Okay, so Entertainment Weekly has delivered their meaningless Power 101 list. Who cares? The only people who really care about those kinds of lists are the people on them. We all know it’s bullshit. So, we present our own BS list! It’s time to bring back our list of [Film Threat’s FRIGID 50: The Coldest People in Hollywood.]
[ 1. ROBIN WILLIAMS ] ^ His schmaltzy movies are simply cringe-inducing. In fact, what’s a stronger term than “cringe-inducing”? Stomach-churning? Vomit-inducing? Puke-A-Rific?! How about the names of the guilty movies for a start? Patch Adams? Jakob the Liar? Bicentennial Man? What next? Liberace?
[ 2. JOHN TRAVOLTA ] ^ He’s actually talking about a sequel to “Battlefield Earth”? How far can his delusion go?
[ 3. KIM BASINGER ] ^ Okay, you won the Oscar…now why are you paddling back in B Movies like “Bless the Child”?
[ 4. FREDDIE PRINZE, JR. ] ^ We just can’t stand him. Your 15 minutes are up riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight now!
[ 5. WHOOPI GOLDBERG ] ^ This Oscar-winning actress is now slumming in game shows. Um, so what happened to your film career?
[ 6. CHEVY CHASE ] ^ The one actor whose presence in a movie guarantees disaster and lack of quality. A movie starring Carrot Top or Pauly Shore has a better shot.
[ 7. THE F-WORD ] ^ There once was a day when the F-word actually meant something. After decades of use in the movies it’s lost so much of its shock value that now the general public doesn’t really give a fuck.
[ 8. THE MPAA RATING SYSTEM ] ^ Boy that NC-17 never really seemed to have caught on. “Requiem for a Dream” was released unrated to avoid it, though it’s the strongest and most honest anti-drug movie to come out, maybe ever. Several uses of the F-word elevated what should have been the PG-rated “Billy Elliot into the same R-category as the penis-impaling “Scary Movie”. Somebody needs to go into the dinosaur park and find Jack Valenti to tell him that since the Johnson administration (Andrew or Lyndon) that America might need something a little more specific.
[ 9. THE STAR WARS SERIES ] ^ Basement-dwelling nerds around the world wanted a sequel in the worst way. Well, they got one.
[ 10. THE BLAIR WITCH FRANCHISE ] ^ Do you smell something awful? That horrible stench? It’s something dead! Yep, any hope of a Blair Witch movie franchise is out the window. Sell that stuff on eBay fast, it’ll be worthless in two weeks.
[ 11. KENNETH BRANAGH ] ^ I don’t know who you think you’re channeling, but it ain’t Olivier. The fact is that films based on William Shakespeare plays make half as much money as Pauly Shore movies. Give it up.
[ 12. HENRY JAGLOM ] ^ If they awarded a Lifetime Achievement Oscar for home movies, he’d snag it. Otherwise, home movies don’t make for enjoyable feature films.
[ 13. JAR JAR BINKS ] ^ Aside from the hundreds of Jar Jar “hate” sites, he has been singled out as the primary reason “The Phantom Menace” blew. We’re hoping to see less of him in Star Wars Episode II.
[ 14. JAKE LLOYD ] ^ Oh, Annie! Fact is that Jar Jar was NOT the most annoying part of Episode I, it was the cutesy performance of the future Adolf Hitler of the galaxy, li’l Darth Vader. Well, at least he won’t be in “Star Wars Episode II.” Yippee!
GET THE REST OF THE LIST>>>
Posted on October 24, 2000 in Features by Film Threat Staff
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- THE FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD
- “THE DEPARTED” TWO NEWS
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