FILM THREAT’S 2005 SUMMER MOVIE PREVIEW

AUGUST

DOOM
Released: August 5th
Directed by: David Callaham
Starring: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Karl Urban, Rosamund Pike
The Lowdown: The first person shooter that finds our hero battling vicious mutants finally hits the big screen.
FT says
Rory L. Aronsky: Based on the video game. Let us pray.
Eric Campos: The title says it all.
Chris Thilk: Point. Shoot. Kill the demon. They made a movie of this?
Pete Vonder Haar: The hell with that, where’s the “Custer’s Revenge” movie?

THE DUKES OF HAZZARD
Released: August 5th
Directed by: Jay Chandrasekhar
Starring: Johnny Knoxville, Seann William Scott, Jessica Simpson
The Lowdown: Just the good ol’ boys. Never meanin’ no harm.
FT says
Eric Campos: A little “Super Troopers” mixed with the Duke Boys? I’m a happy kid.
Blaine Fidler: I’ve seen the sneak peaks of Jessica Simpson sporting her not-so-short “Daisy Dukes” and believe you me even she won’t be enough to save this misguided ode to moonshine, hillbilly hijinks and the more brain damaged elements of the NASCAR crowd.
Phil Hall: Will the P.C. police demand the Confederate flag be taken off the roof of the General Lee? Or will they be too distracted by Jessica Simpson’s tits to notice?
Chris Thilk: This movie has me feeling like the Millennium Falcon caught in the Death Star’s tractor beam: I’ve got a bad feeling about this, but at the same time I’m drawn to it. Might just be for Jessica Simpson in a halter-top.
Pete Vonder Haar: He’s a devil-may-care redneck who shoots dynamite arrows and jumps washed out bridges in his Dodge Charger. So’s his brother. They fight crime.

DEUCE BIGALOW: EUROPEAN GIGALO
Released: August 12th
Directed by: Mike Bigelow
Starring: Rob Schneider, Eddie Griffin, Edwin Alofs
The Lowdown: Rob Schneider does the Deuce once again.
FT says
Rory L. Aronsky: The STD special effects sequence isn’t pretty.
Eric Campos: Welcome to the bottom of the barrel.
Chris Thilk: Between this and Fever Pitch it’s tough to decide whether Rob Schneider or Jimmy Fallon needs a cock-punching more.
Pete Vonder Haar: We’d talk shit about this, but Schneider might take an ad out in a newspaper to cry about how those mean old critics are picking on him again.

THE SKELETON KEY
Released: August 12th
Directed by: Iain Softley
Starring: Kate Hudson, Gena Rowlands, Peter Sarsgaard
The Lowdown: A live-in nurse explores the mansion she works in, discovering things best left alone.
FT says
Eric Campos: Kate Hudson makes a poor substitute for Scooby Doo.
Chris Thilk: Oh how quickly Kate Hudson has fallen down the food chain.

THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN
Released: August 19th
Directed by: Judd Apatow
Starring: Steve Carell, Catherine Keener, Paul Rudd
The Lowdown: Steve Carell plays a 40-year-old guy who has a nice job, a nice home and a vast collection comics and toys…but he’s never had sex.
FT says
Eric Campos: Steve Carell has a lot of recouping to do for “The Office.” Perhaps this will do it.
Chris Thilk: With the combination of Steve Carrell, Judd Apatow, Paul Rudd and Catherine Keener this one has possibilities.
Pete Vonder Haar: AKA The Average Film Threat Reader.

VALIANT
Released: August 19th
Directed by: Gary Chapman
Starring: Ewan McGregor, Jim Broadbent, John Cleese
The Lowdown: Ewan McGregor supplies a voice in this animated movie about a carrier pigeon in World War II.
FT says
Eric Campos: Good thing this one sounds interesting.
Chris Thilk: CGI animation has worn out its welcome in my book but it’s going to be interesting to see a British take on it.
Pete Vonder Haar: You know this “Greatest Generation” shit has gotten out of hand when they make a movie about the heroism of the British messenger pigeon corps.

DOMINO
Released: TBA
Directed by: Tony Scott
Starring: Keira Knightley, Christopher Walken, Jacqueline Bisset
The Lowdown: Keira Knightley plays a model turned bounty hunter.
FT says
Eric Campos: I think this is going to a lot cooler than most people think.
Chris Thilk: Kiera Knightly as a bounty hunter? She has to be tougher than Jango Fett.
Pete Vonder Haar: Based on a true story, except that she’s not a lesbian anymore, but rather a man-crazy het. The producers obviously never considered the upside of having Keira Knightley involved in an all-female threesome.

Talk summer movies at Back Talk>>>




Posted on April 10, 2005 in Features by
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