FILM THREAT’S FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD 2005 (11-20)

11. Jane Fonda ^ After 15 years out of the spotlight, Fonda’s decision to stage a comeback proved the one-time Barbarella was well past her expiration date. Vietnam veterans may have spat at Fonda for her Hanoi Jane hijinks, but we’d offer a salivary salute for her emetic non-comedy Monster-in-Law. ^ Anti-Freeze: How about waiting another 15 years, Jane?

12. Sony Corp. ^ Net income down 47%, eh? We guess disappointing fare such as “Stealth,” The Cave, “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo,” The Fog, “Bewitched” and “Into the Blue” didn’t do much to help that situation. ^ Anti-Freeze: “Spider-Man 3.”

13. Paris Hilton ^ Never knew Paris Hilton was a comedian, did you? Neither did we. Not until audiences paid hard earned money to laugh her off the screen in House of Wax. ^ Anti-Freeze: More home porn! We’re tired of having to look at Rick Salomon’s penis.

14. Michael Bay ^ No longer the instant blockbuster-maker, Bay’s The Island was a colossal flop at the box office, bringing in a measly $12.1 million on its opening weekend. Even “Bewitched” earned $20.2 million when it opened earlier this summer. Friggin’ “BEWITCHED!” If any good came from this disaster it was watching Bay trying to sift through the wreckage to find out what went wrong. Publicly admitting his disappointment with the movie’s performance in various interviews, Bay has been quick to point fingers every which way, from marketing, to subject matter, even to the movie’s “lack of stars.” Consider Michael scratched off of a couple Christmas lists this year. ^ Anti-Freeze: Make sure that there truly is more than meets the eye with the Transformers movie.

15. Johnny Knoxville ^ As we predicted last year, The Dukes of Hazzard only confirmed our suspicions: Knoxville is great at taking a kick to the nuts, but couldn’t act his way out of a port-a-john. And rumors of a dalliance with Faustian pop diva Jessica Simpson only torpedoes his cred even further. ^ Anti-Freeze: Ain’t no shame in being a Jackass.

16. Oliver Stone ^ The Oscar-winning director was fined $100 earlier this year after pleading no contest to a drugs charge. In 1999, Stone also pleaded no contest to driving under the influence and guilty to cannabis possession in Beverly Hills – and he got three years probation for that. That just may explain Alexander – blame the cannabis! ^ Anti-Freeze: Maybe he should change his name to Oliver Stoned?

17. Hayden Christensen ^ Noooooooooooo! He still can’t act! What the hell did Lucas ever see in him? ^ Anti-Freeze: Get edgy and go indie, young man, go indie!

18. Ashton Kutcher ^ He promised to model underwear if “A Lot Like Love” opened at #1. It didn’t. Guess the threat of a semi-dressed Ashton is enough to keep people out of the theater. ^ Anti-Freeze: Don’t punk us, we’ll punk you.

19. Keira Knightley ^ It’s official: she can’t act. It was all well and good when she was playing supporting roles (Bend It Like Beckham) or appearing in ensemble pictures (Love, Actually), but if Domino taught us anything, it’s that she can’t carry a picture on her own. And she really needs to keep her shirt on. ^ Anti-Freeze: Take some acting classes and eat a goddamned pork chop.

20. Remakes ^ This year: “King Kong,” “The Producers,” “Pride and Prejudice,” “All the King’s Men,” The Fog, “Yours, Mine and Ours,” “Fun with Dick and Jane,” Assault on Precinct 13, Guess Who, The Amityville Horror, House of Wax, The Longest Yard, War of the Worlds, Dark Water, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Bad News Bears. Next year: “Pink Panther,” “Poseidon,” “Black Christmas,” “Charlotte’s Web,” “Day of the Dead,” “The Evil Dead,” “The Fly,” “Foxy Brown,” “The Hills Have Eyes,” “The Incredible Shrinking Man,” “Lady Chatterley,” “Logan’s Run,” “Oh, God!” “The Omen 666,” “Porky’s,” “Revenge of the Nerds,” “Rock ‘n’ Roll High School,” “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty,” “The Shaggy Dog,” “Swiss Family Robinson,” “The Warriors,” “When a Stranger Calls” … Stop! Enough, already! Since the dawn of film, every decade has had its own genuine flavor of cinematic output. Years down the line, when we look back at this decade, all we’re going to see is a vast wasteland of needless remakes, an awful mix of flavors that were never meant to be. The movie industry is suffering a major creative drought right now and there is no sign of improvement in sight. ^ Anti-Freeze: Just stop. It’s as easy as that.

Get the coldest of the cold in part four of FILM THREAT’S FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD 2005>>>




Posted on December 9, 2005 in Features by
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