MOVIES ON THE BRAIN: “MONA LISA SMILE”

There’s no way I wanted to see this. My wife said it was really good, and it does have Kirsten Dunst and Julia Stiles going for it, but all in all I was just not looking forward to it.

00:01 – It doesn’t really matter which foot this movie gets off on, it’s going to be the wrong one. For instance, right now Julia Roberts is getting off a train and I’m just waiting for Bing Crosby, Danny Kaye and Rosemary Clooney to walk up behind her.

00:03 – Big shot here of all the girls meeting in the chapel for the first time in the school year. I would have given the screenwriter ten bucks to have one of the girls stand up after answering a phone and say, “It’s God. He wants boys at Wellesly.”

00:05 – It’s vaguely disconcerting to see Julie Roberts wearing a skirt. In so many of her movies she wears pants. May take some getting use to. Oh, wait, that’s right. – I don’t care.

00:09 – A girl in the class keeps turning on and off the lights before Julia R. asks her to. Throw a knit stocking cap and a pair of glasses on her and she’s Radar O’Reilly from “M.A.S.H.”

00:10 – Looks like Marcus Brody is waiting in the back of the classroom for Julia Roberts to be done. Hope she can tell the Army Intelligence guys where Abner Ravenwood is.

00:13 – Lucille Ball was just called a Communist. Was this necessary? I mean afterall, Ricky was the one from Cuba.

00:18 – I am so completely looking forward to any and all upcoming pajama fights. In fact, it doesn’t even need to actually happen. My mental image is already clear on what it would look like. If I don’t come back, continuing this thought may be the cause.

00:20 – Of any of the “That 70’s Show” cast members, thank goodness it’s Topher Grace in this movie and not Ashton Kutcher. May have had to kill myself right here and now. Seriously.

00:23 – Every scene of Kirsten Dunst should have her in tight T-shirt while standing in the rain. Really should be a law to enforce this kind of thing. I don’t ask for much.

00:27 – Nice bar. Lots of alcohol. Reminds me of something. Oh yeah, the need to drink heavily.

00:29 – And now a class on how to be married. The men’s version of this would probably include subjects like; “How to Get Comfortable Sleeping on the Couch”, “Flowers: A Bouquet of Forgiveness” and “The Correct Reaction to News of Your Wife’s Pregnancy”.

00:32 – Why didn’t MTV’s “Celebrity Deathmatch” ever do an episode pitting the casts of “Dead Poet’s Society” against the cast of “School Ties”? Could have even done this one as a pay-per-view event.

00:34 – Panty raid!!!!! Wait, that may have been my imagination.

00:36 – Kirsten Dunst is getting married. I just hope Rowan Atkinson is the priest. That alone would increase my enjoyment of this movie tenfold. “Father, Son and the Holy Spigot.”

00:37 – A friend of my wife’s got married at Disney World a few years ago. Had to be the most God-awful thing I’ve ever experienced. Imagine all the sappiness and emotional manipulation Disney has perfected. Now imagine someone paying to have all this on what is supposed to be the most special day of your life. Now imagine the self-control it took for me not to shout obscenities from the back of the “chapel”. I was almost sweating from the exhaustion.

00:39 – Sorry, you can’t sing the song “Mona Lisa” without my thinking of “The Freshman” with Matthew Broderick and Marlon Brando. Great movie.

00:41 – How come there hasn’t been a sitcom called “The Drunk Divorcee”? “This week, The Drunk Divorcee makes awkward and uncomfortable moves on someone half her age.” Ratings for this would be huge.

00:43 – Maggie G. really belongs with James Spader.

00:44 – I think the bartender at this wedding reception is John from “CHiPs”.

00:45 – Anyone else think Jackson Pollack started out as just another messy eater with an indulgent parent?

00:46 – I’ve got this scene from “L.A. Story” running through my mind right now: “I like the relationships. I mean, each character has his own story. The puppy is a bit too much, but you have to over look things like that in these kinds of paintings. The way he’s *holding* her… it’s almost… filthy. I mean, he’s about to kiss her and she’s pulling away. The way the leg’s sort of smashed up against her… Phew… Look how he’s painted the blouse sort of translucent. You can just make out her breasts underneath and it’s sort of touching him about here. It’s really… pretty torrid, don’t you think? Then of course you have the onlookers peeking at them from behind the doorway like they’re all shocked. They wish. Yeah, I must admit, when I see a painting like this, I get emotionally… erect.”

00:48 – “It can truly be said I have a bat in my belfry.”

00:51 – Julia Stiles’ deep voice is reminding me of Daphne Zuniga singing “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot” in “Spaceballs”. “Well what do you know; she’s a bass!”

00:54 – I think Shirley MacLaine and Fred MacMurry just walked into this bar to have a drink.

00:56 – I’ve been thinking on and off about the Cinematic Crimes of Julia Roberts. Shouldn’t there be prison sentence involved for the combination of “Dying Young,” “Pretty Woman” and “Mystic Pizza”? Probation should be revoked on the basis of “Runaway Bride” alone.

00:57 – Yikes! Julia Roberts has got a vein on her face that would give the shocks on a Humvee a workout.

Time for an intermission. See ya in part two of MOVIES ON THE BRAIN: “MONA LISA SMILE”>>>




Posted on March 24, 2004 in Features by

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