog guzzling ogres with axes…


Posted on July 12, 2004 by

SPIDER-MAN 2

5 Stars
Year Released: 2004
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 127 minutes

IN THEATERS! Not since “The Empire Strikes Back” or “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade” has a sequel been so darn satisfying. From the eye-popping action sequences to the impressive cast, everything here works as well as it did the first time around…


Posted on July 1, 2004 by

SOUL PLANE

3 Stars
Year Released: 2004
MPAA Rating: R
Running Time: 100 minutes

IN THEATERS MAY 28TH! This is unlike any flight you’ve ever been on – there’s a disco upstairs, a gambling room, a musical video to kick off your flight and a guy with a 50 foot schlong ready to seduce your Caucasian wife…


Posted on May 24, 2004 by

THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW

3.5 Stars
Year Released: 2004
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 100 minutes

IN THEATERS MAY 28TH! If you’re the type that doesn’t mind leaving your thinking cap with the usherette before the show, you’re going to have one hell of a time, and get an economical ‘environmental’ sermon as well…


Posted on May 20, 2004 by

VAN HELSING

2.5 Stars
Year Released: 2004
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 100 minutes

IN THEATERS, MAY 7TH! You know the no-name brand Pizza Pocket? Looks great, is darn appealing, yet when you take a big bite out of it, there’s nothing in the middle? “Van Helsing” is much the same. Even fans of the B-movies of yesteryear are likely to find the theatre’s illuminated exit sign more mesmerising for a few minutes here and there…


Posted on May 4, 2004 by

THE GIRL NEXT DOOR

3 Stars
Year Released: 2004
MPAA Rating: R
Running Time: 109 minutes

IN THEATERS! In the new film, “The Girl Next Door”, a teenage Emile Hirsch falls head over heels for a porn star who consequently opens his eyes to the world, teaches him a thing or two about the horizontal mambo and unfortunately introduces him to some rather seedy work associates…


Posted on April 11, 2004 by

LOVES BROTHER

LOVES BROTHER
3 Stars
Year Released: 2004
MPAA Rating: Unrated
Running Time: 100 minutes

Whilst nothing outstanding, and perceptibly nothing that’s going to pull the Australian Film Industry out of it’s doldrums, “Loves Brother” is still a lovely flick for the whole family and it shouldn’t take too much swaying for the young females of the crowd…


Posted on March 30, 2004 by

NED KELLY

3.5 Stars
Year Released: 2003
MPAA Rating: R
Running Time: 109 minutes

IN LIMITED RELEASE! This is as Hollywood as an Australian film could get, right down to the pulsating music, Oscar worthy narrative and “Young Guns” like showdown at the Glenrowan Inn. While the picture mightn’t be painted as accurately as some may argue, Jordan’s film is still riveting cinema…


Posted on March 29, 2004 by

EULOGY

3 Stars
Year Released: 2004
MPAA Rating: R
Running Time: 100 minutes

OPENING MAY 21ST! The family patriarch has just passed and the surviving members of the family are reluctantly reunited at Grandma’s house to mourn his passing, prepare his funeral and ultimately, scribble down a eulogy. Unfortunately there’s not a lot of good that can be said about Grandpa…


Posted on March 7, 2004 by

THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RETURN OF THE KING

5 Stars
Year Released: 2003
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 127 minutes

IN THEATERS! You’ll be hard pressed looking for a flaw in “Return of the King”, it’s an immaculate end to one of the best film trilogies ever. And at three and a half hours, you definitely get your money – and entertainment’s – worth. I tell you what though, I’m the Lord of my Ring, and I don’t know if I can stand putting it through another few hours like that. As great as it was, my rear end’s thankful it’s over…


Posted on December 18, 2003 by

BIG FISH

4.5 Stars
Year Released: 2003
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 100 minutes

IN THEATERS! If you’re a fan of Tim Burton, you’ll enjoy “Big Fish”, it’s got all the weird and wonderful elements you’ve come to expect and enjoy about the eccentric directors films and more. If you’re not a fan of Burton, you’re going to like it even more…


Posted on December 10, 2003 by

THE MISSING

3 Stars
Year Released: 2003
MPAA Rating: R
Running Time: 127 minutes

IN THEATERS, NOVEMBER 26TH! Sooner or later, even the most easily brainwashed cinemagoer is going to come to the realization that the combination of fine actors and fine directors doesn’t always make for the best movies…


Posted on November 24, 2003 by

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