HELLO BASTARDS! HERE’S A LITTLE MOVIE FOR YA!

Hal has been directed to a “movie studio” and “a junkyard.” He is not given an address for either of these places, but soon is still turning up at Junk’s place of work somehow, wielding a double-barrel shotgun. Screaming “Fucking asshole!” in a great bit of bad dubbing, he fires at Junk and the biker immediately turns round and fires a pistol at him, no doubt having been working on a car using it. There follows a brief chase through the junkyard before Hal jumps from the top of a pile of cars and kills the biker with a single blow to the head (bearing in mind the biker is wearing a pilot’s helmet) with a metal pole. Another one bites the dust, dispatched to ‘never to appear in another film’ limbo.
As Hal wanders back to his car another one of the bikers turns up and, seeing the vengeful sleazy bastard, zooms off. Hal takes off in hot pursuit and we get ‘treated’ to another weird wee scene. The biker nearly hits a car and causes a crash between two cars. As Hal drives on by the owners of the two cars get out and confront each other. The owner of the car least to blame for the crash grabs his detached side door(!) and goes to smash up the other car. The owner of the other car is accidentally hit by the door as the enraged driver wields it. Or should I say he pretends to be, because the camera angle is all wrong and we can clearly see the piece of metal missing him by a mile. Why this scene is in the film, distracting from and diluting the chase scene, is, well….uh…it’s The Foxes, alright? You should know that by now, damn, don’t ask stupid questions..
The biker motorvates like a motherfucker but still can’t shake his Stingray-driving pursuer. Hal points a shotgun (a single barrel Winchester now, for some reason, as compared to the double barrel shotgun it was at the junkyard) out the car window and shoots the biker’s gas tank, blowing him up in a cheap, crap explosion and killing him. The adrenaline level generated by this scene is, well, pretty much non-existent. But it brings the end of the film that wee bit closer, so it at least serves some vague purpose.
On to the movie studio, which probably belongs to the filmmakers and saved them having to rent a location or build a set. I mean, what are Nazi bikers gonna be doing in a movie studio anyway? Plotting some kinda Leni Riefenstahl revival or something? Hal turns up there with another model of shotgun, clearly deciding that he’s gonna showcase the amount of different guns he owns for the ballistics fetishists in the audience. Gets the Guns & Ammo crowd into the theatre, ya see. He makes his way into the foreboding building, not noticing he is being followed by another one of the bikers, the soundtrack (not particularly) urgently propelling him along to a tune that sounds exactly like the one from “The Pink Panther.”
The revenge-fueled-playboy-bereaved-orphan-son-ofagun-ofabitch-sleazehound-killer-drunk-driver-porn-star-sports-car-driver is jumped by one of the remaining two bikers and easily dispatches him by slashing his throat and stabbing him in the guts. It’s clear that Hal is getting as bored as we are of this shite, though, cos he lets out a huge sigh and wanders upstairs to finish off the job. Rob Bottin and some dominatrix-kinda bitch are indulging in some Nazi bondage sex to the Mad Foxes Funky Fucking Theme and Hal bursts in on them, shooting the woman after she throws a bowling ball at him (which disappears in midair) and blowing the last remaining biker’s brains out with his shotgun which, miraculously, looks to have remained the same model for more than a few seconds.
Catharsis. End of pain and fear and violence and horror. Hal drives home to another gentle, soothing, bullshit Krokus tune, ready to put all this nonsense behind him. But life (and the ‘scriptwriter’) still has another surprise in store for him. As he opens up his apartment door, Lily falls terrified into his arms, babbling of death and destruction and dementia.
“Help! There’s a man in there and he says he’s gonna kill all of us! He’s got a bomb and he’s gonna blow up the whole building!”
“But what are you saying?”
Exchanges like that just make life worth living.
Yes, that’s right, in case you hadn’t guessed it…Eunuch Disco Rommel is back! He’s got a remote control for a bomb in his hand and he ain’t fucking around! Hal may have forgotten all about him during the previous proceedings, but he certainly hasn’t forgotten about Hal, no sir! “You’ve killed all my partners, one by one, but don’t think you’ve finished with all of us cos you haven’t, no! When I press this little button, we’re all going to go to hell together!” screams Rommel craply.
“No!”
“Yes!”
KABOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!
A rubbish ‘explosion’ merely scratched onto the film ends the whole sick sorry sordid stupid stinking mess.
And not a moment too soon.

So there you have it. The story of an idiotic cinematic stray I took into my heart and home and head a long time ago and which never quite left, much as I may have wanted – and indeed want – it to. The kind of film you can’t believe adults spent precious time making – or indeed writing about, cos you could probably watch the entire film in the time it’ll take you to read this overlong piece.
Parting shot. When I was around the age when I first saw the film, I was briefly in a funk-punk-blues-drunk band called Puppet Porn (named after “Meet The Feebles”). We never played a gig, or indeed did anything of any worth, but it was still a laugh. I wrote the lyrics for the band, and sang (extremely badly). I’m gonna include here, for the first time a lyrical snippet I can somehow remember (got a good memory for worthless crap, but when it comes to useful stuff – forget it) from a song I wrote about “Mad Foxes”. It’s to the tune of “Beverly Hillbillies” and it goes a little something like this:

“So now it’s time to say goodbye to Hal and all his kin ^
And they would like to thank you folks for kindly droppin’ in ^ You’re all invited back again to this locality ^ To have a heapin’ helpin’ of badly dubbed stupidity!”

And on that tuneless note…hope you enjoyed it…adios amigos…happy trails…

Posted on March 26, 2004 in Features by Graham Rae

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