5. Dark Water ^ “Dark Water” isn’t a bad horror movie, simply because it isn’t horror at all: a full hour passes before anything remotely scary occurs, and all the suspenseful scenes take place in the final ten minutes (and are all fully shown in the trailer). What’s left is tedium and a seemingly endless build-up to nothing much at all, making it a bad movie. Period.

4. The Dukes of Hazzard ^ Will you enjoy “The Dukes of Hazzard?” Depends. Do you think hearing Willie Nelson threaten to “bust a cap in someone’s ass” is entertaining? Do you enjoy jokes about falling on one’s sphincter? How about Chandrasekhar revisiting the opening scene from “Super Troopers” (which will be lost on everyone but the 50 people who watched the original)? Or the legendary Joe Don Baker relegated to playing the bumbling governor? If you answered “yes” to the majority of those questions, Warner Bros. has the movie for you

3. Kicking & Screaming ^ Ferrell is stuck playing straight man to Duvall, Ditka, and a bunch of kids, and seems content to coast by doing a PG-rated Frank the Tank impersonation, minus the drunkenness or catching on fire. And if you’re saying to yourself, “That doesn’t sound very funny,” it’s because “Kicking & Screaming” isn’t.

2. Must Love Dogs ^ “Must Love Dogs” predictably adheres to all the hoary standards of the romantic comedy: you’ve got the awkward first meeting, an embarrassing musical interlude (once again involving Dermot Mulroney…think he’s pissed off at his agent yet?), the misunderstanding that threatens to tear the couple apart, and the climactic rush to reconciliation that finally puts the audience out of their 90 minutes of misery. Admittedly, there’s some good dialogue here, and the characters have an easy chemistry that makes the proceedings seem almost plausible, that is until writer/director Gary David Goldberg’s bull in a china shop style crushes the life out of everyone in the third act.

1. Supercross ^ “Supercross” is barely 80 minutes long, which is approximately 79 minutes too much. For a sports movie to be successful, you have to give a shit about either the sport itself or one of the characters. I’m sure, for fans of supercross, there are enough cameo appearances and gnarly bike jumps to tide them over. Everyone else is out of luck, because there’s absolutely nothing else here. It may not be the worst movie to come out this year, but the odds are pretty good.

Keep the stink alive at Back Talk>>>

Posted on September 13, 2005 in Features by

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