EXCESS HOLLYWOOD: JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME IS DEAD

When “Vegas,” that insipid NBC show, ran promos that played up an appearance by Jean-Claude Van Damme, I was hooked and knew I would have to watch. It wasn’t because I like him or the show. It was because he played himself and would die.

Hell, I’d pay to see that.

I know a lot of you are thinking that he is too easy a target for me to pick on. It’s like throwing baseballs at a paralyzed blind man. I disagree. Why? Because there are about five people out there who still like the guy and his work. They are the same five people who enjoyed “Speed 2: Cruise Control.” I know they won’t admit that, but it’s true.

I don’t like the idiot from Brussels for about fifty thousand different reasons, but his lack of acting ability and career stagnation are two of the biggest blows he has against him. Creepy facial features is another. He’s also a less funny Seagal. A more mediocre Diesel. A less talented Stallone.

And I so wish that “Vegas” was a reality television show.

If you watched that episode, you know that Van Damme died when a stunt went awry. People then mourned for one of Hollywood’s “biggest” actors and set up a less-than-stunning memorial to the man. (When was that episode filmed anyway? During a one-week period in August of 1991?) Fans placed flowers around the memorial and openly wept while people like myself laughed and cracked open that special bottle of wine.

With Van Damme dead on the show, I tried to imagine life without him in the real world. Would flowers seem more colorful? Would the songs of birds be a little clearer? Would the air be cleaner? Would gas prices drop?

Yes to all of the above.

I realized that a world without Van Damme would be much like a world without Hitler, Dahmer and Cheney. It was then that Van Damme died for real in my world. He really did perish when he plunged off the roof of a casino on a motorcycle (instead of being stabbed to death by a transsexual hooker, as I had once placed a bet on). And his movies are now painful reminders of what used to be. I will chalk up any future films he may happen to be in to be mere CGI effects used by the director in an attempt to resurrect a “star” who never really deserved to be on film in the first place.

Van Damme is dead. He died in Vegas when a stunt went wrong (or right, depending on your view). Because of this, the world is a much better place. Now I just have to convince ABC to book Keanu Reeves for a special guest appearance on “According to Jim” where he chokes to death on a pretzel. Oh, that would be sweet.

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Posted on July 28, 2004 in Features by
Buffer


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21 Comments on "EXCESS HOLLYWOOD: JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME IS DEAD"

  1. carlee on Mon, 12th Mar 2012 8:07 pm 

    You are not worth it. You are shameful.


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  2. carlee on Mon, 12th Mar 2012 8:09 pm 

    You are moderating what I say??? Where’s your moderator???


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  3. Nikki on Sun, 6th May 2012 5:03 pm 

    The difference between Van Damme and you?
    He has TALENT.


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  4. Victor Inalegwu Dominic on Mon, 28th May 2012 9:30 am 

    I don’t think u have any thing serious agains mr.Jean Claud Van damme…let the talented dude be.He is more than you.


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  5. Ur daddy on Wed, 13th Jun 2012 1:59 pm 

    Urra nasty shitebox who is just trying to get attention … Sick cocck..!


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  6. Marie on Sat, 7th Jul 2012 6:13 am 

    Bullshit talk! Please let Van Damme be! He is a lovely dude with great great talent.


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  7. me on Tue, 14th Aug 2012 8:08 am 

    Such hatred,why?


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  8. Narayan Loke on Sat, 18th Aug 2012 4:49 am 

    Did he fuck your mom like a dog ?


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  9. Adeniyi Oluwashina on Wed, 3rd Oct 2012 12:20 pm 

    I can believe he is dead and I won’t believe it until I see a proper evidence


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  10. Adegbulugbe olakunle on Thu, 13th Dec 2012 3:58 pm 

    I dnt believe he’s dead until i see a reasonable evidence


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  11. Charles John Bassey on Sun, 23rd Dec 2012 2:20 pm 

    If u killed him ursef i’ll believe u. Kindly grow up & stop this nonsense


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  12. bolufawi majekodunmi on Wed, 23rd Jan 2013 10:35 am 

    i don’t believe he died and really he died then pls send to my mail how,when and where he die


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  13. endowed on Wed, 30th Jan 2013 5:56 am 

    Your story makes no sense…mennnn!!that guy was gooooooodddddd or do I sense jealousy? Please give us a clear report of if van damne is dead


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  14. Ikechi on Sat, 23rd Feb 2013 4:16 am 

    Is he illuminati? I want them to suffer for worshipping satan


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  15. dee on Wed, 13th Mar 2013 5:19 pm 

    Sounds like u just want to fuck him real bad i know i do lol just be honest hater &come out of the closet


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  16. Boc Moses on Sat, 20th Apr 2013 1:05 pm 

    all this freaky lies about him, I tell you can never be enough to deceive his fans all over the globe.


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  17. xolani on Wed, 8th May 2013 4:17 am 

    dude I tell u the truth that guy is the fred astaire of karate, although u hate him he has many fans around the globe & don’t need a bull shit motherf**** like u


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  18. Dustin OShea on Wed, 22nd May 2013 3:13 am 

    TO DUDE WHO DNT LIKE MR. VAN DAMME HES FUCKIN KRAZY MAN IVE LOVED HIS MOVIES MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE MAN HES A GREAT ACTOR N A MAGNIFICENT BADASS FIGHTER I WOULD ABSOLUTLY LOVE TO FIGHT LIKE HIM WHEN I WALK AGAIN ILL EVEN PAY HIM A SHITLOAD OF MONEY 2 TEACH ME N I BET HED DO IT NOT JUST 4 ALL THE CASH ID GIVE HIM BUT PEOPLE CAN JUST TELL HES A GREAT PERSON TOO! I KNO HE AINT DEAD ITD B ALL OVER THE NEWS WORLDWIDE CUZ THATS HOW BIG OF AN ACTOR N FIGHTER HE WAD! MUCH LOVE 2 YA VAN DAMME UR A STRAIGHT BADASS WITH A SHITLOAD OF TALENT! I PRAY U C THIS CUZ U SHOULD HERE IT EVERYDAY OF UR LIFE TILL U DIE! TAKE CARE BRO! N TO ALL YAL HATERS YAL CAN GO SCREW URSELF HES THE MAN!!!!!!!! SINCERELY, DUSTIN O’SHEA


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  19. tk on Thu, 18th Jul 2013 4:28 pm 

    that hates
    van damme so bad,y all the hatred?that is a gud acter, fighter nd a gud fucker mayb u wanted him 2 fuck u nd he dissapointed you…oops sorry maan just let it go you r nt worth it to him.


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  20. The Mighty Stan on Tue, 23rd Jul 2013 7:42 am 

    Van is the man,motherf****s talk an bullshit walks,haters might as well go to hell!Van inspired me to walk the streets of hell with no fearfor ani evil.wish u cud all dis!


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  21. Nazeer on Wed, 22nd Jan 2014 1:30 pm 

    Nothings new even you became best actor you must face enemies.


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