2006. The year the Mayan calendar correctly refers to as The Year of Suck. How do I know this to be correct? Easy. I’m like Nostradamus without the Orson Welles narration. While under the influence of Tylenol 3 and “Nip/Tuck” I have these visions, and lately they’ve been centered around Hollywood. What, dear readers, do you think I see?
THE HOUSE OF X FALLS — Fans of the heroes known only as the X-Men will watch in horror as the celluloid version of their gods transforms into leper feces at the hands of an incompetent bard. The looming disaster will be so bad that the franchise of X will collapse, and the solo endeavors of its primaries will also suffer as the faithful flee the temple in angry droves.
THAT OF JACKSON IS AWARDED — The man whose past is drenched in gore will be honored again by an industry that seems only to care about clones of originality. This will make Mr. Jackson an even bigger name in the Land of Make Believe as his giant monster storms cities to the praise of their own people! Mr. Jackson will then tackle a remake about a titanic ship that sunk many decades ago. This will also sink Jackson’s riches.
TINSEL WILL BLEED — The magical kingdom known as Tinseltown will continue to run red from its pores as the once prospering empire is dealt blow after blow of bad output and public apathy. This slow, cancerous death will change the way everyone does business with the goliath. In the end, however, all we be fine as citizens finally get what they deserve.
NIETZSCHE’S OVER MAN IS INSUFFICIENT — A man originally of the House of X will bring forth his vision of a superman for all the world to see. This vision will prove to be unspectacular and remind millions that the only one who could really pull off a man who could fly spent his last days bound to the Earth by tragedy. It will be a painful reminder of what could have been and what should have been, and none will be satisfied.
A DOMINANT MONSTER WILL DIE BY ITS OWN HANDS — That which is known as Blockbuster will perish due to its horrendous business decisions. This once powerful leader in the lending industry will find that its profits have gone the way of its late fees, and as more studios refuse to interact with it, it will struggle to keep its stranglehold on the market.
A FALSE PROPHET SHALL STAND REVEALED — Perhaps the most startling event of the year 2006 shall be the unmasking of a prophet for all to see. The prophet Cruise lost many followers in 2005 by decrying science and taking a child lover. In 2006 the prophet shall continue to extol the virtues of his order and alienate even more followers, but what shall be his downfall will come later in the year when his child lover gives birth and prophet Cruise takes said child from the mother and moves to a far away land to raise the being under the wings of his order, which will worship the child as the First Angel of the Light.
These are my visions, people. Ignore them at your own peril. If you think 2005 was bad, just wait until this new year gets rolling. I know I can’t wait. And if I’m right about Cruise, remember that you read it here first.
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Posted on January 5, 2006 in Features by Doug Brunell
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