FILM THREAT’S FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD 2005 (31-40)

31. Cedric the Entertainer ^ Does anyone find this guy funny? Whether providing comic relief in minstrel-worthy supporting roles (“Man of the House”) or failing to carry his weight as a star (“The Honeymooners”), he can barely raise the trace of a giggle with his eye-rolling, belly-swinging antics. ^ Anti-Freeze: Rename himself Cedric the Bore (hey, truth in advertising!).

32. Debra Messing ^ Her schtick as the zany but desperate single thirtysomething might be barely amusing on the small screen’s “Will and Grace,” but it brought zero laughs on the big screen’s The Wedding Date. Rather than coming across as cute, she seemed more like a pathetic whiner who set the cause of single women back fifty years. Come on girl, it’s 2005 – this kind of character sends the wrong message to unmarried independent women. ^ Anti-Freeze: Stick with the sitcoms, preferably where your ensemble castmates get the real laughs.

33. PG-13 Horror Movies ^ It worked once or twice with The Ring and The Grudge, but now even the thirteen-year-olds have had enough. Theaters have been overflowing with gutless wonders such as The Fog, Cry Wolf, The Exorcism of Emily Rose, The Skeleton Key, Boogeyman… and the list goes on… for far too long. Good news is that this trend is dying and horror fans can take comfort in the fact that something gruesome this way comes. ^ Anti-Freeze: Bring back the blood, boobs and bad behavior!

34. Terry Gilliam ^ The ex-Python always blames somebody or something else for his failings. He claimed The Brothers Grimm fiasco was Miramax’s fault, while his aborted Don Quixote movie was blamed on his French star and the Spanish weather. He’s also blamed the Hollywood studios for the commercial failings of his other flicks, including the much-admired “Brazil” and the not-that-admired “The Adventures of Baron Munchausen.” But who is he going to blame for “Tideland” once that shows up in release? The Toronto buzz on that was lethal. Maybe Gilliam is just a magician who ran out of tricks, and he clearly overplayed the blame game. ^ Anti-Freeze: A Monty Python reunion (with Graham Chapman’s bones dug up and covered in papier-mache – no one will be the wiser).

35. Jessica Simpson ^ Does any guy find himself sexually aroused by her? Despite shoehorning her butt into a pair of Daisy Dukes for The Dukes of Hazzard, she proved to be as tempting as a half-forgotten piece of cold fried chicken. Catherine Bach, save us! ^ Anti-Freeze: Tape a catfight between Jessica and little sis Ashlee and sell the video on eBay.

36. Will Ferrell ^ It happens to the best of ‘em, it always does. The big screen’s hottest funnymen burn their fuse and then just sort of fizzle out. This latest tragedy involves Will Ferrell who, after knocking them dead in Zoolander, Old School and Anchorman, has turned to simply putting them to sleep with Melinda and Melinda, Kicking and Screaming and “Bewitched.” ^ Anti-Freeze: “Elf 2″ (we can hardly wait!)

37. Jessica Alba ^ She does justice to her leotards, but not her lines. She was the Invisible Woman in Fantastic 4, but her performance was so abysmal that it’s a shame she wasn’t the Inaudible Woman. ^ Anti-Freeze: A centerfold, preferably in a Larry Flynt magazine.

38. Diane Lane ^ Her summer feature was Must Love Dogs. A more appropriate title would’ve been “Must Hate Self” – that is the only way to explain why this talented actress seeks out the unwanted scepter as Queen of the Cheesy Chick Flicks (remember Under the Tuscan Sun?). ^ Anti-Freeze: A contract with Lifetime Television to make made-for-TV movies.

39. Matthew McConaughey ^ People used to compare him to a young Newman or McQueen. However, with a steady stream of dookie like Sahara, Two for the Money, Tiptoes and “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days,” he’s become the human embodiment of Wooderson from “Dazed and Confused” – a washed-up burnout hanging around solely to score chicks. ^ Anti-Freeze: Stop with the girly films and make a movie with David Gordon Green or Steven Soderbergh. Hell, you’d make an awesome psychopath in a movie. Give it a shot, maaaan.

40. Lynda Carter ^ The good news is that Lynda is still drop-dead gorgeous, three decades after her “Wonder Woman” peak years. The bad news is that she is little more than middle-aged eye candy in crapola like The Dukes of Hazzard and Sky High. ^ Anti-Freeze: “Wonder Woman: The Post-Menopausal Years.”

Get the rest of the list in part six of FILM THREAT’S FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD 2005>>>




Posted on December 9, 2005 in Features by
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