11. The Movie Theater Experience
Going to the movies isn’t the pleasure it once was, when cell phones weren’t so pervasive, when parents knew how to discipline their children in public and when a ticket along with parking and refreshments didn’t cost more than your monthly rent. Now you can buy three DVDs for the cost of one evening at the movies. (Check out Gore’s blog for a piece addressing this earlier this year.) Couple this with the availability of high-quality home theater solutions, and you have no reason to wander out of your home to catch a flick.
Anti-Freeze: Have ushers carry around spike-studded billyclubs so they’re ready when a cell phone goes off or a child gets unruly, provide noise-canceling headphones with the same surround sound experience and lower the damn ticket prices already. Or, you know, Smell-O-Vision.
12. Scarlett Johansson
Despite being a unique talent in Hollywood (boobs) with a distinctive voice (cleavage) and a strong work ethic (knockers), Scarlett can’t seem to find herself in any huge tits. We mean hits. The biggest hit of her career (breasts) came in a film where she barely said anything and opened with a title sequence on her pink-pantied bottom.
Anti-Freeze: A Playboy spread – then we can finally stop fantasizing about her chest.
13. Internet Hype
Internet hype can finally be exposed as the film industry equivalent of astrology. All the internet hype in the world delivered “Snakes on a Plane” up as a dud. “Borat” performed above expectations, but the inability to trust the internet buzz led to Fox cutting the film down to 800 screens opening weekend. So what value does internet hype and viral marketing really have?
Anti-Freeze: How about a direct correlation between an overly successful internet hype campaign and a successful box office for starters… and no, you can’t say “The Blair Witch Project.”
14. Samuel L. Jackson
Speaking of “Snakes on a Plane,” you stated, “You either want to see that film, or you don’t.” Bad news, Sammy…
Anti-Freeze: Show that bad-ass stare, whisper something poetic and then fly into a profanity-laced rage.
15. M. Night Shyamalan
Hey, your career is over. Is that the twist?
Anti-Freeze: Eat some cheesesteaks, run the Art Museum steps and start preparing for the comeback like every good Philly underdog.
16. Haley Joel Osment
I see DUI arrest. At least no one was hurt, but Haley, buddy, Brad Renfro’s life, as exciting as it may seem, is not the one to emulate.
Anti-Freeze: Find that Lipnicki kid and join forces to oust Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller from the buddy comedy upper-echelon.
17. Sharon Stone
After landing on Film Threat’s 2004 Frigid 50, it was suggested that she show her bush again, and all would be forgiven. Unfortunately, she took the advice to heart and made “Basic Instinct 2,” proving that we here at Film Threat can be very, very wrong.
Anti-Freeze: Whatever we put here will only encourage you to try it, so in true double-dare fashion we think you should push for an Allan Quatermain revival.
18. Women Over 40
It’s unfair that most female actors who find themselves above 40 seem to fall by the wayside (unless they’re British). But let’s face it, Hollywood is an industry built on youth. Check the statistics: the most popular age to be as a female is 15 on a webcam in your bedroom. Yes, even we think it’s creepy.
Anti-Freeze: Let yourself age gracefully, none of that “stapled forehead to the back of the neck, Botox injected lip-pillows, hair-colored to neon disaster” nonsense. If people get to see what 40+ year old ladies actually look like once in a while, they might get used to it.
19. George Lucas
Criticizing you went from fashionable to boring, so consider this your last licks from the Threat: You destroyed a legacy with the prequel films, you’re continually the wrench in the works whenever “Indiana Jones 4” is mentioned and you’ve shown nothing of these animated and live action “Star Wars” TV shows you’ve been yakking about for over a year.
Anti-Freeze: Release the original, unaltered trilogy on… oh, right, you did. Face it, George, you’re screwed. How about these three numbers – Episodes 7, 8 and 9.
20. Indiana Jones 4
Wait for it… wait for it… at this moment someone from an “esteemed” entertainment source is planning to release a rumor and/or statement from someone involved in the mythical Indiana Jones sequel that maybe they’ll kind of, sort of, may, consider, considering, thinking about beginning the filming for the third sequel. Unless you can really freeze Harrison Ford in carbonite, time’s running out.
Anti-Freeze: Just film it, or else we’re jumping ship for Sharon Stone’s Allen Quartermain revival.
The list continues in part four of FILM THREAT’S FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD 2006>>>
Posted on November 18, 2006 in Features by Film Threat Staff
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- INDIANA JONES AND THE IMPOSSIBLE SEQUEL
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