THE FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD (11-19)

11. THE LIGHTHEARTED ACTION MOVIE ^ We think it’s safe to say that Bruce Willis, et al, won’t be offing terrorists and making bad puns in any new films for just a little bit. Sort of the same reason there weren’t a lot of hilarious jokes about the Blitz during WWII. Jackie Chan was actually supposed to shoot one of these lighthearted violent films at the World Trade Center on the day of the attack and his since canned the film. Jackie may have broken every bone in his body at one time or another, but he’s no fool!
12. THE STEREOTYPICAL ARAB TERRORIST IN THE LIGHTHEARTED ACTION MOVIE ^ An actual act of terrorism by extremists from the Middle East has now rendered it nearly impossible for even the laziest screenwriters to resort to this stereotype. Who says irony is dead?
13. ROBERT BLAKE ^ The crazy jamoke couldn’t get hired before… and his connection to the brutal murder of his wife isn’t going to help things. Killing your spouse is equal to having a lazy-eye and scoliosis in Hollywood terms.
14. KEVIN COSTNER ^ Like somebody’s lame weekend dad, Hollywood feels OBLIGATED to make this putty-faced idiot’s movies. Films like 3,000 Miles to Graceland aren’t going to help either. This is the year everyone turns 18 and quietly hums that “Cat’s in the Cradle” song.
15. THE OLSEN TWINS ^ A double dose of sugar with barely a squeak of talent between them. It will only be a matter of time before these two insufferable goody-goodies bring their innocuous, cuter-than-thou hi-jinks to the big screen. They’ve outgrown TV and can only outgrow home video, which they’ve dominated to a truly frightening degree. Indeed, they’re an industry unto themselves, with a marketing machine that could teach Michæl Jordan a few things. We keep hoping that the next time we see them on the TV or spot a tabloid newspaper, the twins will be mercilessly splashed across it in some sordid, sex, drugs and greed based scandal. C’mon, how can there NOT be some love triangle with the obligatory burnt out rock star resulting in a public hair-pulling, clothes-tearing cat fight in their imminent future? Call us when you’re above the age of consent, girls.
16. THE SHOOTING GALLERY ^ Overly ambitious distributor that promised a new world of indie cinema and left behind an old-fashioned debacle washed in red ink. The textbook lesson in how not to make your mark in the movie world.
17. CASPER VAN DIEN ^ A mannequin with an agent — compared to him, Freddie Prinze Jr. is Laurence Olivier reincarnated.
18. MARLON BRANDO ^ The high priest of method acting finds himself being referred to in the Jackson home as “Michæl’s weird friend.” An obese, orange-hued parody of a once-great star.
19. PENELOPE CRUZ ^ The least welcome Spanish export since the Inquisition, whose starlet du jour will evaporate once the Hollywood folks realize absolutely no one is interested in seeing her on screen. Magazine covers are one thing, movies are quite another. Now that Cruz is in public romantic-interface mode with Cruise, maybe her career luck will improve. Or maybe she’ll just end up as a Scientology spokesmodel.
Get the rest of the list in THE FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD (20-29)>>>




Posted on October 29, 2001 in Features by
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