Silent Hill has created quite a stir on the internet after its release. Internet travelers have polluted message boards all across the internet with praise - Silent Hill was to be the best video game adaptation into film ever made. Ever.

But let’s look at what we have to choose from. The video game “genre” of cinema was doomed from the start. Does anyone remember Super Mario Bros.? The year was 1993 and the tagline promised that the film we were to watch wasn’t indeed a game, but instead it was to be a live action thrill ride. In reality, it was a live action bore-fest. Bob Hoskins (who replaced Danny Devito) played Mario and John Leguizamo played Luigi. It was the first movie to ever be based on a video game. Unfortunately, it would not be the last.

1994 brought us two cinematic masterpieces like never before - Double Dragon and Street Fighter (sadly, Raul Julia’s last performance). Again, two wretched pieces of cinema that was less exciting than passing a bowel after eating Taco Bell.

With the arrival of 1995, auteur Paul W.S. Anderson exploded on to the scene with his adaptation of Mortal Kombat. Some video game fanatics were impressed, and the film made some decent coin (enough for a sequel entitled Mortal Kombat: Annihilation to spawn). Unfortunately for us, Anderson would keep making films - none of them worth the script pages they were written on or film they burned on. Soldier and Event Horizon come to mind, but Anderson gave the video game world another disappointment with the messy (messy in filmmaking style, not in gore) Resident Evil in 2002 (also spawned a sequel, Resident Evil: Apocalypse).

My personal favorite video game autuer is a fine German chap by the name of Uwe Boll. If you haven’t heard this name before, you obviously haven’t been on a film related website ever in your life. To date, he has tackled this genre three different times - each worse than the one before it. House of the Dead (2003), Alone in the Dark (2005) and BloodRayne (2005). Three films of craptacular degree. He shoots his films in the style of a straight-to-video movie starring Jean-Claude Van Damme (also in Street Fighter which should have been straight-to-video).

Now we have Silent Hill. Is it the “Best Video Game Movie” ever made? Well, compared to the other ones, a piece of poop rubbed on my cheek is better. Silent Hill may very well be the best video game movie ever (thanks to director Gans, it’s the best looking one at least) but it still falls short of what one could call good. I’ve played the first game, I know how it goes. The thing that ruled about the game is that nothing was really fully explained. That kept it creepy. With this movie, screenwriter Roger Avary chose to over explain stuff that didn’t need it while not explaining the stuff that came from nowhere. And the dialogue - terrible. All in all, it’s not quite a noble effort, nor is it terrible either. It’s one of those movies that only require one viewing, though if you don’t see it once, you wouldn’t be missing anything.

I want to propose another adaptation that should be made. Bad Dudes. Two guys walking the streets fighting ninjas and such on the top of moving semi-trucks. Making a movie of that would probably rule. As long as they kept the backstory out. “Why are these really bad dudes fighting ninjas?” Who cares. Leave it alone.

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The first time I ever attended the “Cedar Rapids Independent Film Festival.” was back in 2002. Since then, everything about the film festival has improved each following year.

Festival screenings once took place in a college auditorium and all movies were played on a big screen. Thanks to Bruce Taylor, owner of Collins Road Theatres in Marion (just on the edge of Cedar Rapids), the festival now has a permanent home with three full theater screens playing each day.

Collins Road Theatres owner Bruce Taylor said at the festival, “When we opened about two and half years-ago, I promised I was going to bring movies to Cedar Rapids that otherwise wouldn’t be shown here. The event that we have this weekend is the epitome of films that would never be shown in Cedar Rapids.” There is a definite focus on screening independent films year-long at this theatre - setting it apart from all other theaters in the area. Oh and let’s not forget what else sets this theatre apart from the others - REAL BUTTER!

Believe me you, if you are not aware of this fact by the time the festival is over, you apparently were not in the presence of Bruce Taylor. During every presentation Taylor was involved in, the word “butter” eventually surface and justifiably so. We all know what most theaters serve these days and it’s not real butter. In fact, nothing about it is real. The real butter available here is an extra benefit for theatre-goers.

Taylor, along with CRIFM (Cedar Rapids Independent Filmmakers) board members Scott Chrisman, Eric Dean Freese, Christina Miller and Carrie Miell have created a fun venue that allows filmmakers to showcase their talent to the general audience and make connections with others in the industry.

Over 50 films were screened this year at the “Cedar Rapids Independent Film Festival” and based on the screenings I saw in previous years, the films have not only increased in quantity, but quality. I also like seeing the program filled with mostly short films - allowing us to see artistic work by more filmmakers.

I was not able to see all films this year, but I was quite impressed with the ones I did see:

“Aimee Price” (Joel Sadilek, producer) is a short film starring Anastasia Drake as Aimee Price, a 25 year-old woman who signs a contract with a mysterious antiquarian to exchange one year of youth for a life of happiness. Though skeptical, she signs it. Now 25 years later, a successful 50 year-old Aimee Smith finds the man of her dreams, but he is 28 years-old. She thinks beauty and youth will make him interested in her, so she contacts the antiquarian to demand her year of youth back. Drake’s performance is convincing as she switches back and forth from old to young and young to old throughout the movie. By the films end, you realize how lucky we are just to be alive. A very interesting piece. (40 min)

“Six Feet Frozen” (Joe Boyle, Lemonus Productions) is a heart-tugger. Buddy (Travis Shepherd) works as a grave digger at small-town cemetery and meets Grace (Amy Cronkleton), a nice girl who recognizes the kindness in Buddy. Though her boyfriend enjoys being cruel to Buddy, he later pays for it. When Grace’s cat gets lost, Buddy searches high and low until he finds the animal and returns it to Grace. This good deed turns into tragedy. Shepherd and Cronkleton give a heart-felt performance. “Six Feet Frozen” will thaw your heart and make you think about relationships and how they affect us all in the end. (33 min)

“Generation Mason” (Tommy Haines & Uptown Media, Inc) is about Mason (Spencer Gillis) who has bright future and is on track for a very happy life. This twenty-something is college-educated, has a good job and a beautiful, loyal girlfriend Angie (Brittany Benjamin). However, the more he hangs out with his old college friends who live for partying, he spends less time with Angie. As I watch this story unfold, I just wanted to reach into the screen and slap Mason for throwing away his future with this girl. I enjoyed sitting through all 85 minutes because of the chemistry between the actors - the characters portrayed were simply fun to watch. It was real. When the film ends, we can only hope for the best for Mason.

“Souvenir” (Insane Mike Saunders & Jason Bolinger) is the perfect date movie - it’s scary and short. You know how girls spend all that time in the bathroom applying make-up just to impress us guys? Well Christine is doing just that in her boyfriend’s bathroom. While freshening up, she carries on a friendly conversation with him as he stands outside the closed door. Everything is fine until she opens up a drawer. Though they never show what’s in the drawer, the horror on her face indicates there is nothing in her make-up bag that could make it better. When the boyfriend suspects she is on to something, he decides its time to go to the bathroom. I like the way the dialog becomes more intense each and every minute as the boyfriend discovers his girlfriend stumbled on his mysterious drawer. (8 min)

“The Haunted Guitar” (Lee Buchenau, 7 min), a black&white silent that provided a nice, ghostly story depicting how a one musician is not ready to leave his stringed instrument behind after death. Another creepy movie was “Movie Night” (Vincent Brown, 7 min)) about a girl who is chased by a supernatural entity in her own home. Ever see something move in the corner of your eye? This thing might be it. “The Large Mouth Frog” (Spencer James Park, 1:26 min) was absolutely hilarious! This animation depicts a frog going from place to place asking various species what to feed her babies. The credits are equally funny as we watch the man behind the voice talk like the frog.

Max Allan Collins (right) talks with
CRIFM board member Eric Dean Freese

Seminar presenters this year included John Houghton (Director of Photography), John Reasoner (Multi-Media Director, Rockwell Collins) and Bettendorf, Iowa filmmakers Scott Beck and Bryan Woods. I did attend the session with Beck and Woods and they are very excited about filmmaking and for good reason. In 2005, the two 21 year-old filmmakers won MTVU’s “Best Film on Campus Contest.” What does this mean for them? For starters, they won a home theatre system (which they sold on Ebay to put the money toward future filmmaking) and a development deal with MTV Films.

Scott Beck (left) and Bryan Woods (right)
MTVu Contest Winners

Beck and Woods (Blueboxlimited.com) discussed a variety of filmmaking topics including how to make movies at a very inexpensive price. “Making films today is not expensive. It’s cheap because of digital,” said Woods. “Most of the budgets for our films have been $50 to $300.” Casting people to work for free certainly helps, too..

Film is generally too expensive for the average independent filmmaker - and much more difficult to edit. Digital allows almost anyone to make a movie on some level. In fact, Woods encourages anyone with a digital camera to start now. “Just keep making as many movies as you can and you’ll learn from experience,” said Woods.

Experience, for Beck and Woods, is the what got them where they are today. Taking on multiple tasks such as editing, directing, sound, cinematography, and writing is not only cost-effective - it will benefit you in the long-run. Beck said, “When you’re working with a larger crew, you can understand what each person is doing and appreciate what they are doing.”

When the festival concluded, all was invited to the LongBranch restaurant/bar for the post-festival party. I figured we would all go there and relax and talk about how wonderful this year’s festival turned out. Nope! Let’s just put it this way. When you invite a bunch of filmmakers and actors to a bar on Karoke night - look out! Check out the Critic Doctor Photo Gallery and you’ll see what I mean.

The “Cedar Rapids Independent Film Festival” is getting better and better with each year. Of course, Bruce Taylor might say, “It’s getting butter and butter each year!” Either way, we’re right!

Ok folks, I’m now off to “Roger Ebert’s Overlooked Film Festival” for a full week of films. Critic Doctor will examine each of Ebert’s film reviews he wrote for the movies he hand picked to show at tis year’s festival. Will I agree or disagree? Stay tuned for full coverage.

Until next time, Critic Doctor is out. See ya!

- Critic Doctor

http://www.criticdoctor.com

http://www.myspace.com/criticdoctor

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People sure were stupid in 1986. In July of that year, John Carpenter’s amazing film of adventure and intrigue, Big Trouble in Little China, was released in cinemas. The sad thing there was no one really saw it. It was a “bomb” if you will. Not “Tha Bomb” (although the film is indeed Tha Bomb), it was a regular bomb, like the kind that dude in the woods used to make and mail to people.

This movie is so good. But no one saw it. 20 years later, people are still just as stupid. Slither leaked out of theaters faster than a blink of the eye, yet, Scary Movie 4 is pulling in an astonishing amount of coin. I guess the point of that story is we (the audience I mean) will always be a little dumb. That’s what makes being alive so much fun.

I have an excuse for missing Big Trouble in Little China in its theatrical glory. It was 1986, a year I’ll never forget, and perhaps one of the worst years in my life. I was about 5 years old then. My parents’ tumultuous relationship was coming to a close. They divorced that year. I don’t remember caring all that much about the separation (even then I thought divorced ruled because people that shouldn’t be together should indeed go their own ways) but I did care because I wouldn’t see my dad everyday anymore.

I was indeed sad. A few months after that happened, in a winter month, my good dog (a German Shepherd for you dog people) decided to call it quits. I walked out to his little doggie house to give him some food and water and I found him lying on his side. “Hey Corky, you okay?” I asked. “No, I don’t feel too good today Mike,” he replied. I went back into the house and told my mom. She then called my dad. I then went back outside to kick it with Corky, who was still just lying there on the ground, motionless except for his chest moving in and out as he inhaled and exhaled.

My dad arrived moments later with his old Nissan Sentra station wagon. He said, “This doesn’t look too good Mike. I am going to take him to the vet now.” He rolled Corky up in a blanket and put him in the back seat. My dad then hugged me and said, “You might want to say goodbye to him now.” I knew when he said it that I would never see Corky again. I looked into the window and Corky looked back at me. I gave him a little wave, then watched my dad drive off. I never did see Corky again.

1986 was indeed a terrible year. My dad and mom split, my dog died, my first hamster died (I left that part out on purpose) and Big Trouble in Little China was financially screwed. Being only five years-old, growing up with a single working mom, I never found a ride to theater that year to see Big Trouble. I was sad.

The following year or so, HBO decided to play the hell out of this movie. Thankfully, my mom still had HBO, so I watched it every time it was on. My mom used to actually get angry because everytime she came home from work, I was watching a crappy VHS dub she made for me. I must have seen that movie 237892344 times by now. And I love every second of it, still to this day.

To John Carpenter and Kurt Russell, I am sorry that I didn’t see your film in the theater. I highly doubt my 1986 dollars would have helped you or the film anyway, but it’s the thought that counts. I have since purchased it on VHS and DVD (the awesome 2-disc spectacular) to make up for the trouble.

When are you guys going to get back together and make another good movie? Do it for Corky.

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I can’t express in words how much I love Terminator 2: Judgment Day, nor do I wish to bore you with such intimate details. What I can and will tell you though, is that this film that got me so interested in film, even more than The Empire Strikes Back did.

A couple of years ago, however, I had my heart crushed. Just like I did a year prior when Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones came out. I am a big Star Wars fan, a real one if you will, as I do not yet own the original trilogy on DVD because they are in fact not the original trilogy no matter what you keep telling yourself. But I digress.

In 2003, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines was unleashed on the world. There was a part of me that was kind of pumped. From what I read, and what the trailer told me, this new Terminator villan would have the power to give our hero Terminator a virus. That’s a pretty cool concept. Then I thought of all the possible negatives. No Hamilton, no Cameron, no William Wisher, and no Brad Fiedel. The only things this film had in common with the others were Arnold and Earl Boen.

I remember the day I finally saw Terminator 3 like it was yesterday. It was one of the worst days of my life. It wasn’t as bad as the day I saw Attack of the Clones but almost as bad as when I saw War of the Worlds. This film was bad from start to finish. “Talk to that hand.” Were they kidding me? That line wasn’t even funny in 1989, when it first became popular. In 2003? It’s even more unfunny. But the writers of T3 found it funny enough to put in the film twice. Then, John Connor narrates how he was 13 when the Terminator saved his life. What? Did these screenwriters not watch part two? Check out the screen in the police car when the T-1000 looks Connor up in the computer. It says he is 10 years-old, how can you fuck that up?

The following excerpt is from a review I had written to submit to Film Threat for consideration to be a writer. You can obviously figure out the outcome.

TERMINATOR 3: RISE OF THE MACHINES - *

By Michael Ferraro

Terminator 3: The Rise of the Machines starts off as a bad joke and ends up as a nuclear bomb. This movie makes a mockery of everything the first two films did right. The subtle humor and wit of James Cameron’s (The Terminator and T2: Judgment Day) films turn into dim-witted and obsolete one-liners. The awe-inspiring special effects and incredible action of the previous efforts turn into cheap looking computer generated effects and loud, yet simplistic action set pieces.

Nick Stahl (who was wonderful in In the Bedroom) plays a wimpy version of Edward Furlong’s John Connor, the victim of previous assassination attempts by the terminators. In T2, Furlong played John Connor with a sense of sincerity and determination - Stahl’s John Conner doesn’t seem like he could run your local chapter of the Boy Scouts, let alone lead the human resistance to survival.

This time, first-timer Kirstanna Loken plays the evil Terminator. Her mission is to destroy John Connor and 21 other individuals who are instrumental in fighting against the man-made, yet self-aware computer defense system, “Skynet.” Arnold Schwarzenegger is yet again sent by the resistance to “ensure the survival” of John Conner. Arnold must also protect a newfound veterinarian friend Kate Brewster, played by Claire Danes.

While Terminator 3 suffers on just about every conceivable level of what is considered decent entertainment, the worst aspect is the writing. Cameron’s movies left you with little, if any, questions about the logic of the characters. With this latest installment, directed by Jonathan Mostow (Breakdown) and written by John Brancato and Michael Ferris (The Game), logic gets tossed out the window. In the first two movies, the Terminator did anything he could to stay out of the hands of the authorities. Terminator 3 has Arnold doing things that leave him very susceptible to anyone with two eyes and ears. The irrationality of a scene where Arnold shoplifts beef jerky seems to only fuel a wisecrack at the end of the scene that would cause the most devoted Terminator fans to shake their head in shame.

Considering the company (Industrial Light and Magic) and the huge budget ($175 million), the effects of this movie seem dated. The first sequel was made over a decade ago and yet ILM’s computer effects looked seemingly fresh compared to T3 (and most other effects-heavy films, even to this day). For example, instead of using prosthetic face makeup to add some metal and texture to Arnold’s mug, the filmmakers decided to use digital effects instead, making the Terminator’s battle-scared face look even more fake than it should be.

The big question: should the Terminator series have continued without James Cameron? As of right now, the answer is no. Cameron crafted both The Terminator and T2 with a serious yet sincere touch toward his material which allowed the series to stand up on it’s own despite its typical sci-fi reality-bending sensibilities. Terminator 3 seems more like a spoof of the original films, removing all of the excitement and surprise of the series and resorting to formulas of a typical sequel. If human beings keep making films like this, maybe the machines should rise against us.

*End Review*

Now I hear they are working on Terminator 4. Same screenwriters (who also wrote Catwoman) are working on it too. How utterly excited I am.

I had a dream last night. It sort of went like this:

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The glorious Pete Vonder Haar and his recent article on Hollywood’s hatred towards its audience got me thinking. Studios now think it’s a good idea to not screen their trash for us critic-types. Why? As Pete proved with The Benchwarmers example, if people want to see crap, they flock to it. And 20 million dollars proves my theory correct. I saw Benchwarmers because it wasn’t screening in Pete’s city (or he made a smart decision and skipped it). It was as horrible, if not worse, than you could think.

But that doesn’t matter. People still saw it. In the press screening I attended, people were actually laughing at the numerous fart jokes. Farts, funny. This is something I can’t quite understand. But they understood it well.

Late last year, Rogue Pictures decided to unleash one of last year’s worst films, Cry_Wolf. I reviewed that film as well for Film Threat, even though they decided not to screen it for critics. Being the curious sort I am, I snuck into the public screening (which was the day before it was released theatrically) and my review was posted the very next day. I’d like to think I might have had something to do with it (but I know better), the film didn’t really roll in coin like some may have expected. Sure, the film (according to IMDB) only had a million dollar budget and it made 10 million theatrically, but still, it vanished faster than Jaleel White’s career.

Point is, we critics are still going to go. No matter what, you can’t keep us down. I saw and reviewed Deuce Bigalow II (for another publication) even though you didn’t want me to. I saw and reviewed Venom even though you didn’t want me to. I saw and reviewed Alien Vs. Predator even though you didn’t want me to. I saw and reviewed Catwoman even though you didn’t want me to.

Point is, we’ll find you. And it’s not like critics are the reason no one sees these films. When someone sees a trailer for Gigli, they are automatically turned off. I’m even thinking that if Ebert or the New York Times gave that movie a perfect review, people still wouldn’t have seen it.
I have an idea for you studios so terrified of critical backlash - and I think it’s a pretty darn good one - just stop making crap. Find the person that read Catwoman and greenlit it, and fire them. Punch them in the face first, then fire them. Your attempts to keep us out of the loop only demonstrate how un-proud you are of the films you produce. That says something to an audience right there. “See this movie, even though, we hate it.”

Well guess what… we hate it too.

Maybe we (being the few critics that screened it) were a little harsh on a few films of yours. How about this, I’ll put in a good word for you:

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