LOCK UP THE PREGGOS

LOCK UP THE PREGGOS

I am officially starting a new charity. I’m going to begin collect money from people to build a legion of publicists to prevent us from having to look at pregnant celebrities.

I’m officially in the mindset that if a female celebrity is pregnant, that they should be kept from the public for a little while, not only because it’s kind of annoying, but it completely ruins the illusion. Misogynistic? Sexist? You decide. But hear me out here.

Certain celebrities are more like fantasies for young men of my age, and having to look at them with a big stomach, really ruins the fantasies, I have to say.

I am completely in love with Rachel Weisz, especially the Weisz in “The Shape of Things,” the cold calculating but utterly hot bitch who fucks over Paul Rudd. And three times I’ve had to be subjected to her pregnant self. Suffice it to say the sexual fantasy fades away.

The most egregious offense happened to be with Maggie Gyllenhaal. I won’t voice my sheer utter hatred at Peter Sarsgard for knocking my girl up, not here. I admire the man as an actor but if I ever saw him I’d have to slam a chair over his head.

Maggie Gyllenhaal is a sensuous and rather good looking woman, and she maintained that image for years with me. Whether as the flirtatious student in “Mona Lisa Smile,” the hot trailer trash blonde in “Sherrybaby,” the Goth babysitter in “Monster House,” and as the subservient secretary in “Secretary” being disciplined, she’s pretty much a staple of the whole sexual canon.

And I had to be subjected to her in “The Daily Show” boasting about her pregnancy. Granted, I’m happy she’s happy about having a baby, and congratulations, but it’s hard to look at her sexually when she’s talking about gaining weight and staggering onto the stage.

She’s no longer a sexual image, but a mother. That’s kind of gross.

I also had to watch Catherine Zeta Jones, Kate Hudson, and soon Bryce Dallas Howard wobble onto talk show seats to go on with boring banter about expecting, and child birth, and their love for kids, and then to watch the talk show host pretend to be excited for them? It’s fucking boring.

When a celebrity discovers they’re pregnant, their publicists should really keep them out of the public eye, or at best lock them up somewhere until the baby is born. I know publicists influence pregnant actresses to go out on talk shows because it shows the public how human they are, yadda yadda, but what about the fans who view them as pipe dreams?

I want to continue lusting for Maggie Gyllenhaal, don’t subject us to her as a preggo. It’s not fair to us. Won’t someone think about us for once?! How can I be expected to rub one out when preggo Maggie won’t leave my mind?! It’s cruel, man!

So, either they’re going to have to do something about the preggos, or I’m going to have to stop watching “”Conan” and “”The Daily Show.” I think you know who will have to buckle under the pressure, Hollywood.

And Peter Sarsgard, I’m going to get you, you motherfucker. I don’t know when, I don’t know how, and I don’t know of what capacity, but I’ll get you. How dare you knock up my honey. Being married to her is no excuse.

Disclaimer: The views expressed here are not those of Film Threat, or any of its male writers, however, if you ask them, I’m sure they can shed some thoughts and tell you some neato stories, so please, no flames from the women folk.




Posted on September 14, 2006 in Blogs by
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17 Comments on "LOCK UP THE PREGGOS"

  1. Mark Bell on Thu, 14th Sep 2006 2:54 am 

    And all the pirates cheer!

    SAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSS-GGGGGAAAAAAAARRRRRRD!


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  2. HeroStew.com on Thu, 14th Sep 2006 6:55 am 

    Preggo Chicks are HOT!


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  3. Felix Vasquez Jr. on Thu, 14th Sep 2006 6:57 am 

    EEewwww! Eww! Eww! Eww!

    Cooties! Herostew has cooties!


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  4. HeroStew.com on Thu, 14th Sep 2006 7:06 am 

    BWAHAHAHAHA!


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  5. Jeremy Knox on Thu, 14th Sep 2006 12:31 pm 

    Finally! Someone had the balls to say it. Felix may have said it, but the rest of us guys all think it. If we say otherwise it’s because we’re sitting next to our wife or because we’re delusional.

    Fact: Pregnant women remind us of our mothers. No one wants their sex fantasy to remind them of their mother. It’s just wrong and makes you feel all icky inside.

    Fact: Pregnant women are only hot when dressed in leather or covered in massage oil. Unless celebrities take photo ops in either of those situations and costumes, it’s ruining the fantasy.

    Fact: Men aren’t all that interested in the specifics of child rearing. Women tend to treat their newborn child like a little doll so it’s exciting for them, but men treat their kids like a little brother or sister so their son/daughter needs to grow up a bit before they can take much enjoyment out of fatherhood.

    Fact: Men see pregnant women in the same light that a prisoner condemned for life sees the prison door closing behind him. It’s very upsetting to us and makes the fight or flight instinct kick up.

    Thank you Felix. Thank you for telling the truth!


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  6. Felix Vasquez Jr. on Fri, 15th Sep 2006 4:24 am 

    Thank you Felix. Thank you for telling the truth!

    The TRUTH will set you free! Let my people go! I am not a crook! Ich Bin Ein Swedener! One Word: Plastics!


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  7. gigi on Sat, 16th Sep 2006 12:22 am 

    A Preggo made it possible for you all to be here. Dont ya think it’s kind of selfish to want to deny the experience of motherhood to preserve some sexual fantasy?


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  8. Felix Vasquez Jr. on Sat, 16th Sep 2006 12:37 am 

    Yes, I’m perfectly aware a preggo is the reason why I’m here, and child birth is a miracle, and men will never know the suffering it takes… zzzzzzzz. But seriously, you miss the point of the entry.

    I’m not saying keep them from having babies.

    Just don’t force us to look at them, like it’s sexy. Seeing the once hot Demi Moore naked with a human gestating in her bulging stomach doesnt exactly make me drool.
    And what’s wrong with people adhering to my selfish demands? That’s perfectly logical. No? I think this world would be better if people adhered to my selfish demands. Teehee.


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  9. Michael Ferraro on Sat, 16th Sep 2006 12:07 pm 

    I didn’t come out of anyone’s cunt. I was just “put” here to keep you guys smiling.

    And to rob Gigi’s house occasionally but that’s just for fun. Something I like to do. ;)


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  10. Gigi on Sat, 16th Sep 2006 4:26 pm 

    Yeah, Bronson was found in the cabbage patch and Angels brought me down from heaven. ;D

    I get ya Terminal, and you know I love ya….but….PIG! :D


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  11. Felix Vasquez Jr. on Sat, 16th Sep 2006 6:32 pm 

    I get ya Terminal, and you know I love ya….but….PIG!

    You don’t love me, you just love my piggy style.


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  12. Gigi on Sat, 16th Sep 2006 9:49 pm 

    Piggy back! You know it’s killing me not to flame. KILLING ME! I do see your point on the other side…pregnancy (I have heard) is not about sex nor glamour. It’s about mood swings, cravings, stretchmarks, water retention, hemmoroids, all that. That’s why I have cats, thank you very, very much. :D


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  13. Felix Vasquez Jr. on Sat, 16th Sep 2006 10:08 pm 

    It’s about mood swings, cravings, stretchmarks, water retention, hemmoroids, all that.

    Not to mention having an eleven pound human fight its way out of your vagina in a bloody scene worthy of Deodato.

    That’s why I have cats, thank you very, very much.

    I’m a dog person myself. Cat’s can steal your soul.


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  14. probitionate on Tue, 19th Sep 2006 6:24 am 

    Ugh.

    Talk about being repulsed/embarrassed/ashamed of your own gender. I kept waiting for the cringe-reducing punchline, but since it never showed…

    Sweet Baby Jaysus; how old are you, anyway?!? If you’re out of your teens, then I surely feel sad for any woman who signs on the line which is dotted, becomes your partner…or even worse, the mother of your children.

    Oh, well; at least you keep the stereotype of the doofus, the boorish male alive for sitcoms. And surely allows the rest of us more than our share of treasures…


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  15. Felix Vasquez Jr. on Tue, 19th Sep 2006 1:19 pm 

    Talk about being repulsed/embarrassed/ashamed of your own gender.

    Don’t be, I have a great respect for women, and you should too. THey shouldn’t be allowed to vote though. Damn Dames and their hosieries!

    I kept waiting for the cringe-reducing punchline, but since it never showed…

    With the right motivation, I could be inclined to provide one…

    Because he didn’t want to drive!

    *rimshot*

    Sweet Baby Jaysus; how old are you, anyway?!?

    I’m only twee and a half years old.

    Is Jaysus Jesus Christ’s neighbor?

    If you’re out of your teens, then I surely feel sad for any woman who signs on the line which is dotted,

    Why dotted? Why not dashed, or scribbled? Racialist.

    And don’t feel bad, I treats my women right. I pat their butts and honk their headlights just to let them know big daddy F love ‘em.

    becomes your partner…or even worse, the mother of your children.

    I’m sure she’ll be a good mother. Don’t bash the girl I havent married. It’s not fair to her.

    Oh, well; at least you keep the stereotype of the doofus, the boorish male alive for sitcoms.

    Hey, I’m not boorish!

    And don’t pretend those images about males in sitcoms are so true to life. If you think they are, then man, you’re worse than I am.

    You’re inflicted with this image that all men are like that thus, you’ll seek out someone like that, and when you’re confronted with a real man, you’ll ruin the relationship.

    God, I love Dr. Phil, he gives me the best comebacks.

    And surely allows the rest of us more than our share of treasures…

    Who is this “rest,” and what are these “treasures” you speak of? Read the disclaimer Feminazi! Feminazi!


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  16. gigi on Tue, 19th Sep 2006 11:38 pm 

    I tried to tell ya, Felix. :D

    Hoo ha ha ha of the day:
    “I’m sure she’ll be a good mother. Don’t bash the girl I havent married. It’s not fair to her”.

    Good one.


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  17. Felix Vasquez Jr. on Wed, 20th Sep 2006 4:05 am 

    I tried to tell ya, Felix. :D

    Bah! Let all the women come! I hope they tie me up and inflict all sorts of pain on me involving whips, and leather, and assorted oral play! Let them come!

    Hoo ha ha ha of the day:
    “I’m sure she’ll be a good mother. Don’t bash the girl I havent married. It’s not fair to her”.

    Good one.

    Gigi be my homey.


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