THE FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD

Okay, so both “Entertainment Weekly” and “Premiere” magazines have delivered their meaningless “power” lists. Who cares? The only people who really care about those kinds of lists are the people on them. We all know those lists are bullshit. So, we’d like to present our own BS list! It’s time to bring back our list of Film Threat’s FRIGID 50: The Coldest People in Hollywood.
1. FREDDIE PRINZE, JR. ^ Three words that will make us run from the theater: Freddie Prinze, Jr. Like many of you, we’re puzzled as to why this “actor,” who seems capable of only one expression, has a career at all? How could films like She’s All That, Wing Commander and Summer Catch be successful? Oh, yeah. We forgot. Teenage girls. The only thing that will defeat this cinematic scourge will be time. When this Prinze-obssessed generation of teenage girls mature and go to college where they’ll meet real boys, perhaps he’ll go away forever and spare us the one-dimensional performances.
2. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER ^ The Uber Governor? California collectively shat itself at the thought. All that crazy talk scared them into actually THINKING about politics. No one is making eye contact with the Austrian ladies man for fear of him wanting to kiss their babies. His accent has been so thick in recent movies, he could have benefitted from the use of sub-titles. Moviegoing audiences had lost their appetite for action films like The 6th Day and End of Days before September 11th and they’re even less interested in those one-liners in action films now.
3. MICHæL BAY ^ The stinkbomb called Pearl Harbor made it official: Michæl Bay is the very essence of all that evil in Hollywood, a vicious baseball-capped humanoid cloaked in Satan’s anal vapors. But even the Devil himself couldn’t force Pearl Harbor to a $200 million gross - Bwaha-ha-ha-hah!!!
4. ANGELINA JOLIE ^ She’s sssexy. She’s sssultry. And her movies. . .sssuck. Between Tomb Raider and Original Sin, her track record is dipping below .500. Get back to Girl, Interrupted please Angelina. At least she’s still hot.
5. JACK VALENTI ^ From his days as a flak for LBJ so oily that even the other flacks didn’t trust him, to his unflagging defense of the ever-pathetic rating system, this guy has always given unctuousness a bad name. After fighting the NC-17 rating tooth and nail, he aided and abetted its death at the hands of Blockbuster and NATO (National Association of Theater Owners, not that other NATO) when they cravenly choose to equate the rating with pornography. Now, he poo-poos the notion of an “Adult” rating while being an apologist for a system that gives the same rating to both Billy Elliot and Hannibal. How does Jack justify this? We don’t know, but we propose the following experiment: Say the “F” word to Jack in a cockney accent. See how he does. Then, eat his brains.
6. MIRAMAX ^ For shelving O for two years for fear of inciting controversy, then shucking it over to Lion’s Gate who released it to absolutely no controversy whatsoever. Does anyone know what became of the Miramax that once released “Priest” and “The Crying Game” and Pulp Fiction? They’ve become a sad shell of a once great studio who stood by its guns. Kevin Smith hit the nail on the head with his jabs at Miramax in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.
7. JOHN TRAVOLTA ^ Who? What? Where? A year later we still have not forgiven Barbarino for Battlefield Earth. Hopefully L. Ron has. Come to think of it, we haven’t forgiven him for movies like Primary Colors, The General’s Daughter, Lucky Numbers or Swordfish either.
8. TOM GREEN ^ Sorry, too easy. Mr. Barrymore quickly has become the next generation Pauly Shore thanks to Freddy Got Fingered. Strange to think that he was once thought of as “funny.” Don’t confuse “comedy” with simply being an “annoyance.” Thankfully, his 15 minutes are up just about… nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnow!
9. EDWARD BURNS ^ Shemp-haired actor/director who is better known for his glamorous girlfriends than his own flyweight screen appearances and increasingly one-note attempts at filmmaking.
10. JODIE FOSTER ^ Passed on reprising her Oscar-winning Clarice character for Hannibal and gave Julianne Moore the box-office hit, then dissed the organizers of the Cannes Film Festival in favor of directing a flick that is still not made. How does she make career choices, by flipping a double-headed coin?
Get the rest of the list in THE FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD (11-19)>>>




Posted on December 24, 2001 in Features by
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