FILM THREAT’S FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD 2004 (11-20)

11. STEPHEN BALDWIN
Remember him? No one does, except the casting agents for direct-to-video crap. He hasn’t had a real movie role since The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas – if you call that a real film! He’s already done the has-been reality TV circuit, so how much lower can he go? Even Keyzer Soze couldn’t mastermind a career resurrection for this ill-fated Baldwin bro. He even embarrassed himself during the election by showing up on MSNBC spouting some type of confused religious agenda. And now he’s hosting “Scare Tactics” on the Sci-Fi Channel, which makes us all miss Shannen Doherty.
Anti-Freeze: Wait, which Baldwin are we talking about again? Um. We got nothing.

12. LINDSAY LOHAN
Between the feuds, family problems and radio station rants, this lady gets more tiresome every time her name appears in print. Lindsay’s the perfect example of overstaying a welcome.
Anti-Freeze: Read a book. (And no cheating, it has to be a book without pictures.)

13. WILL SMITH
I, Robot and Shark Tale both in the same year? He may not be Hollywood’s biggest whore, but he is the best dressed. Somewhere Jazzy Jeff is laughing his butt off over Smith’s choice of roles. Let’s face it, the only thing worse than Will Smith trying to be funny, is him trying to be dramatic. And just when you thought it couldn’t get worse, Smith lends his voice to Shark Tale, for anyone over the age of 9, this is 90 minutes of nails on a chalkboard.
Anti-Freeze: The sequel to “Independence Day.” It just might work…

14. HEATH LEDGER
The Australian dreamboat’s career sprung a leak with box office disasters like “The Four Feathers,” The Order and Ned Kelly (which sat on the shelf for so long that Aborigines could probably trace song lines in its dust). Heath’s too old for the teen roles that established his career but not talented enough to handle genuine dramatic challenges (no one remembered he was in Monster’s Ball, although he was featured on the film’s poster). Even longtime gal-pal Naomi Watts shed him as her A-list fame increased.
Anti-Freeze: Maybe the Australian Tourist Board needs a new spokesman?

15. ASHLEY JUDD
She has done not a damn thing worth mentioning since she was in “Ruby In Paradise”. Is it possible for her to play one more “female police officer” or “high powered attorney” aside either Samuel L. Jackson or Morgan Freeman? With Judd, it’s either cop, lawyer, victim or cute-girl-down-the-hall, either way she’s sure to spend time lounging around in her bra. All the movies combined make a DVD boxed set… of poop. “De-Lovely” isn’t nearly a strong enough apology for Twisted and the 15 minutes she spent in Frida while Salma Hayek acted circles around her doesn’t count.
Anti-Freeze: Crossover to country music while your last name is still familiar on the NASCAR fan circuit.

16. KEENEN IVORY WAYANS
White Chicks? Now that was a scary movie.
Anti-Freeze: Oh wait! We’ve got the title for your next movie – Funny Movie.

17. COLIN FARRELL’S PENIS
Colin’s alleged full frontal nudity scene for A Home at the End of the World, reportedly created endless distraction for test audiences, upsetting their enjoyment of the movie. We don’t know how “big” or “small” the distraction was, but the PR hype made it sound like Colin was sporting a WMD in his pants. It’s a good thing it wasn’t a 3-D movie, or Colin would’ve been accused of poking people in the eye. The film’s producers got out their editing scissors and opted for a fully clothed Colin without the naughty scene, but alas the prospect of seeing Farrell in his clothing was not enough to distract people into buying tickets for that here-today/gone-tomorrow indie. Now we hear that “Alexander” keeps Colin’s Peter firmly tucked under his skirt – can’t this dick get a shot at stardom?
Anti-Freeze: Let it all hang out, Colin. If you’ve got it, flaunt it.

18. QUEEN LATIFAH
Yeah, she is an Oscar-nominated actress, but she also just co-starred with Jimmy Fallon in “Taxi”. Guess those nominations don’t get you very far, do they?
Anti-Freeze: Stay away from the lame-brained comedies. Since you’re really not known for your overwhelming comedic skills, starring in one comedy after another is probably not a good idea.

19. MORGAN FREEMAN
There is no denying Morgan Freeman is a great actor. But lately he seems to be telephoning in his performances, relying on a stale wise-old-man persona (Bruce Almighty, The Big Bounce), which makes him seem like a bit of a fuddy-duddy. This is Morgan Freeman as we’ve never seen him before: boring.
Anti-Freeze: Get back into acting.

20. ASHTON KUTCHER
Ashton clearly has made a pact with the devil. It’s the only way to describe the minor success he’s enjoyed. He isn’t funny and can barely act, yet he gets more work and tail than he can shake a stick at. “Punk’d” should have been put to rest after the first season, “That ’70s Show” is as vapid as Kutcher himself and The Butterfly Effect was mediocre at best.
Anti-Freeze: It’s okay to use your indoor voice, really it is. And the whole P. Diddy thing is super annoying.

Get the rest of the list in the next part of FILM THREAT’S FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD 2004>>>




Posted on November 22, 2004 in Features by

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