FILM THREAT’S FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD 2004 (31-40)

31. LAUREN BACALL
The 80-year-old diva had bile to spare when she openly dissed co-star Nicole Kidman in a joint interview for British TV last September, during her promotion of the film Birth. When an interviewer described Kidman as a “legend,” Bacall rudely interrupted with: “She’s not a legend! She’s a beginner. What is this ‘legend’? She can’t be a legend at whatever age she is. She can’t be a legend, you have to be older.” Reality check: if Bacall wasn’t Humphrey Bogart’s wife, she wouldn’t be a legend!
Anti-Freeze: Forget it – if she’s not polite by 80, she’s beyond redemption.

32. ADRIEN BRODY
Admittedly, he is not the easiest actor to cast, but Brody didn’t help his cause when he followed his Oscar-winning victory in The Pianist with a handful of small artsy movies that no one bothered to see and an overcooked romp as the homicidal retard in The Village. In fact, the biggest exposure he’s had since the Oscar was bouncing his way through a Coke commercial – and even then he wasn’t trusted with dialogue! At least Catherine Zeta-Jones gets to talk in her TV commercials.
Anti-Freeze: See if Pepsi will give you a speaking part in their commercials.

33. ALEC BALDWIN
As his star power wanes and his waistline expands, we’re simultaneously seeing less and more of him. The one-time A-list star seems stuck doing obnoxious small parts in horrible films (Pearl Harbor,” The Cat in the Hat, Along Came Polly). His Oscar nomination for Best Supporting Actor in The Cooler was a rare reprieve, but at this stage of his career, he should be in bigger and better parts.
Anti-Freeze: A better agent and a girdle.

34. SHARON STONE
After spending the last several years starring in one yawn-inducing turkey after another, the woman who once made special appearances in many a film geek’s wet dreams, tries to regain some street cred by starring as the villain in…Catwoman. Catwoman? Whoever thought that was a good idea should be fired.
Anti-Freeze: We’d suggest flashing her bush again but…on second thought…no.

35. TOM HANKS
You know, he almost had us fooled with his Colonel Sanders impression in The Ladykillers and many actually thought The Terminal was a decent movie, but here comes the backbreaker – A CG character of himself in The Polar Express? Is he trying to make everyone hate him?
Anti-Freeze: Hal Sparks was on to something when, during VH-1′s “I Love the 90s”, he proposed a Forrest Gump vs. Karl from “Slingblade” showdown. So come on, Tom, put up yer dukes!

36. TIM BURTON
With the release of “Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events” it’s apparent that we no longer need the services of Tim Burton. Other people can do his work better than he can now.
Anti-Freeze: Just make sure that no harm comes to Mr. Wonka, his Chocolate Factory, or Charlie and perhaps we can learn to forgive and forget.

37. VIN DIESEL
Vin returns to the list after appearing in the box office flop The Chronicles of Riddick. Was it that long ago that this guy was being hailed as the next Arnie?
Anti-Freeze: Is a sequel to Saving Private Ryan out of the question?

38. STEPHEN SOMMERS
Dude, drop the Lucas playbook and stop assuming every frame of every scene in your movies needs to be filled with CGI crap. Van Helsing gave audiences a collective migraine, and threatened to be one of the worst reviewed movies of the year until Surviving Christmas came along. We’re at a loss to explain how someone could make a movie featuring Dracula, the Wolf Man, and Frankenstein’s monster such a piece of big budget crap, but somehow you managed.
Anti-Freeze: Don’t even think about making that “Flash Gordon” movie.

39. THOMAS JANE
A.K.A. Tom Jane, A.K.A. The Punisher, A.K.A. The Star Who Never Was.
Anti-Freeze: Get the ice pick, he’s frozen solid.

40. JENNIFER LOPEZ
It’s hardly sporting to kick someone when they’re down. On the other hand, it’s really fun. The dust had barely settled from Gigli before Lopez followed it up with her extended cameo in the less than stellar Jersey Girl and the repugnant “Shall We Dance?” With her musical career in decline as well, Jenny From The Block is in danger of becoming Jenny From Hollywood Squares.
Anti-Freeze: We suggest eschewing the whole “keeping it real” fallacy and embracing your inner high-maintenance prima donna. It worked for Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Get the rest of the list in the next part of FILM THREAT’S FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD 2004>>>




Posted on November 22, 2004 in Features by

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