FILM THREAT’S FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD 2008 (31-40)

31. Helena Bonham Carter
Just because she ended up marrying a director (Tim Burton), doesn’t mean she can’t star in movies her husband didn’t direct. She’s an Oscar-nominated actor, yet her career seems mired in her marriage.
Anti-Freeze: Hand over the Burton muse title to Christina Ricci to save her career, and then steal the period piece mantle back from Kiera Knightly. Or make “Fight Club 2.”

32. George Clooney
“Leatherheads” and “Burn After Reading” were both less than impressive, critically and financially, and while we applaud his careful selection of parts (are you paying attention, John Cusack?), such a forced attempt to remain iconoclastic can only have negative ramifications for his drawing power.
Anti-Freeze: Just do the goddamn “Facts of Life” reunion already. We’ve earned it.

33. Cameron Diaz
Everyone remembers her big screen entrance as the rain-soaked Tina Carlyle in “The Mask” (if you don’t, you’re either female or…you don’t like movies). But after a few early career high points (“There’s Something About Mary,” we’re looking at you), Diaz has remained content in recent years to phone in “Shrek” performances, get photographed while surfing and make movies with Ashton Kutcher.
Anti-Freeze: Make a movie with Ken Russell so we can find out if you actually do have any real acting talent.

34. Angst-Ridden Vampires
It never ends. Here we are, ten years after “Buffy” debuted on TV and almost 30 since Anne Rice turned our beloved bloodsucking fiends into whiny little bitches, and we’re still dealing with more of the same. HBO has the Southern Gothic “True Blood” while movie audiences tremble in anticipation of the first Mormon nosferatu in “Twilight.” Meanwhile, those few efforts that somehow tackle the issue of humanity-tinged vampirism without getting sappy (“Let the Right One In”) are relegated to the comparative undeath of limited release.
Anti-Freeze: Time for another sequel to “John Carpenter’s Vampires,” with Angel and Edward Cullen making brief – but memorable – guest appearances.

35. Joan Allen
Really, anybody who had anything to do with “Death Race” deserves to be on the list. Allen on list particularly because – unlike Jason Statham and Tyrese Gibson – she’s been nominated for an Oscar three times and SHOULD KNOW BETTER. We understand the economy is not at its best, so she can be forgiven for going for the quick buck, but still… “Death Race”!?!
Anti-Freeze: Don’t… don’t let it happen again.

36. Russell Crowe
Suuure he didn’t want Hugh Jackman’s role opposite Nicole Kidman in “Australia.” Are we really supposed to believe he was willing to relinquish the Down Under Hunk title so readily, even as he takes frumpy roles in Ridley Scott’s latest misfire?
Anti-Freeze: After “A Good Year,” “Body of Lies,” maybe it’s time he and Ridley Scott took a vacation from making movies together, though now we’ll have to wait until after “Nottingham.”

37. Hayden Christensen
Hang it up, bro. His critically praised role in 2003’s “Shattered Glass” was apparently an Ibogane-induced mass hallucination, as nothing he’s done since has prompted any reaction outside of nausea. And if “Jumper” wasn’t bad enough, how humiliating was it that the guy who replaced him for “The Clone Wars” made Anakin more believable as a cartoon than he managed in a whopping three live-action movies?
Anti-Freeze: Is anyone making a David Manning biopic?

38. Jodie Foster
Parenthood makes you stupid. More than that, it makes you afraid, with the result in Hollywood that you take the safe route in acting roles. Julia roberts knows this, and so does Foster, who has forsaken her older interesting fare like “The Silence of the Lambs” and “Shadows and Fog” for “mommy” roles in “Panic Room,” “Flightplan,” and “Nim’s Island.”
Anti-Freeze: She’s one of the best actors of our generation. Act like it. Trust us, her kids will be cool with it.

39. Simon Pegg
Pegg has fallen from grace, transferring from genre classics like “Spaced” and “Shaun of the Dead” to ”Run Fatboy Run” and… whatever that other movie was that he just made that nobody went to see. And next up will be his no-doubt barn burner of a performance as comic relief in “Star Trek.” Maybe next he can play Muffit the daggit in a new “Battlestar Galactica” episode.
Anti-Freeze: Tattoo Edgar Wright’s phone number on his forehead, handcuff himself to Nick Frost and refuse to work with anyone else.

40. Meg Ryan
She followed her frightening full frontal in “In the Cut” with some ghoulish plastic surgery, and now the close-up is no longer her friend. It hurts to say it, but out of all the other stars of “The Women” (and that group included Cloris Leachmen, Bette Midler and Carrie Fisher), Meg Ryan was the scariest-looking and she used to be a reference pic next to the word “cute” when you looked it up in the dictionary.
Anti-Freeze: If they can’t fix Michael Jackson, they can’t fix Meg Ryan so instead she should just go away so we can remember her when.

The list concludes in part six of FILM THREAT’S FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD 2008>>>




Posted on November 18, 2008 in Features by
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