HELLO BASTARDS! HERE’S A LITTLE MOVIE FOR YA!

…the sudden arrival of Hal and his karate school buddies. How he knew where to find a bunch of half-assed bikers doing a homemade cremation is anybody’s guess. Rommel declares that they are going to “teach these skunks a good lesson”…which seems to be a lesson in how not to fight back as he merely stands with a knife and lets a couple of karate dudes grab him whilst the rest of them get stuck into his fellow gang members.
This (ob)scene showcases some of the absolute worst editing and ‘karate’ ever seen on the screen, and none of the supposed martial artists look as if they can actually do anything more than feebly kick out. But they still manage to kick the Foxes’ asses anyway. A few of them jump up to where the leader is lying (actually footage of them jumping down backwards from a stone ledge merely run in reverse) and one of them grabs the scumbag rapist’s cock.
“Hal?”
“Kastraten ze schwein.”
Okay, I admit, I rendered the last sentence phonetically, somehow remembering it from the uncut German version I saw many years ago, but you get the general idea. One of the karate krew cuts the leader’s dick off…and force-feeds him it! Which, if you ask me, is a fairly appropriate method of dealing with rapists – I’m a liberal on the subject. A devastated Hal wanders home…to find some other naked woman lying in his bed. Babsy, the catalyst for all this horror, is never mentioned again! In-fucking-credible! But all part of this film’s unique non-sequitur-and-illogic-riddled charm. Hal gets stuck in about this new woman, whom we find out nothing about (or even see again – she’s just there to provide some cheap T&A) to a terrible, sleazy soundtrack and more weird kissing grunts. Hal’s clothes disappear halfway through in a ridiculously amateurish jump cut. Why waste time when you can get straight to the meat of the matter, eh?
You know, I hafta say, when sitting here writing this out…it maybe doesn’t come across as being all that funny. It actually is, I can assure you of that. Take my word for it. One thing’s for sure: if you ever see this film you will never, ever forget it. Whether you regard this as a good or bad thing is entirely up to you. The DVD is uncut, in case you are thinking it. So tread carefully, especially if you find the subject of rape is one you are sensitive about.
But back to the no-go dojo. The could-be-Mad Foxes show up the next day (to the world-famous Mad Foxes Funky Fucking Theme) at the karate school with murder in mind. The film has gone from being a rape-revenge flick to being a rape-revenge-revenge flick. Stiletto, ably essayed by some crap soldier-regalia-wearing muppet called Erik Falk, tosses a hand grenade into the karate school (it seems to be plastic and bounces off the camera before ‘exploding’) shouting one of the best lines in all film history, one which I quoted earlier:
“Hello bastards! Here’s a little present for ya!”
I just love that line so much. When I switch on my mobile phone, it still greets me with the words ‘Hello Bastard’. Yeah, it’s deeply sad, I know. The ironically funny thing is, in the German version, ole Stiletto doesn’t even actually shout anything when he lobs the grenade in, so it seems like the amateur dubbers just stuck that one in for a laugh when dubbing it into English. So to those anonymous wretches, no doubt long since descended into drug addiction or horse molesting or white slavery I just say, from the bottom of my heart…thank you. Your professional ineptitude has made my life a better place to be bullshit quote-wise for many, many years.
Junk (so called because he works in a junkyard – the depth of characterization on display is simply stunning), another gay-looking biker who wears a pilot’s helmet, tells the dying leader of the karate school that he’ll “cut your neck off you dirty bastard” (that would be a neat trick) if he didn’t inform them where to find Hal. The karate guy does so and Junk stabs him through the heart, because “Squealers make me sick, you know? You give me the jitters.” Too damn right, Junk. Nobody likes a grass, and stabbing them to death whilst jamming a cigar in their mouth “as an award” is the only way to treat these treasonous treacherous backstabbing bastards.
The ‘bikers’ zip on round to Hal’s address to the Mad Foxes Funky Fucking Theme on their worthless bikes. They find the place and dismount, making their way into the apartment building’s underground car park. One of them is wearing a helmet which disappears from one shot to the next. The guy in question looks exactly like Little Enis from the “Smokey And The Bandit” films. Remember him, with his big brother Big Enis (yeah, subtle character names), the two oil barons? I like to think that, after the films with Burt Reynolds, Little Enis could only get work in this crap, and to this day when I watch this film seeing the look-alike (who wears a Little Enis-like hat at some points) makes me laugh.
The custodian of the car park (sitting at a desk amidst all the parked cars for some reason) is understandably less-than-happy to see a motley crew of crap bikers waltzing into his building and tells them to leave. Stiletto puts him in his place by telling him “Shut up you city skunk or I’ll tear your tong out,” (yeah, not ‘tongue’) before Little Enis shoots him to death. Stiletto’s reaction to the custodian’s demise, grabbing his gut and rocking up and down like a crazed gibbon as he laughs maniacally, is without a doubt the finest piece of intolerably bad overacting in the magical history of cinema. Sooperb.
The bikers find Hal’s car but don’t trash it for some reason, leaving him (wearing a sweater with a matching design to the one on his car!) free to escape as a kid from the building heard the bikers asking for Hal and ran upstairs to warn him. A not-particularly-thrilling low-speed car chase follows. There is absolutely no chance whatsoever in real life that the bikers, on their crap put-put-put mopeds, could ever have caught the Stingray. But they gamely try anyway. Stiletto and another biker who looks disturbingly like Rick Baker (or Rob Bottin, I dunno, one of those top FX guys whose initials are ‘RB’) jump onto their dirt bike-with-a-sidecar and ‘zoom’ off. The bike crashes and they hotwire a taxi to continue the chase. Thing is, they merely break a window in the taxi and hop in, immediately starting the taxi and driving off. The owner would have had to leave the keys in the ignition for them to be able to do it at the speed they do.
But it’s all in vain anyway. Driving along with their lights on during the day (for some reason) all of the bikers crash (for no clear reason) (well okay, it’s to allow Hal to escape and the reason is clear enough, ie crap deus-ex-machina-using scriptwriting) and the taxi hits a sandbank and overturns. Good thing all the side windows have quite clearly been removed before the crash so that they didn’t break and hurt the stuntmen inside, eh? Man, were these ‘filmmakers’ ever untalented amateurs…it’s absolutely unbelievable.
Thankfully.
The filth continues in part five of HELLO BASTARDS! HERE’S A LITTLE MOVIE FOR YA!>>>




Posted on March 26, 2004 in Features by
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