FILM THREAT’S FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD 2005 (TOP 10)

1. Tom Cruise ^ It’s The Bozo the Scientologist Show! Do you recall Tom’s performance in War of the Worlds? Chances are, you don’t. Do you recall his love-mad-idiot-on-a-rampage performance on “Oprah?” Of course you do. As does the rest of the world. Steven Spielberg’s latest summer blockbuster was overshadowed by Tom’s publicly flaunted love life with Katie Holmes and his Scientologist fueled rantings and ravings that eventually led to a public war of words with Brooke Shields when he slammed the actress on “Access Hollywood” for her use of Paxil and psychiatric therapy to battle post-partum depression. This new Tom Cruise was no longer an untouchable movie star, but rather a man on a career-suicide mission. Need further proof? Tom has recently insisted on doing his own death defying stunts on “Mission: Impossible III.” Okay, maybe it’s just suicide. ^ Anti-Freeze: Don’t stop, Tom – life would be very, very boring without you!

2. Katie Holmes ^ Her lackluster performance as Rachel Dawes in Batman Begins led Warner Bros. to seek out a “much stronger actress” for Batman’s love interest in the upcoming sequel. Surely that earns a spot on the Frigid 50 alone, probably far down the list in the mid 30s or 40s, but the stench (as well as the seed) of Tom Cruise is so strong that it yanked her all the way up to number two and for that, we congratulate her. This drastic jump in ranking is probably her finest performance yet. ^ Anti-Freeze: Unless the Scientologists swing meaty roles her way, we see Katie growing pale in Tom’s shadow. Call Nicole Kidman for a heart to heart.

3. Brett Ratner ^ In the face of comic book fan fury, Rush Hour filmmaker Brett Ratner assures everyone that Brett Ratner is not Joel Schumacher. Brett Ratner claims that Brett Ratner is a comic book fan. Brett Ratner promises that Brett Ratner will make the best X-Men movie possible. Yeah, well, Brett Ratner, the none-too popular director who takes to talking about himself in the third person, can say all he wants about Brett Ratner, but we can all be pretty certain that the once promising X-Men movie franchise is now as useless as Professor Xavier’s legs. ^ Anti-Freeze: Make Wolverine refer to himself in the third person in “X3.”

4. Tom Sizemore ^ Jesus, man…get a hold of yourself: in and out of the courts, failed drug tests using a prosthetic penis, and a frankly embarrassing homemade porn film. And even with all that, Tom didn’t truly hit rock bottom until serial fellatrix Paris Hilton went out of her way to deny having sex with him. Man down! Someone send in Tom Hanks to save Private Sizemore. ^ Anti-Freeze: We hear that prosthetic urinating device, The Whizzinator, is looking for a spokesman.

5. Jennifer Lopez ^ The big-bottomed one proved yet again she has no gift for comedy with Monster-in-Law and she’s become such a commercial liability that she was conspicuously downplayed in the marketing for “An Unfinished Life.” Her attempts at “singing” with third hubbie Mark Anthony also hit sour notes. Is her time up? We hope so, because we’ve been holding the exit door for her long enough. ^ Anti-Freeze: Kiss and make up with Ben Affleck, then with Jennifer Garner. In fact, leave Ben out of this entirely and stick with Jennifer. Nothing says “career comeback” like girl-on-girl action.

6. Sylvester Stallone ^ He’s back, and certainly not by popular demand. Having flopped as the host of a reality TV program and unable to find a niche as a character actor, Stallone is dusting the cobwebs off Rocky Balboa and Rambo. Yes, very soon, audiences will thrill to the sight of a 60-year-old-man getting the stuffing beat out of him. Did we say thrill? We mean wince! ^ Anti-Freeze: The ambulance waiting at the top of the Philadelphia Museum of Art stairs to whisk the sexagenarian Stallone to intensive care.

7. Bill Cosby ^ His big screen “Fat Albert” went belly-up, sexual assault charges tarnished his family-friendly reputation, and his hectoring of the African-American community’s social concerns created more antagonism than action. How did this funny man become so unfunny so quickly? ^ Anti-Freeze: Just collect “Cosby Show” residual checks and stay quiet.

8. Russell Crowe ^ That unpolished Kiwi was back, earning a star on the Hollywood Perp Walk of Fame for throwing a telephone at a hotel concierge. Crowe claimed he did it out of anger when his hotel phone wasn’t working. Thank goodness his toilet wasn’t broken or you could imagine what he would’ve thrown. But Crowe seemed to spend more time in handcuffs than on screen, as witnessed by the ephemeral presence of Cinderella Man in theaters. ^ Anti-Freeze: Pound the spaghettios out of Stallone in “Rock VI” and all will be forgiven.

9. George Lucas ^ Now that Episode III has come and gone, what’s next, George? More Star Wars TV shows and video games? BORING. Lucas has more resources and power than any other filmmaker in the world to make whatever movies he wants, yet all he continues to do is tinker around with Star Wars and Indiana Jones. What a waste. ^ Anti-Freeze: Convince your buddy Steven that “Indy 4″ is a really, really bad idea. Yes, a hero you will be.

10. Watching Movies at the Theater ^ Stay at home with all of the latest entertainment hardware, media and bootlegs, or go out to a theater and put up with the drooling movie-going masses that get more annoying with each passing year. Yep, here come the bulldozers. ^ Anti-Freeze: Hand relief on demand in every movie theater across the country. It’s a “stroke” of genius.

The list continues in part three of FILM THREAT’S FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD 2005>>>




Posted on December 9, 2005 in Features by
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