THE FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD (40-50)

40. OLIVER STONE ^ How could any director screw up a football movie? Stone did it with Any Given Sunday. Seemingly as useless as Jim Morrison’s cock after a bottle of Jack Daniels and 12 poisonous snake bites. Even the lamest of the population has no want for a new Oliver Stone movie. Perhaps delving into his favorite subjects of war and conspiracy theories he might see a resurgance.
41. REALITY-BASED TV ^ Heck, reality itself! It was supposed to change us forever, now that Brittany chick from the first Big Brother can’t give out enough handjobs to get that “career” CBS promised her.
42. TOM CRUISE ^ It’s been said that he has a “very kickable face.” We’re not sure about that, but we do know that he completely wasted two years making the unimpressive Eyes Wide Shut. And then he goes from screwing a goddess to screwing a foreign Keebler elf in 2 and 1/2 months. Way to go Tommy!
43. MOVIES BASED ON TV SHOWS ^ We know, we know, and you all were hoping for the $1.98 Beauty Pageant The Movie. Trust us, so was Rip Taylor.
44. GEORGE CLOONEY ^ Who doesn’t like George Clooney? Everyone loves Clooney. He was great in Out of Sight, Perfect Storm and O Brother Where Art Thou? The frustrating thing is that he plays the same guy in every movie. And we didn’t buy the Southern accent in O Brother Where Art Thou? It was just good ol’ George Clooney doing a Southern accent. George should talk to OJ about the stellar follow-up on his “Put a Stop to Paparazzi” campaign. Good thing he doesn’t have any REAL causes.
45. MARILYN MANSON ^ The only thing that could save him from being the Tiny Tim of the 21st century would be a make-over on Jenny Jones.
46. SHANNON DOUGHERTY ^ Leaving yet another TV show for her imaginary “movie” career. Aaron Spelling is bordering on co-dependant. Sure, we laughed at her in Mallrats, but we’re guessing there aren’t many more helmers like Kevin Smith willing to hire her.
47. COURTNEY LOVE ^ If she has any more plastic surgery, she’ll almost look human. Now as for BEING human, that might be a little harder. Her acting in films like “The People VS Larry Flynt” and Man on the Moon prove that she’s got talent, but her personality sure could use a makeover from Miss Manners. Courtney, isn’t there someone you should be suing someplace for something?
48. JOHNNY “JODI” WHITTAKER ^ “Mr. French! Sissy! Unca’ Bill! I designed Rip Taylor’s Website!” Even the Sigmund The Sea Monster puppet is more useful, they recycled him into a Sprite bottle. Hey, he should feel lucky to be on any list!
49. SNL MOVIES ^ Does anyone argue with the fact that recent Saturday Night Live sketches fleshed out into full 90 minute movies are not funny? SNL films like The Ladies Man, Superstar and A Night at the Roxbury provide undeniable proof that a sketch does not a movie make. Lorne Michæls has a crap farm and the fruit it bares is barely worth releasing on video, much less to multiplexes.
50. KEVIN SPACEY ^ Winning that Oscar for American Beauty has filled Kevin with “spacey” delusions. Preachy pap like Pay it Forward and K-Pax is cinematic proof that he has gone off the deep end. Kevin, we loved it when you ruled! Please, leave the messages for your award acceptance speeches and get back to making films like “Usual Suspects.”
By the Film Threat staff with contributions from Chad Bixby, Phil Hall, Chris Parcellin, Amy Scott, Ron Wells, Bob Westal and sources who prefer to remain anonymous.
See who was on our list last year. Check out Film Threat’s 2000 FRIGID 50 LIST>>>
Check out FILMTHREAT.com’s FEATURE ARCHIVES and read more insightful stories, expert analysis, gut-busting satire and caustic commentary!




Posted on October 29, 2001 in Features by
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