Posted by Felix Vasquez Jr. in Writer's Corner at 12:14 AM
PDT
Granted, I love M. Night Shyamalan’s films so far.
I thought his previous films were all excellent pieces of work. And I really anxiously anticipated the release of “Lady in the Water.”
But when I was done with it, I really wanted to throw him through a fucking window.
A week previous to the film’s release, “Entertainment Weekly” released an excerpt of Shyamalan’s newest book which chronicles his tug of war with executives at Dreamworks who anxiously wanted him to retool “Lady,” and like every other writer, Shyamalan paints himself as the artist fighting for his work.
But then again, this is Shyamalan fighting for a really terrible piece of filmmaking. One that would have benefitted from retooling.
I was disappointed with “Lady in the Water.” Not only was it boring, one-dimensional, and bland, but it’s also Shyamalan’s most self-congratulatory piece of work to date.
Whether it’s the jabbing at film critics, or placing himself in the movie, the film just comes off as self-defeating, ridiculous, and the excerpts from the book come off as a bad omen. Shyamalan constantly muses about how he fought with these executives for the integrity of his film, and on how they never really understood what he was going for.
I’ve loved all of what he’s directed so far, but with “Lady” I could see what the executives were saying.
“Lady” is pretty bad, and that’s because Shyamalan is so obsessed with patting himself on the back, and he’s so in love with his own imagination, his film never binds together. So obsessed is he with creating lore and magic, that he never bothers to include engaging characters and an exciting climax. The film is pointless, even with all the talent in it.
Two of the biggest and most laughable caveats involve characters.
One of which is played by Bob Balaban, who is a tight knit obnoxious movie critic who always manages to point out a moment in his time compared to a movie. He’s not well liked and ignored in the building of oddities, and has no taste for them, either. Shyamalan, like Rob Zombie, anxiously tries to spoof the movie critic, and both fail miserably.
Zombie’s depiction of the movie critic was as this mustachioed spaz citing movie knowledge like a weapon, an irony since Zombie happens to also be a movie geek. Shyamalan’s own depiction of the movie critic is much more unbearable.
Balaban, a purposely unlikable character, dies so quickly and abruptly that no one ever draws notice to his sudden lack of presence. Shyamalan’s statement “One movie critic dies, and no one cares, because there are so many others to come,” is toppled by Shyamalan’s fall into the horror movie lapse of logic. A character dies, and suddenly he escapes the consciousness of everyone else.
Worst of all, before he’s killed by the grass beast, he turns around to the door, and points out how he’ll manage to escape only seconds before the beast runs after him, and he then proceeds to die a horrible death.
If this is the best Shyamalan can do to spoof his critics, well then he’s perhaps not as talented as I gave him credit for.
Because the message here is so obvious, so obligatory and so utterly forced, I literally wanted to know what his thought process was during this characters construction.
And worst of all, perhaps the most insane addition, is his own casting as an author.
There’s nothing wrong with directors casting themselves. Almost every director from geniuses like Hitchcock, to ass munchers like Eli Roth, practice this method for sheer novelty, and because they can.
But, you see, this author lives in the building with his wife, who is about to have a baby. He’s trying to write two books, and is constantly looked to for guidance. Before Howard’s character leaves, she explains to this man that the history book he writes will have a change on the world, be the most important piece ever written, re-shape history, and cause his son to seek an important role in politics. And just to add to the martyrdom, he will die before ever seeing this happen.
If there’s ever been such a case of a writer putting himself on the pedestal as a martyr, then this has to be the most blatant and irritating of them all. His character, even though only featured as a supporting player, is the most important character of them all, because he will help shape the world.
No one else.
Not even Giamatti’s character.
You know, Mr. Shyamalan, perhaps the executives at Dreamworks were on to something. Every once in a while these producers can be right. It can happen. Did you actually see “Lady in the Water” beyond your veil of delusions of grandeur and egomania? I really don’t think you did.
Because if you had, you’d have seen a boring, dull, bland, and pompous piece of fantasy garbage that ever graced the screen since “Dungeons and Dragons.”
It’s long been said that anyone who writes film criticism is really just a frustrated filmmaker who can’t get his shit together long enough to make a film. While I do sort of agree with that statement, I just love movies and like watching them and writing about them as much as I like making them. I actually have a degree in screenwriting as well as a smaller degree in film production. However if I’ve learned anything from Film Threat, (aside from the facts that Mark Bell is nocturnal, Mike Ferraro loves “War of the Worlds,” Eric Campos can drink a lot for a skinny dude and Chris Gore has cool hair) it’s that sometimes you might make a movie that you think is really great, but the world shouldn’t be invited to see it. If you don’t think that statement is true I have a box chock full of movies fitting that statement sitting right beside me. Trust me, it’s true.
That being said, about two and a half years ago, a friend and I made a 30 minute documentary called “Stringers.” It’s about these crazy guys who own refurbished police cars, scanners, video cameras and high-tech gadgetry. These guys sit in their cars waiting for “big” police calls then they race off to shoot footage of fires, murders, gun fights, and so forth on their cameras. After that, they rush to the local San Francisco news stations and attempt to sell the footage.
It’s a cut-throat business and these guys live on the fringes of society. If they capture something big, they can get a fat paycheck. However the job is similar to fishing. If you don’t catch anything, you don’t eat. So my friend John Beck and I set off to ride with these “Stringers” in an attempt to film something that each of us sees each night on the news, but few people know about. Plus, what could be better than a high speed chase through San Francisco in an old police car being driven by a guy with a mullet? That’s a movie everyone wants to see! Or so we thought.
When all was said and done, “Stringers” was a hair over 30 minutes. I thought it would make an excellent TV show (and I still do) so I began pitching it as such. Each week we would travel to a new city and tail a stringer as they await the big story. Being the incredibly insecure person I am, I kept every rejection letter we received just to remind myself how much I suck. And if that really is a true measure, I suck….alot. Then I had the wherewithal to ask our very own Chris Gore what he thought about the project. Without even watching it, he said “dude, it’s too long. Make it like, ten minutes.” This way execs would have either seen enough and want more or know they weren’t interested. Gore then said that after I showed it around, if there were no takers, it would be easier to get into festivals the shorter it is. People, there’s a reason Gore wrote “The Ultimate Film Festival Guide.” He knows his shit. If you want to get into a film fest in your lifetime, get that book.
So we sat on the film for a while and started tinkering with it. Then we sat on it. Then, about a year/a year and a half ago, we got down to an 11 minute cut that really hits and then (hopefully) leaves you wanting more. Then, we sat on it a while longer. I was busy with different things and John was as well. I soon started realizing the place I’m happiest is at film festivals. While I’m incredibly fortunate to cover a couple a year for FT, I realized that by pulling my head out of my ass and submitting “Stringers,” I could maybe attend some festivals…as a filmmaker! Duh! Wow. Sometimes you spend so much time daydreaming, you don’t realize the key to your dreams is sitting on your desk!
So I consulted Gore’s book and took his advice of picking a few festivals that I really thought we had a chance at getting into. Submitting your film ain’t cheap so I just chose two for the time being; Mill Valley and the Austin Film Festival. My reasons were that Mill Valley is pretty big and we’re local. Seems like we would be hedging our bets by going for something local. I picked Austin because I absolutely love Austin. They have a really great festival for both films and panelists and I already planned on going to SXSW in March with Film Threat so what could be better than two trips to the coolest city in the land? So, I joined Without a Box paid my money and submitted. And waited. And waited. And waited. Then, I got a new addition to my rejection file.
Mill Valley wasn’t into “Stringers.” Shit! If a local fest wasn’t into it, Austin wasn’t going to dig it either. I knew it. I also knew something else…you should never try anything because you’ll probably just fail. Then…I got a call from Austin. It was their docs programmer John and he had left a message. The first thought that came to mind was “seems weird they’d waste a phone call just to tell me we didn’t get in.” Then I figured maybe we did get in! Holy shit! I finally reached John in Austin and just like that, “Stringers” would find an audience. We were accepted into the fest and will be in the competition for documentary shorts!
This blog entry is the first in what will be a chronicling of my journey to the Austin Film Festival. We have a ton of work to do to get ready for the fest so stay tuned.
Posted by Felix Vasquez Jr. in Writer's Corner at 12:04 AM
PDT
Okay, buddy. Okay.
I see what it is.
Here’s a little iota of advice for you, from someone much younger than you are.
Not everyone is going to like you.
In life, in social situations, in business, and even in the creative industry.
Not everyone is going to like you. I’m very sure there are many people who dislike my writing. I’m sure there are people anxious to have me leave Film Threat. People who would wish I’d quit this place and disappear.
But you know what? I accept that. And I don’t lose sleep on it. Because that’s the risk of being in a creative field. It’s a pre-requisite. You’ll have just as much people saying “You suck” as there are people saying “You’re amazing.”
But what of people who voice incessant anger at people who have no say in how you create? Why call certain people out among your friends, and call them malcontents and losers? How pitiful is that? What kind of director does that? Uwe Boll does that. Are you as bad as Uwe Boll?
I’ve seen your work, and trust me, you and Boll need to get together.
Hey, people just won’t like you. That’s just how it is. And you either grow up and go about your business, or you take time out of your “busy schedule” and bitch about people who you’ve never met, whom have no real relevance to how your films are created, and gripe and moan and bitch.
And then you write stuff like this: “From top to bottom, Producers down to Craft Service, the [studio] is made up of the “cool” kids from high school. Not the “nerds” who sat by themselves. There is a difference between the film “geeks” that we are and the “nerds” who enjoy films with no plots that meaninglessly objectify women. Perhaps that is why our films enjoy much more critical success with critics and audiences that are more main stream, while the “gore hounds” are relentlessly evil.”
And then later on, whilst giving us utterly terrible films, you complain that horror fans just don’t like you and what you do, and bash the audience when they notice that all your films have been nothing but carbon copy low budget reproductions of big budget films.
You defend these actions, you go to verbal war on these actions, you proclaim your copies as better than the originals, you hold no shame in committing these plagiarisms, and then you unleash your horde of plants on IMDB to smash and verbally abuse anyone who proclaims that the movie wasn’t good.
And I’ve seen your original stuff, and trust me, it just isn’t good, either.
Why get so worked up, why bad mouth, and why bitch about people who don’t judge how your life is conducted? I simply watch the films. I don’t make them, I sure as hell don’t produce them, and yet you still feel inclined to bad mouth those who dislike your movies, why?
Haven’t you learned anything from the cool kids from high school? Haven’t you learned in your posturing as an “artist” never to pay mind to those who dislike what you put out there?
You: “Good job, [Felix], maybe you made [the actress] cry!”
You assume because I’ve criticized your repeated casting, and the limited abilities of said actress, that I’d make her cry? Maybe I did make her cry. Or maybe, just maybe, as an actress, she’s learned to let criticism roll off her back. Maybe she’s more evolved in terms of artistic merit than you are for that simple fact that perhaps she saw the criticisms and said “Fuck ‘em, I’ll keep doing what I do.”
You: “At least watch the f’ing movies before you trash them.”
Oh, trust me, man, I’ve seen many of your company’s films, and I really can criticize with enough knowledge that your films are made for the sole purposes of cashing in and retaining a miniscule profit off of big budget films. And while normally, I’d never pay to watch “When a Stranger Calls,” I’d personally never pay to watch its carbon copy.
Hey, lean in closer to the screen. Can you see well enough? Perhaps leaning in closer can help you gain a better understanding of the message. Not everyone will like you. Especially when you plagiarize without apology, or explanation, or shame. You don’t create knock offs, you simply plagiarize, and I just don’t respect that.
You’re xeroxing a horror classic, and then boasting that this movie will be better. Or more so, here are the exact words straight from the bloated horse’s mouth:
“[Rip-off Movie] is an old school “modern” horror film. You can’t watch it and not think of HALLOWEEN or the old FRIDAY THE 13th films. But in many ways, it is superior to those movies. The acting in [Rip-off Movie] is far superior to anything I’ve ever seen come out of this sub-genre.”
You never admit this is a carbon copy, you never tell your “fans” that you were inspired by “Halloween,” and you just completely dismiss the aforementioned titles. There’s boasting about a project, and then there’s pure narcissism. And even if this does end up being completely different from “Halloween,” your insistence on connecting the two is deception, and further proof of your weight in this industry. And I’ll pass over the practice of including positive quotes on the back of your movie covers that mysteriously don’t have critical sources.
And hell, even if the films you actually created were watchable, I still wouldn’t respect you. Hell, Eli Roth may not be talented, and he gets a lot of shit from me, but he keeps going on and doesn’t particularly let the bad feedback dictate how his career goes. But, hey, the films aren’t watchable. You’ve created a film about 9/11 when you can’t even properly create a knock off of a film about snakes on a plane! How can you expect to have fans?
Hey, don’t stop making films. Don’t stop. You don’t have to. You have to pay the bills. People have to work. Fine.
But if you do intend on continuing this practice of imitating big budget films, then you best be prepared to suffer the criticism of audiences and critics who find your insistence on doing so shameless, pathetic, and damaging to the independent film circuit.
You’re an enigma.
You cite PPV and rental as proof to success of your company, yet you complain about what people say about you on message boards, you say you’re a professional, yet you get mad at the negative feedback saying that we’ll make the actors cry, you say your company is made up of the “cool” kids and not the nerds, yet you act like a nerd whining and moaning when someone criticizes you, you claim creating these rip offs are just retain enough money to create original films, yet you later explain that you’d rather create these rip-offs then make an original movie.
Which is it?
I’ve seen many of your films, and I’m not a fan. I think they’re awful. But you know what? That’s one man’s opinion. Why should one man matter? Go with the eternal cop out of citing money to measure success, and then resort (which I know you will) to saying that “critics just don’t matter to you.”
Now, deem this as an uncalled for attack all you want, and brag to your friends how I resorted to the same practices you did. By all means, do that, but recall I’m one critic. And remember that at the end of the day, you’re still making lousy movies at a dilapidated office, and defending them to me like I’m Leonard Maltin. How pathetic is that?
Go back to your studios, and enjoy the praise from your friends, but just be careful the rug isn’t pulled from under you by reality.
And, if you’re like me and you love Jackass, check out Film Threat’s Pete Vonder Haar’s five-star review of Jackass Number Two. Pete is one of the few movie critics who actually gets it. I love Pete.
As a lover of all things Jackassy, then you would probably also love the Darwin Awards. The geniuses who compile these “awards” definitely have a similar twisted sense of humor as Knoxville and his co-horts. These are awards given to, well, I’m not actually sure if they are given to anyone, since the recipients are generally deceased. Anyway, these awards are presented to those who have died in unusually stupid ways. Which, I suspect will be the fate for all the members of the Jackass crew at some point. I only hope they capture that moment on video.
Anyway, for your amusement, I offer to you…
The 2006 Darwin Awards
The Darwin Awards are an annual honor given to the people who improve the overall human gene pool by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year’s winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
The nominees for 2006, in reverse order, are…
7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6′ 2″ tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman’s wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl’s uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12″ long and 3″ in diameter. The tube’s other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family “very awkward”.
5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
4. A 22-year-old Reston , VA , man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. “The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,” Carmichael said. Police said the apparent cause of death was, “Major trauma.”
3. A man in Alabama died from a rattlesnake bite. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin candidate, was hospitalized.
2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition: lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ‘bright’ by his peers.
AND THE WINNER IS…
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, one Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own “balls” in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez’s scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez’s scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery… The remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.
NOTE: This last one wouldn’t normally qualify for the Darwins, because the idiot didn’t die. But because he now cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.
Posted by Felix Vasquez Jr. in Writer's Corner at 7:27 AM
PDT
Normally, I go off about movies, and movie related topics.
But every so often, I feel inclined to discuss television, and to give you a better view into my tastes, discuss my favorite shows.
Television and I these days are really nothing but strangers. In the past, I’d find myself struggling to decided on whether to catch my favorite shows, or watch a movie on the movie channels, but those days are long gone. Those were the days when we actually had snow storms in New York, television didn’t need a cable box to be great, and the internet wasn’t as abundant.
Now, all I use my television for are cartoons, and movies. Don’t judge me. Cartoons are comforting. They’re like that plate of cookies, or that last masturbation session you always have to calm you down after a hard day. So, rather than go obese on a large plate of chocolate chip cookies, I simply put on some “Billy and Mandy,” or “Kids Next Door” and I’m set. And they come in handy after watching something as utterly heartbreaking as “When the Levees Broke” (GREAT documentary by the way).
These days, I rarely watch anything on network television or cable television, because there’s not much that catches my interest–and no way in hell do I watch reality shows. But when I do manage to find a show I can stick with, it’s quite a treat for me.
So, being that I have no other idea what to write for today’s entry, and because I love making lists, and because I’d like to just expose my rare shows I am in love with, here’s a small list of the small number of shows I watch regularly and can not miss.
So read the list and mock me (which I’m sure you will), or move on. Either way, enjoy.
Everybody Hates Chris
I love this show mainly because I grew up like this. I was the oldest of three, I wasn’t as popular as my little brother, my little sister was spoiled, I had a very strict mother who taught me lessons, we all had to share one television, we all fought, and my dad worked five jobs to break even financially, and could never really spend as much time as he could with us. One of best moments of the series is in the pilot which made break into hysterical laughter and brought a slight lump to my throat was when Chris’ father, a well meaning man, begins listing prices for food around the house. “That’s five dollars worth of chicken you just burnt!”, “That’s 49 cent of spilt milk drippin’ all over the table. Somebody gon’ drink this milk!” My dad performed the same routine on a daily basis. And the show is funny. The show is very funny.
30 Minute Meals with Rachael Ray
Judge me, insult me, do all you must, but Rachael Ray is really hot. She has a great behind, a moderate frontal area, and she’s very sexy. She’s also rich, and can cook, but beyond those qualities, she’s very good looking. Her personality is often off the wall and goofy, but she seems like a fun person, and her shows are usually very interesting. True, she only seems to cater to the middle class, but then so does Oprah, and The View, and every other facet. Hey, I just enjoy watching Rachael walking around and cooking.
Eureka
Debrah Farentino, Salli Richardson, and Erica Cerra. I admit to not being a fan of the many shows on Sci Fi, but I really enjoy “Eureka,” for its original and weird premise. US agent stumbles upon secret town that houses the worlds best geniuses, he signs on as the sheriff, and he discovers the duties of sheriff involve stopping a death ray, and locking everyone up in jail after they become violent from a mysterious source. Colin Ferguson is hilarious here as the somewhat simple and put upon sheriff who has to deal with his rebellious daughter, psychotic computer house, a love triangle, and saving the world. There’s a wonderful ensemble cast including Erica Cerra as his militant deputy, Matt Frewer as an Australian veterinarian, Ed Quinn as Ferguson’s rival and foil, and the incomparable Joe Morton as the town mechanic and helpful hand Henry. It’s fun, and funny, and never afraid to be weird, and I love that about it.
Heroes
I’ve only seen the pilot, and I already love this. It’s “Crash” meets the Marvel universe, and I flipped over it. Wonderful acting, top notch direction, and a massive plot I hope lasts for at least one season. This places the superhero lore down into the real world, and never camps it up. Look for Hayden Panetierre as an unbreakable cheerleader. It’s a wonderful show. I can’t wait for Monday.
Veronica Mars
So, season two wasn’t all that good. There were many, many sub-plots and a finale that was anti-climactic, but I love this show. I saw the entire season one in one shot, and it really managed to stick as a surefire favorite of mine. Part “Nancy Drew,” part “Lois Lane,” and part “MacMillan and Wife,” this is a wonderful teen murder mystery serial, and who could not love Kristen Bell? She’s hot, but as the spunky Veronica Mars, she’s even hotter. And Enrico Colantoni is priceless.
Scrubs
This is yet another underrated comedy that’s miraculously lasted six seasons on NBC in spite of the constant time slot changes, and cancellations. Fans of the show are very committed, and it’s thanks to them that “Scrubs” has been on for six seasons and is coming back for yet another season. Zach Braff is hysterical, John C. McGinley is brilliant, and the show just never gets old. Last year featured the hilarious guest spot from Mandy Moore, and now Elizabeth Banks is on the series. Give this show a chance if you haven’t already, it deserves that.
Supernatural
It’s the “Hardy Boys” meets “The X-Files” with an interesting premise, and compelling characters. Sure it’s on the CW, but it’s a fun and creepy series with a damn fine storyline involving a powerful revolver that can stop demons. Season one provided an excellent finale with a shocking final scene, and I hope the second season is even better.
My Name is Earl
I love Jason Lee, I think he’s a great actor who has been in a lot of turkeys. I’m glad he found his hit with “My Name is Earl,” because it’s a hilarious show with people like Ethan Suplee and Jaime Pressley providing great supporting performances. Most of all though, Lee who has always been great as the sharp tongued wise ass transforms into the simple minded naive Earl without fail, and makes the show worth watching. But the show is also hilarious, take for example the episode where Giovanni Ribisi convinces the group to help him steal from an office and, in a feeble attempt to move out a printer, mistakenly barricade themselves inside.
What with the dawn of the new season of television, a list is only proper. I’ll be watching out for these shows to come. Even if I rarely watch anything else. As for what I watch in-between, well, there are movies. And movies. And, more movies.
Posted by Felix Vasquez Jr. in Writer's Corner at 4:35 AM
PDT
Anime and I rarely ever get along.
As you’d guess, the only anime I really love are the horror oriented ones, but then there’s Miyazaki whom I don’t count as anime, since his films transcend any sort of simple genre tag. His films are moving works of art.
Listing the actual anime I enjoy would be a list you could count on your fingers.
The “Vampire Hunter D” series, “Guyver,” “Blood: The Last Vampire,” “Akira,” “Witch Hunter Robin”… and that’s really it. As you can tell, I drift to the horror themed anime.
I’ve tried to get into it, but most times I find myself zoning out during the airings of anime during Adult Swim, or just finding the same routine mediocre junk I find all the time. I mean sure for a while I was interested in “Cowboy Bebop,” and I peruse “Trigun” every now and then, but I can’t see myself buying boxed sets of either of these shows any time soon.
Maybe I just don’t get it, but I’ve found much of what’s been shown on television as “prime” anime, has been nothing but the usual utterly boring junk that I could never get into.
As a child, my big cousin was a pure anime freak. He had posters, lithographs, action figures, models, Gundam, and especially, he had a massive collection of the Dragon Ball Z series, including its contemporaries, and every time we went to his home, he’d have my brother and I sit through hours of anime.
Even then it just wasn’t interesting. “Dragon Ball Z” is one in particular that I’ve never found much interest in. Whether cleaned up in American form or in its original bloody prime, I just could never get into it. Then there was “Pokemon,” and “Yu-Gi-Oh,” and “Digimon,” and the list goes on.
Anime’s created a real boom in this country for at least twenty years, and I laughed pretty hard when in 2004, Yahoo! News reported on the new craze called anime. It just goes to show how up to date the media can tend to be. I’m still waiting for their report on the controversial nature of hip hop.
Probably some of the worst have been “Bobobo Bobobobo,” which features an afroed pimp hero with long nose hairs, “Yu-Gi-Oh” which is an utterly brainless cartoon created solely to sell game cards, and then “Pokemon” which just will not die. “Pokemon,” much like “Power Rangers,” is a show the cable channel it airs on will continue to air until the show dies.
See, “Pokemon” is just the re-airing re-dubbed version of the original series, where as “Power Rangers” takes footage from its original show Super Sentai, which is the same basic plot. All they do is take footage, and splice in American actors who look like they jumped out of the CW.
I admit to being a “Power Rangers” freak for a long time, but alas, it’s still a pretty bad show. “Pokemon” won’t end for a while, and then there’s crappier crap (so to speak) like “Naruto,” and “Milk Chan.”
I just don’t understand the endless stream of anime junk.
Which is a hilarious thought considering my favorite films “Oldboy,” and “Battle Royale” were once manga.
One of the best stores in my neighborhood “Games and Wireless” has a staff of utterly knowledgable and friendly people. They know movies, they know customers, and they spot me free discounts. So, to appease the teen crowd, they have a huge supply of anime. Nearly the entire staff is Japanese, and they’re constantly confronted with kids who ask their opinion on Anime, and they really don’t like it either, yet have to feign interest to sell merchandise.
And I stand there hearing the kids talk about these series, and I just don’t understand the hype with it. They talk of monsters, and robots, and issues of graphic novels, and I just stand there like a man in the middle of a conversation with women. You know they’re talking English, but damned if you can understand, catch up, or bring interest to what they’re saying.
Watching an episode of “Sex and the City” is much like that, too. But, I digress.
And getting into a series is impossible. Especially on Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim who air series for a while, hype them for three months, play them for three months out of sequence, and cancel them to never play them again. It’s a damn shame.
I tried getting into “Trinity Blood” and god damn it, in spite of its interesting premise, I just can’t get into it. And then there was “Samurai 7″ which an anime re-working of the Kurosawa masterpiece, and again, boring as hell and tedious. I think it’s my natural aversion to take on a new hobby that can eat my money. I’m technically poor.
It’s why I’m not a gamer, or a Trekkie, or a crack head, or a child porn aficionado.
But hey, even the worse anime is better than “Bratz.”
Okay, so what do I think about the original theatrical versions of Star Wars on DVD? Some of you have been asking me, and it’s a simple answer, I bought them, but should you? If you want to know about some alternative Star Wars movies you may have never heard of, you should stop lurking the blog sections of profiles here and read the news on Suicide Girls especially this recent piece entitled Footage Fetishes: Get Sars Wars not Star Wars. Give it a read and you’ll discover the Brazilian Star Wars movie you probably never even heard of. And remember that if you get caught reading this story at home or work, be sure to tell the person that you read Suicide Girls for the articles. I know I do.
Oh, and remember awhile back when I mentioned something about a student documentary about MySpace… well, here it is. Please don’t take anything personal that I have said in this doc. I’m talking about my other friends, not you. This film was made by UCSD students Sally Foster, Lauren McElhatton and Dominique Osburn for Professor Louis Hock’s “Documentary Evidence” course. Anyway, if you have 10 minutes to spare, here is the doc…
Posted by Felix Vasquez Jr. in Writer's Corner at 12:10 AM
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I am officially starting a new charity. I’m going to begin collect money from people to build a legion of publicists to prevent us from having to look at pregnant celebrities.
I’m officially in the mindset that if a female celebrity is pregnant, that they should be kept from the public for a little while, not only because it’s kind of annoying, but it completely ruins the illusion. Misogynistic? Sexist? You decide. But hear me out here.
Certain celebrities are more like fantasies for young men of my age, and having to look at them with a big stomach, really ruins the fantasies, I have to say.
I am completely in love with Rachel Weisz, especially the Weisz in “The Shape of Things,” the cold calculating but utterly hot bitch who fucks over Paul Rudd. And three times I’ve had to be subjected to her pregnant self. Suffice it to say the sexual fantasy fades away.
The most egregious offense happened to be with Maggie Gyllenhaal. I won’t voice my sheer utter hatred at Peter Sarsgard for knocking my girl up, not here. I admire the man as an actor but if I ever saw him I’d have to slam a chair over his head.
Maggie Gyllenhaal is a sensuous and rather good looking woman, and she maintained that image for years with me. Whether as the flirtatious student in “Mona Lisa Smile,” the hot trailer trash blonde in “Sherrybaby,” the Goth babysitter in “Monster House,” and as the subservient secretary in “Secretary” being disciplined, she’s pretty much a staple of the whole sexual canon.
And I had to be subjected to her in “The Daily Show” boasting about her pregnancy. Granted, I’m happy she’s happy about having a baby, and congratulations, but it’s hard to look at her sexually when she’s talking about gaining weight and staggering onto the stage.
She’s no longer a sexual image, but a mother. That’s kind of gross.
I also had to watch Catherine Zeta Jones, Kate Hudson, and soon Bryce Dallas Howard wobble onto talk show seats to go on with boring banter about expecting, and child birth, and their love for kids, and then to watch the talk show host pretend to be excited for them? It’s fucking boring.
When a celebrity discovers they’re pregnant, their publicists should really keep them out of the public eye, or at best lock them up somewhere until the baby is born. I know publicists influence pregnant actresses to go out on talk shows because it shows the public how human they are, yadda yadda, but what about the fans who view them as pipe dreams?
I want to continue lusting for Maggie Gyllenhaal, don’t subject us to her as a preggo. It’s not fair to us. Won’t someone think about us for once?! How can I be expected to rub one out when preggo Maggie won’t leave my mind?! It’s cruel, man!
So, either they’re going to have to do something about the preggos, or I’m going to have to stop watching “Conan” and “The Daily Show.” I think you know who will have to buckle under the pressure, Hollywood.
And Peter Sarsgard, I’m going to get you, you motherfucker. I don’t know when, I don’t know how, and I don’t know of what capacity, but I’ll get you. How dare you knock up my honey. Being married to her is no excuse.
Disclaimer: The views expressed here are not those of Film Threat, or any of its male writers, however, if you ask them, I’m sure they can shed some thoughts and tell you some neato stories, so please, no flames from the women folk.
Yesterday I headed to Best Buy to pick up the untainted Star Wars adventures on DVD. I was one of the few strong enough to hold out buying them prior, since I didn’t want the Special Edition versions. But something happened on this trip which I can’t quite explain.
I was wandering through the action section of the DVDs when one particular title stuck out from all other titles. It was this:
The 1996 Carpenter helmed Escape from L.A.
I saw this movie once, back in like 1998, and remember disliking quite terribly. It was pretty much Escape from New York again, with nothing new or smart to offer, with a ton of really bad special effects. Like the new Star Wars trilogy for example. But I digress.
So I grabbed the DVD (with the original cover art, not the cover art pictured) and looked at it for a bit. For some reason, I really wanted to watch this movie. Like, I wanted to watch it right then and there. I wanted to open the DVD and pop in one of those big screen TV displays they had, and if one of their employees rushed me to turn it off, I would have punched them in the throat and pulled their hair.
But I didn’t let it get that far. I just held it for a while longer, while reading the back of the DVD case. After a few more moments of reflection, I looked at the price sticker on the front of the case. $6.99. Man, how could I turn that down? I couldn’t and I didn’t. So I added it to my stack, with the new Black Keys album and the Star Wars trilogy (in limited edition Best Buy magic tin). My journey to Best Buy was complete.
This has happened before - seeing a movie I didn’t really like before, on a DVD shelf at a super low price, then finding myself purchasing it. And usually, after this, I end up liking it. I haven’t watched Escape from LA since I purchased it, but I will today. And I am wondering if I will find some guilty pleasure enjoyment out of watching it again all these years later. How can someone not like this?
Posted by Felix Vasquez Jr. in Writer's Corner at 12:17 AM
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So, I finally confirmed to myself that not only am I a sucker, but the whole hobby of my love of film has officially become an obsession. To further exemplify how much of a pure sucker I am, I bought the Limited Edition Star Wars films on DVD, a while after I purchased the boxed set last Christmas. Does that make me a sucker? Oh yes, I won’t deny that.
And if you waited through the box set and bought these, then pat yourself on the back and shut up, already.
Some will say that Lucas has finally released these only as a last money grab for his initial release of the originals and the re-cuts before we have two new formats pushed on us which he will then re-release these on. But while the suckers dole out their money for two formats of film that may not even succeed, I figured I may as well get the DVD versions.
Firstly, the movie companies think consumers are suckers, and in many respects they are. I can only imagine someone buying a Blu Ray Player and a library only to have it go the way of the Laser Disc while HD-DVD dominates, or vice versa. But neither format will officially take the place of DVD for at least three years. And if one format wins out, rest assured I’ll be properly pointing and laughing at the other with the obscenely priced obsolete player, and 40 dollar relics.
I mean seriously, will you be buying two over priced players and two sets of movie libraries, neither of which can play on the other? That’s clearly insane.
I’m waiting for the dust to clear and wait to see which format wins out, though. So, no 999 dollar players, for now. In spite of previous rumors the media and tech elitists push on you, the death of the DVD format is pretty far off from now. I’d say about three years, so don’t hesitate to buy that rare film on DVD you want on the grounds of these two new formats. Hell, UMD and PSP have yet to catch on completely.
Hell, VHS is still around, just not in the glut it once was in. It’s now an affordable format for independent filmmakers, and underground movie collectors. There are stores that sell rare hard to find films which are only available on VHS for now. I still have my VHS player, I have to because the films I receive are sometimes in VHS form.
And yes, I still have my VHS collection. And when DVD dies, as long as my DVD player works, I’ll still have my DVD collection. Take that. I showed you, didn’t I?
VHS is not a dead technology it’s just not the preferred technology of consumers, anymore. And the elitist customers whom were once for VHS now mock it and prefer DVD only. Maybe it’s because they didn’t have the foresight to keep their VHS players.
I like to laugh at them because a VHS movie transfer to DVD without extras and touched up video is still essentially on par with a VHS.
Either way, I couldn’t wait long enough for one format to win out over the other. So, I bought the DVD’s of the “Limited Edition” (he said with a laugh) of the original “Star Wars” films before Lucas forced his re-cut vainly connecting his prequels to his original films. And they’re very nice. The packaging is great and it will be interesting to see the original versions. I’ve only seen them once on VHS, and it was a memorable experience.
Sure, these new DVDs are one last cash grab, and Lucas is trying hard to milk the cow again, but they’re better than the re-cuts. Now THAT is a butcher job. He makes some technical additions like adding a bigger explosion to the death star, and brightening the light sabers, but beyond that he gets out of hand.
Adding Hayden Anakin at the end of “Jedi,” replacing the voice of the original actor of Boba Fett, adding Jabba in “A New Hope,” re-arranging the dialogue between Darth and the emperor in “Empire,” and so forth; it’s pretty fucking embarrassing to watch, I must admit. And it’s painful.
These purchases are pretty interesting, because at the end of the day, you’ll be able to watch both versions on DVD, and you can keep these when six years from now people are bitching that “Star Wars” has yet to be released on “Platinum Plus.” I just made up that name, but it could be a format.
So, I’m a sucker for buying these new versions, but then that’s the curse of the movie buff, and the “Star Wars” fan.
