HELLO BASTARDS! HERE’S A LITTLE MOVIE FOR YA!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch…

We nip across to the Official Mad Foxes Hideout to the sweet sounds of the Mad Foxes Funky Fucking Theme. The bikers have been indulging in a night of drink-and-drug-fueled revelry, and are ready to cause some more chaos on the Spanish streets. A stark naked Stiletto comes out of their clubhouse clutching a bottle of wine. There is no reason whatsoever for this scene to be played in the nude except for, well, it’s The Foxes. After a brief bit of nude high-kicking kung-fu, the bikers roar off onto the road to exact their revenge on the hated Hal. They go to pull out of the road next to their hideout…but Stiletto sagely informs them to “Watch it – there’s a bus coming!” and they pause to allow it to go by. Good to know that, despite being homicidal Nazi bikers, they still take an interest in road safety, eh?
Whilst Hal and Lily are out riding to some terrible bugle-farting music of the kind that the filmmakers musta decided was appropriate for a horseriding scene, the Foxes turn up at Hal’s parents’ humble abode, muttering something about “Thanks to the guy at the gas station” to explain how they knew just where the fuck they were going. They dismount and once again blow a chance to trash his car before the gardener shows up. He tells them to leave and, annoyed at his lack of respect for uniforms, Stiletto drags him across a hedge and rams a pair of shears(!) through his skull. I wouldn’t have thought this was physically possible, but hey – it’s there on the screen so it must be true.
Stiletto and the boyz rampage into the mansion, intent on taking no prisoners. Crap-accent-virgin-maid sees them, waves her arms in the air in horror, screams and runs to hide in the kitchen. She grabs a wooden spoon for defense, ready to take on all comers, when Rob Bottin Lookalike Cunt leaps through the serving hatch in the door and machineguns her to death. Any primary school kid (grade school to you Yanks) coulda told you that a wooden spoon wouldn’t be much defense against bullets, but I guess hope springs eternal in the stupid breast. It’s a hard lesson in science to learn, but one she’ll never forget.
Stiletto gets tough on Hal’s mother, grabbing her face and demanding that this “filthy bitch” tell them where Hal is. She whimpers and whines and Hal’s dad walks in, telling them that he doesn’t know where Hal is and “Please go and don’t continue bothering us.” Hardly the unexcited way I woulda though you’d talk to a group of crazed Nazi bikers in your home, but hey – if he raised Hal he’s gotta be a man of some rare integrity and style and sang-froid, eh?
“How dare you talk to me like that little dummy! Put your hands up before I cut off your head,” an enraged Stiletto snarls at Hal’s dad, grabbing him and sitting him on top of a sideboard. “We’re gonna leave a surprise for your son, a nice souvenir! Hey Softy, give it to her!” laughs Stiletto. Softy shoots Hal’s mother in the head, sending her wheelchair wheelying backwards in a hilarious scene, before they machinegun Hal’s dad and Junk eviscerates another attractive maid. “Well they wanted peace, they have it now,” laughs Stiletto, in a sentiment you can’t argue with, “An unforgettable party!” And yeah, I know I quoted way too much of the dialogue there, but it’s just so damned excellently bad I can’t help myself. Sorry.
Needless to say, Hal is not best pleased when he comes back from his day of riding Lily (sorry, riding with Lily, my error). Shocked, he cradles his dead mother in his arms, lower lip trembling and, in a fine piece of overacting, promises to kill all the bikers. Which makes this a rape-revenge-revenge-revenge film. Any pathos that might have been generated by this pathetic scene, however, is diluted by the fact that there are shots of a caged bird squawking in the room intercut with Hal’s pain-and-vengeance-soaked speech. I don’t know why. Why not? Shit, that seems to have been the motto for the whole damned film anyway, why start looking for meaning or sanity at this late point?
Hal is out for blood, and nobody and nothing is going to stop him. He stops at (what I would assume is) the same gas station where they informed The Foxes how to find him (and if you think about it, how the hell would the bikers know in which direction even to head after they lost Hal after they crashed? And also, how…ah…fahgeddaboutit) and asks how he might find these scumbags. “Yeah, everybody knows their hideout,” says the gas station attendant, in a classic line, and points Hal in their direction. Things are starting to get deep and tense now, fer shoor.
Sarcasm, doncha just love it?
Hal pulls up at a bar he’s been sent to and listens to a one-legged man(!) give a speech about how he used to be a prime stud when he had both his legs; you notice he’s not handing out any tips on how to be a success in an ass-kicking contest. There is no reason given for this speech. We just accept anything now. Hal grabs the barmaid and asks where he can find the “gang of hoodlums.” She says she doesn’t know them and Hal clears out, but she’s lying. Stiletto is in the back of the bar and, for no clear reason, Hal sneaks back into the place and puts a gun to the barmaid’s head (he can’t actually get the pistol he has out from under his jacket, and it’s funny to see him try to wangle it out from underneath it) and sends her on her way whilst he deals with this vicious vacuous Nazi nude kung-fu cretin.
Stiletto is taking a dump (genitals in plain view – if you’re female and wanna see casual male nudity from ugly men, this is the film for you) and Hal barges in on the shit-scared biker and shoots him in the hand. “Don’t squeal like an old bitch.” He fishes in the biker’s pants pocket and fetches a shiny metal prize from it. “Well what is this? A hand grenade. This can be very dangerous when you’re angry. And I’m very angry, ya know!?” He asks where the rest of the bikers can be found and, to display his gratitude in being told what he wants to know, he blows Stiletto up on the toilet with the grenade. Hahahahaha…sorry, the absolute absurdity of what I am writing here hits me now and again. Not as absurd as the film, mind you. We get a shot of what’s left of Stiletto (nothing much; they obviously couldn’t afford special effects for body parts) through the shattered bathroom window.
The filth continues in part seven of HELLO BASTARDS! HERE’S A LITTLE MOVIE FOR YA!>>>

Posted on March 26, 2004 in Features by Graham Rae

	Share
Buffer	Tweet	Follow @FilmThreat

If you liked this post than you may also like the following articles:

• HELLO BASTARDS! HERE’S A LITTLE MOVIE FOR YA!
• HELLO BASTARDS! HERE’S A LITTLE MOVIE FOR YA!
• HELLO BASTARDS! HERE’S A LITTLE MOVIE FOR YA!
• HELLO BASTARDS! HERE’S A LITTLE MOVIE FOR YA!
• HELLO BASTARDS! HERE’S A LITTLE MOVIE FOR YA!