41. Denise Richards
Camera-shy Denise paused during the shooting of “Blonde and Blonder” in a Vancouver suburb to hurl a laptop at some annoying paparazzi. Unfortunately she missed her target and an unsuspecting elderly woman in a wheelchair wound up getting hit instead.
Anti-Freeze: You hit an old lady in a wheelchair! The only way to spin that into a positive is to prove the old lady was Charlie Sheen.
42. Jack Black
Answering the question, “How long can one man stretch out a particular gag?” is Jack Black. Granted, “Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny” looks great, and maybe Jared Hess is more to blame for the lack of laughs in “Nacho Libre,” but we’re not in the business of cutting people slack. Put your shirt on.
Anti-Freeze: What did we just say?
43. Drew Barrymore
You weren’t around in 2006, and that has everyone worried. Consider this designation more of a life-raft. Respond to this, let us know you’re okay.
Anti-Freeze: Make a movie, let people know you’re alive, anything.
44. Printed Magazines
Print is dead. Remember when people used to read stories printed on something called paper made from ground up trees? Nowadays it’s all about RSS feeds and bloggers.
Anti-Freeze: Keep giving away perfume samples; that seems to be the only thing you can’t get for free on the internet.
45. Jodie Foster
Remember when Jodie Foster used to win Academy Awards for deep, complex performances? That was before she tried to reinvent herself into a gonad-kicking tough broad with action-heavy flicks like “Panic Room,” “Flightplan” and “Inside Man.” We miss the old Jodie, the one who could sleep with a priest in “Contact” and make it seem okay.
Anti-Freeze: Stay the action route, but consider “Taxi Driver 2.” Travis has been kidnapped by a drug dealer and only a grown up Iris can save him.
46. Brian De Palma
It’s too bad Hitchcock never made a film about the Black Dahlia Murders, because then De Palma could have taken from it and made a good film. And now an “Untouchables” prequel?
Anti-Freeze: If you’ve got to re-visit you past, try restoring the “Mission Impossible” franchise to a more cerebral level. Save yourself and Tom Cruise.
47. Nicolas Cage
When you find yourself in a bear suit karate-kicking women who worship bees, it’s time to sit down with your agent and re-think your career.
Anti-Freeze: Make your own Superman movie. We know you want to, you even named your kid Kal-El.
48. Mark Ruffalo
When he plays to his strengths, he’s rocking “You Can Count on Me;” otherwise it feels like every performance is a variation on “I Walked with a Zombie.” You’ve got greatness in you, Mark. Don’t sedate it.
Anti-Freeze: Get cast in a remake of “I Walked with a Zombie.”
49. Patrick Swayze
The 50-year-old dirty dancer emerged from obscurity for unsolicited support on Mel Gibson’s booze-and-Jews rant. Swayze was the rare Hollywood “name” to defend Mad Mel, blandly stating: “I feel really bad for Mel. People say stupid things when they happen to have a few…hands deserved to be slapped if you do something stupid, but don’t take it too far.” He then proceeded to say something about backing Baby in a corner and started making a clay pot.
Anti-Freeze: Convince your brother Don to go on “Dancing with the Stars” as your partner, and turn the world on its ear.
50. Paul Giamatti
It’s not your fault. Nobody could predict that “The Hawk Is Dying” would be such ponderous crap, or that “Lady in the Water” would be a disaster of “Heaven’s Gate”-Cimino-esque proportions…okay, so maybe some of us could. Nevertheless, you’re better than that. Consider this your written warning.
Anti-Freeze: You’ve earned the right to be selective about your roles. So select better already.
51. Colin Farrell
It’s been two years since his penis made the Frigid 50, and it looks like he finally followed his prodigious member into the room. Colin joins the Frigid this year as the question remains: how does he do it? He makes bomb (“The Recruit”) after bomb (“S.W.A.T.”) after bomb (“The New World”) after bomb (“Alexander”), yet he still commands big salaries and media attention.
Anti-Freeze: Call Spielberg up. You may’ve played second fiddle to Tom Cruise in the past (“Minority Report”), but chances are that won’t happen this time around.
Yeah, so we have 51, it was a good, er bad year.
Brought to you by the Film Threat staff with contributions from Steve Anderson, Rory L. Aronsky, Mark Bell, Stina Chyn, KJ Doughton, Michael Ferraro, Sally Foster, Chris Gore, Zachary Haddad, Phil Hall, Felix Vasquez Jr., Pete Vonder Haar and sources who prefer to remain anonymous.
Posted on November 18, 2006 in Features by Film Threat Staff
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