FILM THREAT’S FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD 2005 (21-30)

21. Courtney Love ^ Moviegoers collectively puked last March when it was announced that Ms. Love would be playing Linda Lovelace in a biopic on the legendary porn star. And to think we thought she was sexy… in a “homeless skank” kind of way. Fortunately, we have hope that the never-ending assault and drug charges against the pop star will keep this project from moving forward. ^ Anti-Freeze: Keep up the drugs. Maybe hang out with Tom Sizemore. Anything to keep you in rehab and your naked body away from a movie camera… Okay, so maybe you shouldn’t hang out with Tom Sizemore.

22. Eugene Levy ^ After thirty years, this SCTV vet still isn’t funny. For those in doubt, this year’s The Man, American Pie: Band Camp and “Cheaper by the Dozen 2” provided ample proof of this. ^ Anti-Freeze: Christopher Guest is doing his best to pull him out of the crapper with his upcoming “For Your Consideration.”

23. Uwe Boll ^ And good ol’ Uwe continues his climb up the list. Just the mention of his name brings the thought of fecal matter to many a moviegoer’s mind. His output this year? Video game movies Alone in the Dark and “Bloodrayne.” “Alone in the Dark,” starring Christian Slater, was savaged by just about everyone with the ability to form an opinion. “Bloodrayne” isn’t getting much love either, to say the least. Next year, more lame-brained video game adaptations. ^ Anti-Freeze: Beyond an enforced exile or self-immolation, there really isn’t much else that can help Dr. Boll.

24. Video Game Movies ^ It’s been twelve years since “Super Mario Bros.” hit theaters and Hollywood still hasn’t figured out that video games just don’t adapt well to the big screen. We know it’s their way of trying to get back at the video game industry for overshadowing them in sales, but it’s definitely time for them to just lie down and take a beating. ^ Anti-Freeze: Could the “Halo” movie prove everyone wrong? Our advice: get rid of the hacks making these abominations. Let real filmmakers step in and give it a shot. For example, next year we’ll see how Christophe Gans and Roger Avary fare with “Silent Hill.”

25. Rob Schneider – Wow, this guy’s still around? Maybe he shouldn’t even be on this list out of respect for a man who has one of the greatest scams going in movie business today – fashioning a career out of starring in movies nobody sees. This year’s needless output: “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo. ^ Anti-Freeze: Just make the “You Can Do It!” guy movie already and get it over with. You know you want to.

26. Jenny McCarthy – Trying to pass herself off as the new Lucille Ball, the ex-Playboy playmate who farts and burps instead turned out to be the female equivalent of Pauly Shore when she came out with her own movie, Dirty Love, this year. Total box office gross? $58,116 in 44 theaters. Looks like people still love Lucy, not Jenny. ^ Anti-Freeze: “The Surreal Life.”

27. Orlando Bloom ^ How many chances does one guy get? He coasted on fanboy charity after Lord of the Rings, but was hopelessly outclassed by his fellow castmates in Troy and Kingdom of Heaven. It’s becoming increasingly apparent he just doesn’t have the goods to be a leading man. ^ Anti-Freeze: Go pick some fights, get a couple of scars, and grow some crow’s feet.

28. Michael Keaton ^ It is appropriate that he starred in January toss-away White Noise, which was about communicating with the dead. After all, Keaton’s career flatlined years ago, problem is no one told him. ^ Anti-Freeze: An adaptation of Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns. Keaton is almost old enough, he just needs those foam rubber muscles again.

29. Lauren Bacall – Not being a big fan of Tom Cruise, the 81-year-old star had this to say about the Scientologist-gone-wild in a Time Magazine interview: “When you talk about a great actor, you’re not talking about Tom Cruise.” She then went on to condemn the actor for his recent string of wild behavior in conjunction with promoting his movies by saying, “It’s inappropriate and vulgar and absolutely unacceptable to use your private life to sell anything commercially, but I think it’s kind of a sickness.” This, of course, was in conjunction with the release of her new autobiography, which describes Bacall’s illicit affair with the then-married Humphrey Bogart (who left his wife Mayo Methot for Bacall in 1945). ^ Anti-Freeze: Teach her how to whistle.

30. Samuel L. Jackson ^ Reprising his Agent Augustus Gibbons role in XxX: State of the Union and co-starring with Eugene Levy in The Man, arguably two of the worst movies of the year? What are you thinking? Is there some hidden codicil in his agent’s contract that says he has to accept every crappy movie that comes along? Or is he simply that undiscriminating and greedy? Neither looks very good, frankly. This bad mofo has gone to just being bad. ^ Anti-Freeze: Hell if we know, but “Snakes on a Plane” isn’t it.

Get the rest of the list in part five of FILM THREAT’S FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD 2005>>>




Posted on December 9, 2005 in Features by
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