FILM THREAT’S FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD 2007 (31-40)

31. Elisha Cuthbert
Cuthbert has been in bomb after bomb, can’t act to save her life and yet can still get work. When will she and Jessica Alba team up and compare notes?
Anti-Freeze: Praise the gods of heredity that she’s still gorgeous.

32. Steve Carell
Carell is the star of the single biggest money-losing comedy flop in motion picture history (“Evan Almighty”). ‘Nuff said.
Anti-Freeze: Just stick to television. “The Daily Show” and “The Office” are always kind.

33. Mickey Rourke
It took a recent DUI charge for anyone to remember that he was even still alive.
Anti-Freeze: Try not to break any more laws and fade back into obscurity so the world can go back to their “ignorance of Mickey Rourke’s mortality” status.

34. Daryl Hannah
One minute she’s the baddest she-villain in a Tarantino film, the next she’s arrested for chaining herself to a walnut tree during a protest. Somehow, when the “Splash” star’s career resurfaced, no one predicted she’d go activist-crazy.
Anti-Freeze: A “Kill Bill” prequel where her Elle Driver character saves a bunch of farmers from being evicted by their new landowner, culminating in a nasty swordfight in a walnut tree grove.

35. Francis Ford Coppola
The director of “The Godfather” trilogy and “Apocalypse Now” recently called out actors Al Pacino, Jack Nicholson, and Robert De Niro for allowing themselves to get fat and lazy making movies like “Analyze That” and “Anger Management.” It’s a legitimate complaint, and far be it from us to defend the likes of Pacino’s “S1m0ne” or De Niro’s “Shark Tale,” but let he who is without cinematic sin cast the first stone. Coppola’s directorial credits for the last 15 years include “Dracula” – which earns the dubious honor of being Keanu Reeve’s worst movie; “Jack” – yet another Robin Williams life affirmation crapfest; and “Supernova” – a movie that did the impossible and made a sex scene with Angela Bassett boring.
Anti-Freeze:We’re sure if you just asked nicely, Pacino and De Niro would appear in a fourth “Godfather” movie, whether it makes sense or not.

36. Cedric the Entertainer
Fat, unfunny, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.
Anti-Freeze: More supporting roles a la “Talk to Me.” And keep dancing in those beer commercials, ’cause that never gets old.

37. Beyoncé Knowles
The bootylicious one took what should’ve been the role of the lifetime in “Dreamgirls” and gave an insipid performance that probably cost the film a Best Picture Oscar nomination. Knowles, unable to differentiate between the behavior of a diva and brat, then snidely insulted her co-star Jennifer Hudson by claiming she would’ve had Hudson’s Oscar-winning role if she was 15 pounds heavier.
Anti-Freeze: Lose 15 pounds around your rump and learn to act.

38. Vince Vaughn
“The Break-Up” was the only warning shot, and then Vaughn went from being the guy’s guy everyone loved in “Old School,” “Swingers” and “Wedding Crashers” to being “Fred Claus.” That’s not money. That’s not money AT ALL.
Anti-Freeze: Stay away from the family films or the high-profile romance comedies and stick with the raunchy humor… call Judd Apatow.

39. Jeff Goldblum
The ex-Fly called in his lawyers to swat away one Linda Ransom, a 44-year-old who’s allegedly been stalking him for years. Last March, an L.A. Superior Court judge ordered Ransom to stay at least 100 yards away from Goldblum – which is ironic, since few casting agents would bother touching him with the proverbial ten-foot pole!
Anti-Freeze: “The Fly Grows Old”?

40. Joe Carnahan
“Smokin’ Aces” did respectable box office, but while losing both George Clooney and Chris Pine from “White Jazz” has pushed Carnahan’s Pablo Escobar biopic “Killing Pablo” to the top of the production list, it doesn’t take away the pain that Clooney bowed out primarily to do the expected awards circuit for “Michael Clayton,” and Pine opted out for J.J. Abrams’ “Star Trek” prequel. It’s a sad state of affairs when Star Trek takes precedence over James Ellroy, but that’s Hollywood.
Anti-Freeze: Just get it over with and sign Adrian Grenier or Tony Clifton for “Pablo.”

The list continues in part six of FILM THREAT’S FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD 2007>>>




Posted on November 20, 2007 in Features by
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