EXCESS HOLLYWOOD: SCARY MOVIE

The commercials for “The Hills Have Eyes” remake were all over the television, as were trailers for another horror film. This other film wasn’t a remake of a classic, but it looked a hell of a lot scarier than a flick about mutants running around in the desert.

“Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector.”

If that doesn’t send chills down the old spine, you didn’t read it correctly.

I don’t know much about this Larry character. I’ve seen parts of a cable special or two. I even laughed at one or two of his jokes. (Well, to be honest, it was probably one joke.) I also know there is some controversy about his redneck status. None of that matters, though. The guy is a force to be reckoned with, and it was only a matter of time before he got his own “real” movie.

(As an aside, can you imagine Larry’s groupies? I picture them to look a lot like the ladies you see hanging out at a twenty-four hour gas station buying a pack of Camel Lights and a six pack of Schlitz or its equivalent. [Do they even make Schlitz anymore?] They aren’t anything like, say, the groupies for Steven Wright. He attracts intellectual groupies. Say what you want about what they may look like, but intellectual women will always be sexier than Larry the Cable Guy groupies. Smart is sexy. Knowing how to hook up a propane tank is not.)

The movie looks like it appeals to his crowd, and the trailer also tries to appeal to black people by showing a black guy throwing Larry into some garbage after Larry tries his hand at “black” slang. I can’t speak for all of black America, but throwing Larry into garbage is probably not black America’s first choice of punishment for this guy.

The trailer also shows Larry in drag. It’s totally silly drag that no real female would ever wear except to a costume party. This scene is featured so it gets a laugh while at the same time letting Larry’s core audience know he hasn’t gone “fag.”

Still don’t think it’s scarier than “The Hills Have Eyes”? Here’s something to contemplate. I’m writing this first draft before the Larry film premieres. Between my edits and publication, the film will most likely have come out. It may do well at the box office, though Larry’s audience is not the type to really go to the movies since smoking in theatres has been banned. Therefore, I can’t really predict how well it will do there. I can say with a degree of certainty, however, that it will do awesome on DVD (or more appropriately, VHS).

That scares me. That means there will be a sequel … even if it is released direct to DVD (or again, VHS). A sequel! Larry’s fans are going to gobble this up like fried turkey. “Look! This movie’s got a sno-cone girl with no bra. Let’s git ‘r done!”

Terrifying.

I can’t stand people who take pride in being dumb. Larry the Cable Guy wears ignorance like a badge of honor, and the people who don’t see what’s wrong with that are the same ones who not only find him funny, but believe in the often racist things he says. Case in point, a Larry fan once told me he thought Asians were destined to be the butt of jokes because their eyes were “squinty and funny.” I kid you not. Squinty and funny. That’s Larry’s audience.

“Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector” is a horror movie in every sense of the word. In a time when Hollywood seems intent upon making remake after remake, it’s amazing to see the powers that be take a chance on something like this. After all, they could’ve remade “The Stuff” or even “Silent Night Deadly Night.” Instead, it’s Larry the Cable Guy in a movie that should have been rated NC-17 for content and tone. If you know of a scarier movie coming out this year, let me know. I’m all about the horror … even if it is some vocabulary impaired redneck who makes more money than all his fans combined.

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Posted on April 6, 2006 in Features by
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