FILM THREAT’S 2005 SUMMER MOVIE PREVIEW

JUNE

CINDERELLA MAN
Released: June 3rd
Directed by: Ron Howard
Starring: Russell Crowe, Renée Zellweger, Connor Price
The Lowdown: Russell Crowe plays legendary boxer James Braddock. This is his story.
FT says
Rory L. Aronsky: Nothing like a cross-dressing man finally making it to their dream prom. What? This is a Russell Crowe boxing movie? Oh. Well, we’ll see how hard he can pound then.
Eric Campos: “Oy! You fellas calling me Cinderella? You must wanna fight!”
Chris Thilk: I’ve stopped caring about Russell Crowe and Ron Howard should stick to narrating “Arrested Development”. Still haven’t forgiven him for The Grinch.
Pete Vonder Haar: Nothing says summer blockbuster like “heartwarming comeback true story of Depression-era boxer Jim Braddock.” You’ll get to see lots of Russell Crowe with his shirt off, at least. If that’s your thang.

LORDS OF DOGTOWN
Released: June 3rd
Directed by Catherine Hardwicke
Starring: Heath Ledger, Emile Hirsch, John Robinson
The Lowdown: Following the popular documentary “Dogtown and Z-Boys”, this is the dramatized story of the Z-Boys, a group of teenage surfers/skaters from Venice, California.
FT says
Eric Campos: Nothing beats “Gleaming the Cube”! Ever!
Chris Thilk: Completely indifferent. Does Heath Ledger actually exist or is he a computer generated composite of Josh Hartnett, Paul Walker and every other bland young actor from the last five years?

THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS
Released: June 3rd
Directed by: Ken Kwapis
Starring: Amber Tamblyn, Alexis Bledel, Blake Lively
The Lowdown: The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, based on Ann Brashares’ best-selling novel, tells the story of one very special summer in the lives of four lifelong friends who are separated for the first time. On a shopping trip together, the young women find a pair of thrift-shop jeans that fits each of them perfectly and they decide to use these “magic” pants as a way of keeping in touch over the months ahead, each one wearing the jeans for a week to see what luck they bring her before sending them on to the next.
Ft says –
Eric Campos: I once had a pair of magical pants. Due to their inability to stay up, they always magically landed me in jail.
Chris Thilk: Looks good. Dammit.
Pete Vonder Haar: At the very least, we can draw comfort from the fact there will never be a “Brotherhood of the Traveling Pants”. No man we know would ever sink so low as to wear his buddy’s crusty trousers, I don’t care how allegedly “magic” they are.

THE ADVENTURES OF SHARK BOY & LAVA GIRL
Released: June 10th
Directed by: Robert Rodriguez
Starring: Taylor Lautner, Cayden Boyd, George Lopez
The Lowdown: A 10-year-old kid spends his summer with his imaginary friends, Shark Boy and Lava Girl.
FT says
Rory L. Aronsky: Be warned. Their kids are horrifying.
Eric Campos: I’ve always wanted to see that movie “Shark Skin Man and Peach Hip Girl”. If anyone has a DVD of it they would like to loan me, drop me a line.
Chris Thilk: What is this, Rodriquez’s fifth film of the last two years? Since odds aren’t in favor of either Jessica Alba or Salma Hayek appearing topless in this one I can’t say I’m that excited about it.

THE BAD NEWS BEARS
Released: June 10th
Directed by: Richard Linklater
Starring: Billy Bob Thornton, Greg Kinnear, Marcia Gay Harden
The Lowdown: Richard Linklater provides a fresh take on the 1976 film, “The Bad News Bears”. Billy Bob Thornton plays the grizzled coach who must whip a team of Little Leaguers into shape.
FT says
Rory L. Aronsky: There’d better be another foul-mouthed kid in this one. And Billy Bob Thornton isn’t what we mean.
Eric Campos: As proven in Bad Santa, Billy Bob + kids = funny.
Chris Thilk: Billy Bob plays a foul-mouthed drunk. Haven’t I seen this somewhere before?
Pete Vonder Haar: Look for the personality of the now stereotypical characters to be eviscerated by Billy Bob Thornton doing a slightly toned down riff on “Bad Santa”. In a perfect world, Walter Matthau would rise from his unhallowed grave and tear his entrails out.

THE HONEYMOONERS
Released: June 10th
Directed by: John Schultz
Starring: Cedric the Entertainer, Mike Epps, Regina Hall
The Lowdown: The Honeymooners are back and black.
FT says
Eric Campos: They should’ve just had Eddie Murphy act out his gay Ed Norton and Ralph Kramden act for two hours. I woulda been down with that.
Phil Hall: Just what the world doesn’t need, an all-black remake of the Jackie Gleason classic. What’s next, an all-white version of “Amos ‘n’ Andy”?
Chris Thilk: Continuing the recent trend of anally-raping classic entertainment.
Pete Vonder Haar: We can only hope they keep the hilarious domestic violence jokes intact.

MR. AND MRS. SMITH
Released: June 10th
Directed by: Doug Liman
Starring: Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Adam Brody
The Lowdown: John and Jane Smith are an ordinary suburban couple with an ordinary, lifeless suburban marriage. But each of them has a secret: They are legendary assassins working for competing organizations. When the truth comes out, John and Jane end up in each other’s cross-hairs.
FT says
Rory L. Aronsky: Enjoy the wonders of divorce through two people who know it best: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Watch them try to kill each other and you get the basic idea of Hollywood divorces.
Eric Campos: The smell of infidelity is a stinky cologne.
Chris Thilk: Actually looks somewhat appealing with decent action and a funny setup with a dark payoff. I’m actually interested in seeing this.
Pete Vonder Haar: Could all the rumors of dalliances between Pitt and Jolie on the set of this be the cause of recent dissolution of Pitt’s marriage? Could they have been started to generate advance word-of-nouth about a movie that, quite frankly, sounds like a rehash of both True Lies and Undercover Blues? You be the judge.

BATMAN BEGINS
Released: June 17th
Directed by: Christopher Nolan
Starring: Christian Bale, Ken Watanabe, Cillian Murphy
The Lowdown: Christopher Nolan, along with Christian Bale, reveals the Dark Knight’s origin, while at the same time breathing new life into Batman film franchise.
FT says
Eric Campos: Batman’s gotta return some videotapes.
Michael Ferraro: Now that Sin City arrived and showed the world how to really make comic book movies (hear that, Sam Raimi?), do we really need to see anymore?
Blaine Fidler: No flamey Schumacher flourishes, no Robin and no damned Bat-nipples! The first Batman movie in years that may actually inspire the fanboys more than the flyboys!
Phil Hall: Begins? This damn franchise never ends!
Chris Thilk: Even the teaser trailer made me drop my “Batman & Robin”-inspired vow to never again pay money for a Batman movie. Everything since then has just gotten me more excited about this one.
Pete Vonder Haar: Forget nipples on the Batsuit, word is that director Christopher Nolan will be bringing back Bat-Mite.

THE PERFECT MAN
Released: June 17th
Directed by: Mark Rosman
Starring: Hilary Duff, Heather Locklear, Aria Wallace
The Lowdown: Hillary Duff sets her Mom up with an imaginary hunk to distract her from the usual losers she’s so drawn to.
FT says
Rory L. Aronsky: Take your pick from any of us men on Film Threat. We’re cuddly and you’ll downright love us.
Eric Campos: Oh man, I think…I think…I’m gonna…puke…
Chris Thilk: Heather Locklear officially passes the torch to Hillary Duff.
Pete Vonder Haar: If your final sign of the Apocalypse was Hillary Duff appearing in a movie with Styx’s Dennis DeYoung, it might be a good idea to get your affairs in order before this movie opens.

BEWITCHED
Released: June 24th
Directed by: Nora Ephron
Starring: Nicole Kidman, Will Ferrell, Shirley MacLaine
Nicole Kidman stars as the twitchy nosed witch and Will Ferrell is the straight man to her shenanigans.
FT says
Eric Campos: Bewitched: The Destruction of Will Ferrell Continues
Phil Hall: Does this one come with an annoying laugh track, too?
Chris Thilk: Either a sly meta-examination of filmmaking or absolutely huge train wreck. Can’t decide yet.
Pete Vonder Haar: If Nicole Kidman’s Samantha runs into her character from Practical Magic and the two engage in a sorcerrous battle that ranges from vats of Jell-O to the grotto at the Playboy mansion, this will be the greatest movie ever.

HERBIE: FULLY LOADED
Released: June 24th
Directed by Angela Robinson
Starring: Lindsay Lohan, Justin Long, Breckin Meyer
The Lowdown: The Bug is back and this time Lindsay Lohan is behind the wheel.
FT says
Blaine Fidler:Pffft.. yeah, whatever. Just fuck off. And people wonder why there’s so much cynicism in the world today.
Phil Hall: Sounds like a porno film, no?
Chris Thilk: An afront to Dean Jones, Buddy Hackett and David Tomlinson. Michael Keaton, how far you’ve fallen.
Pete Vonder Haar: Because if ever there was a time our country needed the story of a Volkswagen Bug with a penchant for matchmaking entering the NASCAR circuit, it’s now. Fathers forced to drag their kids to this can at least wallow in the sweaty guilt of ogling Lindsay Lohan’s barely legal chest.

LAND OF THE DEAD
Released: June 24th
Directed by George A. Romaero
Starring: Simon Baker, Robert Joy, John Leguizamo
The Lowdown: In Romero’s long-awaited fourth “Dead” film, zombies have taken over the world. What’s left of the “civilized” human race has boarded itself up in a walled-in city.
FT says
Eric Campos: After long last, the fans have finally gotten what they’ve been scratching for, but will this be a dream come true, or a living nightmare along the lines of another highly-anticipated movie from another filmmaker named George – “The Phantom Menace”? Fingernails everywhere are being chewed to bloody nubs waiting for the answer.

WAR OF THE WORLDS
Released: June 29th
Directed by Steven Spielberg
Starring: Tom Cruise, Miranda Otto, Dakota Fanning The Lowdown: The classic H.G. Wells sci-fi tale is retold, Spielberg style.
FT says
Rory L. Aronsky: It’s the red states versus the blue states in a no-holds barred, all guns blazing, steel cage match. Normally, you’d be charged $39.95 for this, but since it really has no effect on anyone, here it is in the movies.
Eric Campos: It’s not exactly “V”, but…sure, let’s do this!
Jeremy Knox: What’s that distant rumbling? Are those alien war machines coming to destroy us all??? Nope, it’s H.G. Wells banging on the lid of his coffin begging to be let out so he can go kick Steven Spielberg in the nuts. Do we HAVE to see yet ANOTHER alien invasion movie that’s almost guaranteed to look like every single other one ever made since the genre began?
Chris Thilk:
My favorite thing is Spielberg saying he wanted to do this 10 years ago but “Independence Day” ruined his plans. “ID4″ shouldn’t have delayed anyone from anything – from taking a crap to elective gall bladder surgery much less prompting Spielberg to think twice about making a movie.

Look ahead to July in part four of FILM THREAT’S 2005 SUMMER MOVIE PREVIEW>>>




Posted on April 10, 2005 in Features by

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