EXCESS HOLLYWOOD: THE CANCERS THAT ARE TREKKIES

The “Star Trek” films and everything associated with them have always bored me. The shows the films are based on are blather, and the franchise’s fans come across as misguided intellectuals on LSD. In my opinion, “Trekkies” didn’t go far enough. True Trekkies, who are not the cool rejects of society they’d like us all to believe, are talentless outcasts whose existence on the fringe is tolerated by the true geeks only because it takes some of the heat off them. Once a loser, always a loser.

How many of these fools do you think are cursing me in Klingon right now?

When I was in high school there was this kid who wore a “Star Trek” shirt nearly every day. It wasn’t a shirt with an iron-on transfer of the cast or anything like that. It was a replica of the shirts the crew of the Enterprise wore. (A look later stolen by the Wiggles.) Creepy. A few years later this guy got a gig at the local college radio station. His choice of music? Scores from sci-fi movies. Granted, it was a pretty cool idea. I have fond memories of driving around the Poconos on stormy fall nights with the theme from “Robocop” blaring from my speakers. My friend and I thoroughly enjoyed fucking with this guy, though, partially because of that “Star Trek” shirt.

My favorite thing to do to the Trekkie involved hooking a microphone up to my friend’s bass amp and then calling the DJ at the station and saying things like, “Play something from ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ you useless human.” My voice sounded downright menacing when it boomed over the amp.

“I … don’t know … if I have an-“, he would stammer.

“Play it or die!”

He’d play it, and I’d let him live.

I’ve always enjoyed screwing around with “Star Trek” fans; it’s fun and socially acceptable. Since I write for Film Threat, some people think I have the inside scoop on Hollywood. Some of these people are Trekkies. When these folks ask if I know anything about the next “Star Trek” movie, I always feed them a line of bull.

“Yeah, I heard Shatner has a screenplay written.”

“Really? Do you know what it is about?”

“Shatner has the crew of the Enterprise going back through time to America’s Old West. Apparently they are going to help cowboys fight Native Americans. Shatner describes it as a ‘good old fashioned sci-fi western musical.’”

“Oh my God, that’s horrible!”

Way too easy.

Another humorous thing to do to Trekkies is to get the “official” terms wrong while pretending to be a fan. I always saying something like, “I just love when the ships go through hyperspace!”

“No! That’s ‘Star Wars!’ We use the warp drive.”

Gets them every time.

I wouldn’t have such a problem with Trekkies if their object of worship wasn’t so damn mediocre. I can’t sit through anything “Star Trek” without fighting off sleep or laughing at the idiocy. The actors can’t act, and the stories are so damn self-important that they go beyond comical and become boorish. Trekkies don’t (or can’t) see that, though. They think these “actors” are Oscar and Emmy worthy. They call the stories “deep” and believe that every line has some profound lesson for mankind. As one Trekkie once said to me, “This is us … in the future.”

No, it really isn’t.

I don’t understand the appeal of the “Star Trek” franchise. I don’t see how it relates to my life, and I don’t appreciate people telling me I have to watch the films because they are “so good.” And I get really weirded out by overweight guys telling me about how hot the female aliens are and their sexual fantasies involving them. Ever read any of the homoerotic fan fiction for “Star Trek”? Holy shit. I’ve read diaries from serial killers that are less scary.

In Trekkies’ defense, I will agree that the second “Star Trek” film is the best of the bunch, but that’s a lot like picking the best “Police Academy” movie. By the very laws of nature, not all crap smells the same. The pile that smells the least foul is often the best one. Trekkies won’t admit that, though. They cite all these “scientific” statistics about even numbered “Star Trek” films being superior to the odd numbered ones. It makes a hell of a lot of sense … to a “Star Trek” fan. To the rest of us, however, it’s just geeks being … geeky.

I know some Trekkies who can speak Klingon but can’t name their own representatives. I know some who can recite entire chunks of dialogue from the films, but they won’t watch anything with subtitles (unless it’s Klingon) because that’s too much “brain work.” I know some who base their entire philosophy of life around “Star Trek,” but they can’t debate Nietzsche’s supposed anti-Semitism.

Honestly, folks, there are two groups of people I don’t want around my daughter. One is child molesters, and the other is Trekkies. (I don’t trust priests, either, but my little girl doesn’t have a penis, so she’s pretty safe.) I don’t like them around me, and I definitely won’t let them near my child.

I’ll exit with this little nugget from a conversation I had with a Trekkie many years ago.

“Doug, you have to agree that ‘Star Trek’ changed our views of the world of tomorrow.” She was looking at me with big eyes that just begged me to nod my head or give a knowing smile. She wanted me to validate her bizarre mindset. I wasn’t buying it. She was a Trekkie, and she used the phrase “world of tomorrow” like she were doing an ad for a display at the World’s Fair.

“If that’s the case,” I answered, “I’ll kill myself and take every one of you fuckers with me.”

She never talked to me again, and I’ve never been happier.

Discuss Doug Brunell’s “Excess Hollywood” column in Film Threat’s BACK TALK section! Click here>>>




Posted on November 24, 2005 in Features by
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