FILM THREAT’S FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD 2006 (21-30)

21. Madonna
When did it become fashionable to adopt children from other countries? Is there an orphan shortage in the US? Is this like orphan Pokemon, got to adopt them all? Yay! I got a Malawi, they can shoot fire!
Anti-Freeze: Stop stealing publicity stunts from Angelina Jolie.

22. Uwe Boll
Yes, Uwe, you proved you’re a better boxer than those that criticize your films. Your Dad can beat up our Dad, now here’s our lunch money, see you after school.
Anti-Freeze: It doesn’t matter. There’s no stopping him, and he just gave us a wedgie for even thinking about it.

23. Remakes
In the last five months alone, over sixty remakes of classic foreign films, Bollywood musicals, German thrillers, Russian horror films, Japanese horror films, Afghani epics and American classics have been green lit by the Weinstein’s, Platinum Dunes, and Nu Image. Currently on tap include remakes of “The Birds,” “Day of the Dead,” “Hellraiser,” “The Invisible,” “13 (Tzameti)” and so many more. It’s like there’s a magic movie Xerox machine running Hollywood.
Anti-Freeze: An original idea. If there are as many screenwriters out there as there are rumored to be (huddled in screenwriter shanty-towns outside of Starbucks), then there’s bound to be more than one original idea. Right?

24. George A. Romero
You were supposed to remind the world how zombie films were really made with “Land of the Dead,” but the end result was less than inspiring.
Anti-Freeze: Re-title your latest zombie attempt “The Red Shoe Diaries of the Dead” and really throw the world for a loop.

25. Sarah Michelle Gellar
You’re currently stuck in horror-maiden territory (“The Grudge,” “The Return”). Check under your kitchen table for a creepy kid, because the real “grudge” may be your career.
Anti-Freeze: What number is Joss Whedon on your speed dial?

26. Summer Movies
The 2006 Summer movie season was an exercise in wasted potential and lowered expectations. Almost every blockbuster came and went with a whimper, whether it was a “Last Stand,” a “Return” or a “Da Vinci Code.” Only “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest” held court as summer blockbusters are supposed to, and that came with less than a month left in the summer.
Anti-Freeze: Re-vive the drive-in. It doesn’t matter if the blockbuster season is weak when you’re watching three films for $8 while tailgating with friends.

27. Bryan Singer
You left the “X-Men” franchise to collapse under the weight of its own failed expectations (and Brett Ratner), and you brought a “Superman” film to the multiplexes that re-imagined the Man of Steel as a peeping Tom obsessed with Lois Lane (and little else). Whatever comic book credibility you had disappeared the second Lex Luthor threw the first crystal into the water.
Anti-Freeze: Quit the “Superman” franchise too, show you’re nothing if not randomly insubordinate.

28. Brandon Routh
Look, up there in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s – a flash in the pan? The new Superman didn’t quite leap the A-list in a single bound. The lack of public enthusiasm for Routh might suggest the Curse of the Red Cape struck a bit early in his career.
Anti-Freeze: Show an emotion. Smile, frown, something so we know that you’re real.

29. Jessica Simpson
Wow, a blonde with big breasts playing a blonde ditz in “That 70’s Show,” a blonde ditz in “The Dukes of Hazzard,” and a blonde ditz in “Employee of the Month.” Her next rumored role? Starring as a blonde ditz in a film entitled “Blonde Ambition.”
Anti-Freeze: Who’re we kidding, if you’re in a swimsuit or short-shorts, we’re there. But you do have Vulcan-looking ears, so perhaps you should try for the part of Yeoman Rand in the re-invented “Star Trek” franchise.

30. Dane Cook
You’ve sold millions of comedy CDs, you’ve got an HBO special where you packed a sports arena and you’ve created your own addition to sign language (SuFi), but “Employee of the Month” wasn’t very hot, my friend. Some stand-up comedians should just be stand-up comedians.
Anti-Freeze: Harness the energy of your MySpace fans and plan the ultimate bank heist. Remember to bring the monkey.

The list continues in part five of FILM THREAT’S FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD 2006>>>




Posted on November 18, 2006 in Features by
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