FILM THREAT’S FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD 2007 (11-20)

11. Star Wars
The Frigid 50 has gone after an apathetic George Lucas so often it’s become a wasted affair. Now all that is left to do is to officially announce the death of the “Star Wars” franchise so that we may all finish our mourning and move on with our lives. TV shows, animated or otherwise, will not be enough to soothe our souls.
Anti-Freeze: Episodes 7, 8 and 9, starring the original cast and featuring a collaboration between Lucas and other talented writers and filmmakers… just like the old days.

12. Jessica Alba/Biel
After demonstrating complete ineptitude as either action stars (“Rise of the Silver Surfer,” “Next”) or comediennes (“Good Luck Chuck,” “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry”), it’s become painfully obvious the only thing either of these “Jessicas” bring to the table is a nice ass, and at 26/25 years of age respectively, they’ve got maybe three more years before one of the thousands of wannabe starlets nipping at their heels finally catches up in that category.
Anti-Freeze: Enjoy it while they can. It’ll be five years tops before both of them are giving interviews to Self about how they lost all that baby weight.

13. Bruce Campbell
Bruce Campbell, B-movie hero to millions, is now hawking Old Spice. Is this what everyone who watched Roger Staubach shill for Rolaids or Muhammad Ali pitch Roach Motels felt? That chill in the air has nothing to do with a horde of cameos, bit parts, and voice acting—that chill is Bruce Campbell, coasting on a frozen career.
Anti-Freeze: No cameos, no bit parts, no voice acting, no piss-poor “My Name is Bruce.” No video games. No television. He needs to get his metal hand back on and do “Evil Dead 4″ already.

14. Billy Bob Thornton
He avoided it with “Sling Blade,” but was sadly pigeonholed with “Bad Santa” (it is funny, but it’s where the trend began): he’s now the mean man with a heart who screams and swears at children. Wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t all he seemed capable of doing anymore.
Anti-Freeze: Try a role without kids, screaming or swearing.

15. Ben Stiller
With “The Heartbreak Kid,” its déjà vu all over again: Stiller plays another dumb schmuck who gets utterly humiliated for two hours before receiving belated happiness at the closing credits. Been there, done that, and we’re not alone in getting bored of the repetition. Moviegoers, as witnessed by the film’s weak opening (the kiddie film “The Game Plan” starring The Rock, of all people, slapped Stiller away from opening at #1), aren’t that impressed anymore either.
Anti-Freeze: Maybe it’s time to try something different – like doing a dramatic part (remember “Permanent Midnight”)? Or maybe trying a comedy that’s actually funny?

16. Eddie Murphy
Remember in “Raw” when Murphy called Bill Cosby a “Jell-O pudding eating motherfucker?” Yeah, that was 1987. Remember what Murphy did this year? He played – for the third time – a sidekick character called “Donkey” that would make Stepin Fetchit join the Nation of Islam. He donned a fat-suit – for the umpteenth time – in “Norbit,” a movie that cemented America’s status as the dumbest country in the world by earning $34 million its opening weekend. And he impregnated the ugly Spice Girl.
Anti-Freeze: Set fire to himself freebasing. It worked for Richard Pryor.

17. Nicolas Cage
Why does Best Supporting Actor award winner Cuba Gooding, Jr. get so much shit for his post-Academy Award career when Best Actor Cage is allowed to skate by with the likes of “Ghost Rider” and “Next”? Why isn’t Uncle Francis chiding him for the same laziness as Pacino and Nicholson?
Anti-Freeze: Quit working with the likes of Mark Steve Johnson and beg David Lynch or the Coens to put him in another one of their movies.

18. Lucy Liu
Seriously, “Code Name: The Cleaner”? “Rise: Blood Hunter”? Here’s a question in a format she might recognize – What The: Fuck is Wrong With You?
Anti-Freeze: Aren’t there any SSX: Tricky video game sequels she could be doing voice work for?

19. Pamela Anderson Lee Rock Solomon
Tempus fugit, sweetheart. It’s now been almost two decades since her first Playboy appearance, and the years have not been kind. And while the mammaries that made her a household name from Berlin to Boise are – unsurprisingly – still as firm as ever, her career is sagging to its knees. Obviously an attempt at “serious” acting is out of the question, but surely there are better publicity stunts than marrying the one man conclusively proven to be stupid enough to fuck Paris Hilton.
Anti-Freeze: Fuck Paris Hilton.

20. Perez Hilton
It was slightly funny when Perez was posting gossip and embarrassing paparazzi pics of D-List celebrities, but now that Perez is a D-List celebrity himself his site has lost all its outsider credibility. Plus, beyond being cruel with his clever words, what does Perez Hilton contribute? Pics and stories are (allegedly) borrowed and aggregated from other websites… this isn’t content, it’s commentary.
Anti-Freeze: Hilton is welcome to go back to being a snarky outsider burning Hollywood egos down one by one, but as a snarky celebrity pretending that he’s not being co-opted… it’s just disingenuous and sad.

The list continues in part four of FILM THREAT’S FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD 2007>>>




Posted on November 20, 2007 in Features by
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