I know I’m a little late (story of my life) but this is THE film for Halloween parties. Read my review and you’ll see the bloody goodness that this compilation can provide. Some of the best horror movie scenes narrated by Donald Pleasance and Nancy Allen, what more could a horror movie fan ask for?
It’s hard as hell to find and it will never see the light of day on DVD, but if you can find a VHS copy, it’s totally worth it. Tomorrow’s Samhain, and that’s like the secret Halloween, so if ever you find a tape of this between now and then, it’s definitely worth playing while on a break from all the animal sacrifice.
PS: This year I went out dressed in my ”The Replacement Babysitter” costume. Whatcha think?
Damn kids! They’re such sissies nowadays! All that screaming and running away in terror. Worked out good though, a lot of them dropped their bags of candy in their mad rush to get away from me, and well… FREE CANDY!
Leave it to Roger Ebert to come up with a brilliant list of film critic do’s and don’ts; ones so painfully spot-on it’s hard to think of anyone out there that adheres to all of them (sadly). Critics, film writers, I want to hear your thoughts on this one: which rules are dead-on, experiences adhering to or breaking them and, for those of you creative enough to dream, what would the film world be like if everyone actually followed these?
“Let the Right One In” had a few strikes going against it, which kept me from seeing the film only until very recently.
A) It’s another vampire movie. Vampires are fine, but for the most part I’m uninterested. I’m not a chick so I don’t dream of a dark, handsome immortal scurrying me away to his castle to nibble on my neck all night long.
B) It’s a vampire movie about kids. Now I’m even more uninterested.
C) It’s a festival darling and I’m rarely ever impressed with a horror film that’s “making waves” on the festival circuit. I’m not trying to be difficult, but that’s just the way this cookie crumbles.
And I was wrong. I was wrong about it all in this case. And now there’s all this talk about the U.S. remake which truly is a slap in the face – to original filmmaker Tomas Alfredson and to U.S. audiences. There is no reason whatsoever to redo this masterpiece and there will be no reason to see it, so I urge all of you to check out the original as it does its limited theatrical run across the country.
Anyone can celebrate Halloween by making a list of the ten best horror films of all time. And most of those lists will have some combination of Jaws, Psycho, Halloween, The Exorcist, Evil Dead 1 or 2, and Alien, along with a couple others that are more to the writer’s individual taste. I do have a list in mind for later in the week (basically best horror movies of the decade), but for now I’d like to celebrate something foul and odious. It’s no secret that A) my wife likes horror films and B) my wife has hideous taste in films. These two components combine to create a toxic viewing experience from which I will eventually have to shield my daughter. If it’s not too late…
But, here are six of the very worst horror films my wife has forced me to watch.
Deadly Friend (1986) - I can think of no filmmaker today who is less consistent than Wes Craven. Can it possibly be true that the same man who made Wes Craven’s New Nightmare also made Vampire In Brooklyn? Can the same man be responsible for Scream and Shocker in seven short years? It appears so. While there may be no pattern for this uncommonly cerebral horror filmmaker (I’ve rented many a bad Craven movie just to listen to the commentary), no way to tell if you’re getting a Red Eye or a Cursed, there is one hard and fast rule - Wes Craven should never, ever make films about robots.
That’s right, Deadly Friend is about the previously unknown peril of putting your dead friend’s brain into the robot that you created. So, ladies and gents, if you ever happen to create a robot, please don’t put your friend’s brain in said robot… even if she was kinda cute, sorta liked you, and died violently. Aside from the absurd premise, the film is poorly acted, looks ugly and cheap, and is one of the most boring films Craven has ever made. To be fair, it does have one interesting use for a basketball, but you can probably find that on You Tube. Oh wait… I just saved you 90 minutes.
Sssssss (1973) - No, I didn’t just fall asleep at the keyboard, nor did Allison attempt to write another column. This little-seen flick tries to be the snake-version of The Fly (the 1958 original, since the superior remake wouldn’t exist for another 13 years). Basically an unwitting young man is turned into a snake by his mad scientist employer; which displeases both our hero and the scientist’s daughter, who fancies the soon-to-be-slithery lad. It’s not a terrible idea, it’s just a complete lack of follow-through. It’s a dreadfully boring film without much pay off till the very end. It’s not laughably bad, it’s just deadly dull. As my wife said ‘Ssssssucks’.
Demonic Toys vs. Puppet Master (2004) - This winner was recommended by my sister-in-law, proving that she should never, ever be allowed to babysit. I vaguely remember Puppet Master and/or Demonic Toys movies, a couple or so each, running at 3:00am in the morning on Cinemax West 2 or what not. Of course, those straight-to-video horror franchises and Die-Hard rip-off action films flamed out in the late 1990s, replaced by kids with HD camcorders making horror films in their backyard. So this could almost count as nostalgic. Not so much. Starring a 33-year-old Corey Feldman as the great-nephew of the fabled original Puppet Master, this down-on-his luck toymaker somehow has a 17 year-old daughter. So either the toymaker is supposed to be older or his kid is supposed to be younger, but they fail on both counts. Thus their interaction has a distinctly Hubert Humprey vibe throughout.
Aside from that, the film basically attempts to copy the plot of Halloween 3: Season Of The Witch, with a dash of Small Soldiers tossed in for good measure. Oh, and it’s PG-13, so any of the gory violence that you might want from a battle between a crazed toy battle is not to be found here. It’s dull, it’s terribly acted, and the previously ‘demonic toys’ are now supposed to be quasi-heroic. Not since Jason saved the day in Freddy Vs. Jason (only after committing nearly every onscreen murder) has a moral defection made less sense. Do yourself a favor and just rent Child’s Play.
The Gingerdead Man (2005) - Gary Busy, meet ‘rock bottom’. Gary Busey (in person) plays a spree killer who is executed, only to magically come back to life in the form of a giant, wise-cracking gingerbread cookie (voice only). From there, he spends the entire movie on a single set, slowly exacting vengeance on the family who sent him to the chair. If this seems like a Z-grade good time, it’s not. The production values are non-existent, the characters never leave the bake shop, and the fabled gingerbread man barely shows up on camera. This is the kind of film that might have worked with an actual budget, but as a no-budget slasher film, it’s just foul-tasting.
The Worst Witch (1986) - This TV movie isn’t technically a horror film, but I was recently forced to endure it as part of the Halloween spirit. For the record, the second film of the night, The Strangers, was much much better. This adaptation of a childrens’ book stars Tim Curry, Diana Rigg, and Fairuza Balk. Balk, it seems, hit her attractiveness peak at twelve - poor thing (Tim Curry apparently agrees). Basically this movie concerns a school for child witches, as they learn how to master the art of witchcraft.
Imagine a remake of Harry Potter And The Sorcerer’s Stone - directed by you, filmed in your house and your backyard, with a wardrobe culled from your closet. That’s about the production level of this one. The special effects would have been bad for a music video of that era, the songs are terrible, and even a singing Tim Curry fails to elicit anything other than unintentional guffaws. Feast your eyes on this musical number. Not only is it not Rocky Horror Picture Show, it’s not even Muppet Treasure Island:
Untraceable (2008) - I thought I would like this one because I like the director. Wow, was I mistaken. This may go down as the worst, most repulsive movie of 2008. It is incredibly ironic that while teen-skewing horror films like Saw and Hostel get decried as ‘torture porn’ and are blamed for the downfall of civilization, this adult-targeting ‘grown-up’ thriller is far more gruesome, far more perverse and, due to its blatant hypocrisy, ten-times more infuriating than any bad slasher film of late. Directed by the usually great Gregory Hoblit (Primal Fear, Frequency, Fallen), this sordid little number casts Diane Lane as an FBI agent who must track down a serial killer who is slowly torturing his victims to death on the internet. The gimmick is, the more people log on, the quicker the victim dies.
Of course, considering the sickeningly painful and drawn out scenarios set up, the mass log-ons may in fact qualify as mercy. People are cut to ribbons, then placed pinned to a chair so they can slowly bleed to death from their wounds. Victims are tied to a chair with giant heat lamps pointed at them so they can slowly burn to death. And then there’s the bit involving battery acid. The issue is not that these traps are ghoulish, but that they are drawn out and the viewer is forced to watch unbearable agony and suffering for minutes at a time, and then we are lectured about today’s voyeuristic society. This movie is the only one I have seen of late that truly qualifies as torture porn. Aside from the bland acting, cliched screenplay, and lack of an ending, this is the rare movie that I would classify as immoral, in that it revels in pain and then lectures us for not turning away.
To be fair, there are many cheesy horror films that were passable and even fun. The above Mega-Snake is one of the better direct-to-DVD horror films of late, in that you actually see the giant snake, frequently and in detail, as well as the carnage it inflicts. And although it was my choice, I heartily recommend the self-referential satire Murder Party. But I do not recommend any of the movies above. They are all so bad, they’re scary.
It’s a far more conventional trailer than the Tom Riddle-centric teaser from this summer. But it still looks incredibly polished and very impressive. Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince is one of the very best books, and this is shaping up to be one of the very best movies in the series. Enjoy.
Scott Mendelson is still hiding in shame and embarrassment. So today’s quick box office mea culpa will be written by a guest writer. Me, Allison Mendelson.
That’s right, Scott Mendelson is sending his fourteen-month old daughter to defend him. Loser, coward, infidel!
“And I have to ask, who was floating this stunning stupid notion yesterday that HSM3 was some sort of game-changing new-metric phenomenon of kids seeing the same movie multiple times in the opening weekend to a degree that was just off the charts?” — David Poland - Movie City News
Well, my father was kind of one of those idiots. We both agree that the idea of repeat viewings in a single weekend was a little dumb, but yes, dad thought it would be a monster weekend. No wonder it takes him five minutes to dress me. Looking at the Hannah Montana numbers, he stupidly thought that HSM3 would do half the per screen average, and end up with about $85 million. He was so sure that HSM3 would be a far more mainstream product than Hannah Montana and attract people who wouldn’t be caught dead at a G-rated 3D concert film.
Alas, he was wrong. Really wrong. He’s usually smarter than this, but wowsers, did he blow it this weekend. His prediction stunk worse than my last diaper. While his $82 million guess was obviously pie in the sky, I too am shocked that it didn’t even beat the October weekend record. We’re not saying the movie is a failure. God forbid that dad raise the sort of child who labels a movie as a disappointment because it didn’t live up to my inflated expectations. But it did literally 1/4 of the per screen average of Best Of Both Worlds. Considering you were serving the same audience and that (theoretically) High School Musical 3 could draw people that Best Of Both Worlds could not, we’re all a little stunned at the number.
By any normal rationale, $42 million for a movie that cost $15 million is a great number. I guess dad was just expecting something more epic (if he wants epic, wait till he sees how long I keep him up tonight). Of course, dad swears that it could theoretically pull a Phantom Menace and pull in another $35 million next weekend (I liked that movie just fine, but then I’m just a 14-month infant). But otherwise, especially if the Friday to Saturday drop suggest long term front loading, it may struggle to even hit $100 million. What was less likely? That it would earn $80 million on opening weekend or that it would fail to earn $100 million total?
But what do I know? I’m just a baby. Well, I knew that High School Musical 3 wasn’t going to do $85 million last weekend, that much I did know! Yeesh, and this is the guy who’s supposed to take care of me and install character? Between my dad who has lost his box office ‘mojo’ (no pun intended) and my mom who likes A View To A Kill, Grease 2, and Batman & Robin, maybe I should take over this column. I even have fill-in writers all lined up. And they didn’t think High School Musical 3 would do more than $50 million either!
Posted by Scott Mendelson in Writer's Corner at 12:19 PM
PDT
I didn’t get to see Mad Men till just before the first season came out on DVD/BluRay. Everything you’ve heard about the show is true. It really is that good.
And Jon Hamm is truly the real deal. The idea occurred to me when I first started watching, but since I had not seen him in anything else I was reserving judgment. Well, last night he did a smashing job hosting Saturday Night Live, anchoring what was easily the best all-around show of the season (go here for clips). So yes, without further hesitation, let us state the obvious - Jon Hamm would make an ideal Steve Rogers.
He obviously has the look. Tall, somewhat muscular, handsome, with a genuine masculinity that is nearly absent from the male stars of today. His deep, baritone voice only helps a visual that just screams 1950s superhero more so than anyone since Bruce Campell in the late 80s/early 90s (and, no offense, Hamm is a better actor). If they ever reboot Superman yet again, and if Warner has the decency to cast someone who is old enough to shave, the guy would make a perfect Clark Kent. But, being realistic, there is another vacancy in the super hero film world that he would be just as appropriate for. Most importantly, his commanding presence would make the Steve Rogers scenes just as compelling as the Captain America action scenes.
I’m not the only person to say this, and I may not even be the first to write about it. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t make an obscene amount of sense. He is a consummate actor, a genuine screen presence, he can do drama and comedy without breaking a sweat, and he’s unknown enough to not produce comparative snickers when he puts on the suit. And, perhaps most importantly to Marvel and co, he’s probably gonna come really cheap to boot. Why spend $20 million on Brad Pitt when you can have Jon Hamm for $1 million?
This is the climactic bit from the season 01 finale of Mad Men, but it’s not technically a spoiler.
To paraphrase The West Wing, Jon Hamm may not be their first choice… but he should be their last choice, because he’s the best choice.
Posted by Scott Mendelson in Writer's Corner at 11:42 AM
PDT
I wrote back in June that, although I didn’t care in the slightest for the Hulk 2.0 reboot, I was holding off complete judgment until I got a look at those fabled 45 minutes of deleted material. The infamous dramatic, character building moments that directer Louis Leterrier and star Edward Norton fought over with Marvel and lost, resulting an a nearly character-less and dumbed down smash fest.
Well, the DVD/BluRay hit the streets last Tuesday and I was able to view said scenes. I meant to discuss this sooner, but I was busy completely blowing box office predictions for this weekend. While my instincts about High School Musical 3 were only 50% correct, my instincts about said deleted scenes were 100%. Many of the issues that I had with the picture would have been lessened if not erased with the inclusion of this new material. Granted, few probably would’ve wanted to sit through a 170 minute Incredibly Hulk movie, but surely there could have been an extra 20 minutes or so to justify including some of the terrific stuff detailed below.
The bulk of the footage concerns three things, subplots that resulted in three complete characters being more or less excised from the film.
My favorite material involves the (professional) relationship between General Ross and Major Kathleen ‘Kat’ Sparr (Christina Cabot). Apparently this character is in the comics, and the presence of this intelligent, opinionated, and fleshed-out female character would have done much to lessen my annoyance at the paper thin character of Betty Ross. There is an obvious mutual respect, if not always trust, between General Ross and Major Sparr, and their scenes allow William Hurt to come off as far less cartoonish and more misguided. The best deleted scene in the set is a conversation between the two of them, where Hurt waxes poetically that Bruce Banner’s transformation is one of those rare moments where the universe releases a secret about itself (like the splitting of the atom). In every scene between the two of them, you have professional adults reacting like intelligent adults to a completely insane situation.
Far briefer, but still noteworthy, are the few scenes between General Ross and General Joe Greller (Peter Mensah). These mainly involve the aftermaths of the major action scenes, and it’s a fun look at the real world reactions (from the military standpoint) to these comic book plot developments. Again, both of these characters are intelligent and opinionated, and their confrontations brought a credibility to the story that was sorely lacking.
The biggest chunk of footage involves a much more fleshed out subplot involving Dr. Leonard Samson (Ty Burrell), Betty Ross’s current boyfriend. While Liv Tyler and Ed Norton still lack chemistry, the scenes involving Burrell are genuinely compelling. I stated back in June that my favorite scene in the film was the quick confrontation between General Ross and Samson, as its the only scene with the dramatic gravitas that much of the deleted footage contains. There is a wonderful moment when the three of them are eating dinner and Ed Norton breaks down in tears after laughing at a humorous anecdote (”It’s been awhile since I felt light about anything”). The reason this character and these scenes were cut is pretty obvious - he occasionally acts the pants off of his more famous costars and he is presented as such a sympathetic and morally upstanding person that you end up feeling sorry for him. The best scene is the one below:
Other footage is the fabled alternate opening with a glimpse of the frozen Captain America, as well as scenes that flesh out Major Emil Blonsky (Eric Roth) and make him a more complicated villain. Some of the extra footage in the first act didn’t need to be there (just more of Banner running around Brazil). A shocking scene after the bottle factory fight, which clearly displays three body bags, is marred by William Hurt’s overacting. And, as mentioned above, the scenes with Betty and Bruce aren’t any better than the ones in the final film, even if a few allow Betty to talk like a scientist. And, of course, that aforementioned opening scene is impossible, since it makes no sense until you understand that The Hulk won’t letter Banner kill himself (which is why he believes he will survive his climactic airplane drop). That was in the novelization, but I honestly can’t remember if that line was in the footage.
Alas, the stuff highlighted above would have made the film far more compelling and, yes, far more entertaining. Yes, the difference is almost as severe as the two cuts of Daredevil. I rented the BluRay purely for the purposes of viewing these scenes. If Universal ever puts out another version with the majority of this footage put back in, I’d buy it in a heartbeat.
Scott Mendelson
Coming next - Marvel has the opportunity to do something brilliant (not just sealing the deal with Kenneth Brannagh).
Posted by Scott Mendelson in Writer's Corner at 11:06 PM
PDT
It’s been awhile since I did the whole weekend box office thing, but now that the holiday season has started more or less, it’s time to return the world of meaningless predictions, boastful proclamations of accuracy, and mea culpas. Besides, history will likely be made this weekend, the question is just how much history.
High School Musical 3: Senior Year: $85 million. The general predictions are $40 million. I think they’re way off (and Box Office Prophets agrees with me). Make no mistake, the above is a cautious estimate based on the math. The first two movies have been rented or viewed on The Disney Channel by something around 50 million people since 2005. The second film scored a whopping 17.2 million viewers on its debut evening back in August, 2007, by far the biggest audience in basic cable history (at $7 a ticket, that would have equaled a $120 million). The franchise has sold hundreds of millions (billions?) of dollars worth of merchandise and tie-in product over the last few years. For better or worse, this is Grease of the present youth generation. If cult musicals like Mama Mia and Hairspray can do $30 million, then the sky is the limit for this one.
Hannah Montana: Best Of Both Worlds scored a $45,561 per screen average early this year on 683 screens. Let’s assume (and this is a safe assumption) that anyone that showed up for the concert film will likely show up for HSM3 (to say nothing of people like myself, who genuinely liked the first High School Musical and likes quality musicals in general). So, let’s have fun and do the math for this weekend’s 3623 screen release.
$45,561 per screen (obviously not going to happen, but for comparison): $165.1 million
$22,760 per screen (only 50%, below the top 25 all-time per screen averages): $82 million
$15,187 per screen (only 33%): $55 million
So basically, at worst it does $55 million and butchers the previous October opening weekend record (Scary Movie 3 - $48 million in 2003). But if it even approaches the per-screen average top-20, we could get something dangerously close to a $100 million weekend.
Additionally, this will be a battle between epic frontloading and the weekend matinee factor. As most people reading this site know, kids films often see a huge uptick (as much as 50% increase) on Saturday and Sunday as the matinee business surpasses the Friday evening numbers. On the other hand, this is the third film in a major franchise, so frontloading could reach Dark Knight/Sex & The City levels. Still, the former should cancel out the latter so we could see something approaching a 3x multiplier (god, I’ve missed this stuff).
Although this is the definition of a critic-proof hit, the few reviews that have trickled out have so far been positive, giving grownups the possible excuse needed to check it out without kids. A huge percentage of kids who saw the first two will be in the theaters this weekend. A decent amount of kids who have not seen the previous entries will be there, perhaps going with friends, or just wanting to see a (somewhat) big budget, super colorful musical. Older teens and adult women have read all about the teen stars, especially Efron and Tisdale, in their various gossip rags so awareness is covered there. And if you’re a parent who just wants to take the kid to the movies and Saw V is sold out, well, it’s gotta be better than Beverly Hills Chihuahua, right? Unless you’re a male teen without a girlfriend (see your movie choice below) or too old for G-rated confections, you’re pretty much a targeted quadrant this weekend.
So, with everything factored in, it’s just a matter of how big this will be. I’ve been wrong before (Shrek 2, Mars Attacks!), and I’ve been right when everyone else was wrong (The Mummy, Pearl Harbor). We’ll see which column this goes in on Saturday morning. Let’s call it at $85 million. I’d ‘bet on it’.
Saw V: $25 million. Why, oh WHY, was this not moved to Halloween night? Granted, we’re dealing with two big franchises with next to no overlap, but surely Lionsgate would have liked the bragging rights of a number 1 opening weekend? Every Saw film since the original has opened to number 01 (part one came in third place with $18 million, behind Ray and the second weekend of The Grudge).
Putting that aside, the series isn’t exactly basking in audience goodwill at the moment. The fourth film was pretty terrible, probably worse than the first film (I’m weird in that I prefer 2 and 3 to the original). The lead character is now definitively dead, so who knows how Tobin Bell is going to return this time? The poster boasts ‘you won’t believe how it ends’, but I’m not sure implausibility is something you want to be boasting about.
Still, this is a dependable franchise that has rooted itself in a deep, tangled story and somewhat complicated mythology. Unlike the many hard-R gore fests that followed in its wake, the Saw franchise has always boasted adult actors playing adult characters. While the acting quality may vary (Danny Glover has rarely been worse than he was in Saw, while Tobin Bell shines in Saw II), the fan interest comes from the layered (if implausible) plot mechanics. Enough fans will genuinely want to know what happens next, aside from the usual gore hounds who like the blood and guts. Even if the series will never again hit $30 million on opening weekend, the series is still cheap enough that it will be profitable for years to come.
Pride And Glory: $10 million. As saddened as I was at New Line Cinema’s death last winter, it’s good to know that Warner Bros. has treated most of New Line’s lineup with respect. Sex And The City and Journey To The Center Of The Earth 3D were solid smash hits, and Appaloosa is a slow, steady earner. Despite being in release limbo for awhile, this allegedly so-so cop drama is getting a 2585 screen release. It’s not gonna break the bank, but good for Warner for not gutting the New Line product that was already in place.
We’ll see if my pie in the sky HSM3 prediction pans out. For the record, if the HSM3 numbers are more earthbound, that doesn’t mean the film is a ‘disappointment’, only that I was off the mark. Updates on Saturday if there is anything out of the ordinary.
Will it measure up to… uh… the groundbreaking cinematic masterpiece? Frankly, I have no objection to a remake of Friday The 13th. We’re not talking about a classic like Halloween. This isn’t even A Nightmare On Elm Street, which needs to find someone to measure up to Robert England (aside from that, a remake would be fine, as the kids in the original are pretty bad actors). This is Friday The 13th folks. It was crap in 1980, and it’ll likely still be crap this coming February 13th. Now, if they touch the surprisingly self-referential and hilarious Friday The 13th Part VI: Jason Lives, then they’re asking for it! On the other hand, maybe they can remake Friday The 13th Part VIII, this time with enough money to allow Jason to, I dunno, actually ‘take Manhattan’?
Regardless, I know full-well that my wife is going to drag me to this, probably on opening night. So, I’ll put my best face forward, wear my shirt with the collar-up, buy some Skittles, and party like it’s 1988! I mean, it can’t be any worse than Freddy vs. Jason right?
But then, I’m the guy who thinks that Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning is the best, scariest, and most character-driven of the entire franchise.
Scott Mendelson
And no, I will not be adding Jason Vorhees to my MySpace friends list, thank you.
