FILM THREAT’S FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD 2004 (41-50)

41. GEORGE LUCAS
Jesus, has this guy ever not been on the list? The prequels sucked. The “Star Wars” DVDs don’t include the non-crap laden original versions. Everyone will finally get over their fan boy hand wringing once “Episode III” comes out next year, leaving George free to count his money in his vast, Scrooge McDuck style vault.
Anti-Freeze: Release the original “Star Wars” trilogy on DVD. Granted, they are your movies, George, but the fans are what put you on the map. The DVD set is cool, but Solo shot first. And make sure “Episode III” blows everything you’ve ever done out of the water.

42. JOHN TRAVOLTA
We still have a bone to pick with Quentin Tarantino for making Barbarino an A-lister again. Not that he’s done anything with his status. This year saw him top billing both the lackluster Punisher and the goofy Ladder 49. Only in Hollywood and the arena of professional sports can someone command a $20 million salary and not get fired for under performing.
Anti-Freeze: Is there any way to keep the Battlefield Earth sequel from happening?

43. GEORGE W. BUSH
His presidency may have seen the loss of millions of jobs, but in the film business there was plenty of work to be found on a seemingly endless number of documentaries that skewered the White House resident and his right wing allies in savage full-frontal attacks. Never in U.S. history has a sitting president inspired so much angry film production.
Anti-Freeze: Four more years! Hey, it will keep Michael Moore rich and employed.

44. MEL GIBSON
The old Road Warrior confounded Nay Sayers, liberals and the Hollywood establishment by turning The Passion of the Christ into a box office extravaganza. So how did Gibson follow up the movie event of the year? With back-to-back embarrassments: a tepid revenge thriller that no one wanted to see (Paparazzi) and creating a laugh-free comedy TV show which brought the low-expectations ABC to new depths (“Complete Savages”). Perhaps Gibson was too busy counting his Passion profits to realize his encores were dying on the vine. The Passion of the Christ may have given him the proverbial last laugh, but he repeatedly hit potholes with the obnoxious publicity assault that preceded the film’s opening.
Anti-Freeze: How about donating some or even all of the profits from The Passion of the Christ to the poor – it’s the Christian thing to do!

45. NATALIE PORTMAN & KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
One or the other, it’s that simple. Really. It’s just too damn confusing.
Anti-Freeze: Halt all cloning experiments immediately.

46. UWE BOLL
When you’re making low budget horror films based on videogames, the last thing you want to do is piss off the geeks. Especially since they comprise almost your entire audience. But piss off the geeks this guy has done – first, with last year’s wretched House of the Dead and now with his upcoming “Alone in the Dark” and “Bloodrayne” adaptations which look and sound like they’re going to be every bit as stanky.
Anti-Freeze: Drop the camera and back away. Perhaps, over time, everything will be forgotten. But not forgiven.

47. CATHERINE ZETA-JONES
Chicago was overrated: a by-the-numbers version of a moderately entertaining musical. What little appeal it had came from the complete ease audiences had in accepting CZJ as a manipulative glory hog. Now she barely has time to make her token one movie a year (2004’s The Terminal was barely worth the effort) in between wedding lawsuits and building contractor disputes. It figures, because we always assumed the character of Charlie from High Fidelity was closer to her true personality than anyone wanted to admit.
Anti-Freeze: Whatever, we don’t care, just please don’t revive your singing career.

48. AL PACINO
Pacino’s penchant for overblown acting has been tolerated for many years, but that will change dramatically when his decidedly non-kosher interpretation of Shylock in the upcoming film The Merchant of Venice arrives in late December. Not since Lucille Ball in “Mame” has an actor been so catastrophically miscast – he mangles Shakespeare’s searing text with a weird, vaguely Yiddish-inflected singsong delivery that suggests Yoda imitating Jackie Mason. With this film, Pacino makes the sorry graduation from being a ham to being a fool. Is it possible that the actor who gave us “The Godfather,” “Serpico” and “Dog Day Afternoon” could become such an inane shadow of his former talent?
Anti-Freeze: Make way at the bottom of the barrel because here comes Pacino!

49. JENNIFER ANISTON
Yes, this ex-Friend is ubiquitous on the small screen thanks to those damn reruns and in the tabloids thanks to her hunk hubby, but has anyone stopped to see what Aniston’s done on the big screen? Either she is so benign that people forget she was in the film (Rock Star, Bruce Almighty) or she is an annoying central presence in films, which no one wants to see (The Good Girl, Along Came Polly). Whatever appeal she may have enjoyed on TV is absent in movies. As star marriages go, Mr. Pitt is clearly the real star of that union (and, truth be told, the prettier one).
Anti-Freeze: We hear they’re looking for guest spots on “Joey.”

50. JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
When he was banging up his body on MTV’s “Jackass” and in the subsequent film version, Knoxville was a hypnotic and brilliant presence. But take away the stupid stunts and give him a script and Knoxville turns into a total non-entity. He’s not naturally funny enough to carry a comic role (A Dirty Shame, Walking Tall) and he lacks the chops to handle dramatic roles (Grand Theft Parsons). Either Knoxville cannot act or he has yet to land the right role – or maybe he really was just a one trick pony. Of course, it would be hilarious if other Jackass alum crossed over into movies – let’s see if Bam Margera can succeed where Knoxville has yet to click.
Anti-Freeze: Somehow we suspect the upcoming “Dukes of Hazzard” film is not the antitode for Knoxville’s sluggish career.

And it doesn’t end there! Get some EXTRA COLD>>>




Posted on November 22, 2004 in Features by
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