ENTER THE DEN OF SIN: LIKE “JAWS”, ONLY STUPID

Well folks, here it is. The column you’ve no doubt all been waiting for. That’s right, we finally got around to watching the mind-blowing “Orca” and the pretty damn bad “Grizzly”. We had originally planned on scrapping the night all together, or at the very least bumping it to another month, but the outcry from the Peanut Gallery was so great that we decided to ignore our every other week programming schedule and programmed an extra week just so we could get it in. This was, after all, the night that had originally lured out University instructor Blair, so we had to give him something to tell his class about, didn’t we?

As expected, turnout was very high, with a solid 9 people showing up, including Blair and our favorite sarcastic bastard Owen. Pre-movie banter was dominated by mixed reactions to the special Holiday Spice Pepsi we had on offer, I being in the minority camp of “pretty good”. Nick was skeptical of the danger presented by the orcas since “it’s not like they have lasers or anything” and Owen wanted to make sure the movie didn’t open with orca sex since he was still scarred by having seen “The Beast” on the big screen twice in two days a couple of years ago.

For those of you who haven’t seen it, I recommend you go out and rent the new DVD of “Orca” immediately. This movie is amazing. Amazingly, mindblowingly, gawd awful. It is awe inducing, and we at the Den of Sin have seen our share of terrible movies. Nothing can really prepare you for how bad this movie is, yet it still manages to be incredibly watchable. Marvel as a clearly shit-faced Richard Harris gargles his lines while waiting for his check. Scratch your head at the deeply confused pseudo environmental plot. Hurl insults as Bo Derek deftly demonstrates her inability to act her way out of a wet paper bag.

The “plot” has something to do with a Nova Scotian fisherman, played with Whisky soaked saltiness by Mr. Harris, incurring the vengeful wrath of a grief stricken killer whale. No, I’m not kidding. Charlotte Rampling, for reasons none of us could figure out is also in the movie as a marine biologist. There is also a horribly un-PC Native American character. Oh yeah, and the orca also kicks a shark’s ass. This movie truly does have everything.

“Orca” is also very educational, as we learn among other things that to killer whales the English language would seem “retarded” and that whales are capable of crying, blowing things up, and flipping the bird. Graeme pointed out that the stock footage of the whales looked as though the producers had just hit mute on the Lorne Green voice over.

The best line of the night belonged to Blair who added the subtitle for our whale hero of, “I came here to chew fish and kick ass. And I’m all out of fish”. Honorable mention also goes to Owen whose many comments included, “What kind of paper and balsa wood boat is this”, “Oh, for Christ’s sake, voodoo whales?!” and the kicker, “Is the whale going to call all of his lobster companions?” Graeme noted that Richard Harris’s plan to dress up a dummy by the seashore was, “Brilliant, Willey Coyote brilliant”. My Fiance’s favorite scene was where Bo Derek’s leg was devoured by the orca, adding some much needed gore to the ridiculous proceedings.

Appropriately, plans were also made for a “Catwoman”, “AVP” double bill where we would also test out whether you could make crap vodka taste like Kettle One with a Brita filter. I’m still deciding whether I have the constitution for that one, but stay tuned just in case. As usual there was a poll on who Ice Cube should play in the movie and the role of wise old Indian was the unanimous choice, while some of us thought that the Richard Harris role should have been played by either Nick Nolte or Rutger Hauer.

I for one felt deep pity for poor Charlotte Rampling who obviously hadn’t realized the train wreck she had signed up for. We rationalized that she must have been lured in by the film’s pretentious lefty “message” although it all ended up so muddled even that was hard to believe. It’s kind of difficult for me to really articulate the experience of seeing this movie, there are just so many amazing sequences, including the act that provokes the orca’s rage. But I don’t want to give any of them away they are so unbelievable. And to top it all off, the film ends with the “Love Theme from Orca”. Wow. Just wow.

The evening continues in part two of ENTER THE DEN OF SIN: LIKE “JAWS”, ONLY STUPID>>>




Posted on January 13, 2005 in Features by
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