HOLLYWOOD & BILE (part 3)

JUDD STRIKES BACK AGAIN: THIS TIME, IT’S PERSONAL ^ Mark, ^ I have no interest in talking with you on the phone any more. I know you are very successful and think that gives you the right to judge people and berate them regardless of the facts, but I have had enough of you for one day. I know it’s hard to believe that your rock band TV idea, which every writer in this town has thought of at one point, was not on my mind half a year after you told it to me. Yes, you thought of breaking the fourth wall. Groucho and George Burns stole it from you. Maybe you should sue Bernie Mac. Why don’t you sue the guys who have that new show “How To Be A Rock Star” on the WB. I must have told them your idea. Nobody has ever goofed on rock bands, not Spinal Tap or The Rutles or 800 Saturday Night Live sketches. I should have told everyone on the show, no rock band sketches, that’s Brazil’s area. So hold on to your hate and rage, even though it makes no sense. I’ll go back to my life of thievery and leaching. As for the cancer, I’ll wait till you get it and then steal it from you. By the way, that joke was one of my writer’s, Rodney Rothman (see I credited him). See, I have no original thoughts. Sorry I bothered to figure this out. ^ Judd ^ ^ ————————————————————
ATTACK OF MARK ^ Judd, ^ How appropriate that you had to use someone else’s joke to take a swipe at me. I told you my idea. You did it two weeks later, VERBATIM. Spew revisionist shit all you want. Everyone knows you’re a hack. Also, everyone knows how you fucked over Paul Feig on the new show. All your press mentions “your” brilliant Freaks and Geeks, as if Feig didn’t even do the series. It must have killed you when the true genius behind it got nominated for an Emmy. Is your wife still livid about someone in the neighborhood building a house just like hers? Tell her I know how she feels. The reason I called was to tell you to piss off. We’ll never be “friends”, regardless of the pussy whining from your last e-mail. I respect you zero. ^ See ya at the upfronts, bitch! ^ Well…unless you get canceled before that. ^ Until then, die in a fiery accident and taste your own blood. ^ (Is that too angry?) ^ Love, Brazill ^ ^ ————————————————————
FINAL VENGEANCE: JUDD BREAKS IT DOWN ^ Mark, ^ I hope your anger is a joke, because if it isn’t…wow. Here’s a line by line reply. I have starred (*) the replies if you are confused by my format. ^ How appropriate that you had to use someone else’s joke to take a swipe at me.
***That was the joke. How interesting that you couldn’t understand that. You would think someone with the lineage of “Yard Dogs” would have the intellectual acumen to pick up on that. I feel for the writers that have to pitch to you. Never doubt how much they hate you.
I told you my idea. You did it two weeks later, VERBATIM. Spew revisionist shit all you want.
***How could I hear your idea, steal it, and then have it air two weeks later? It was a filmed sketch show . Sketches were written months before they aired. They were filmed six weeks before they aired. I thought you were a producer. Shouldn’t you understand how these shows are made? Do you start writing episodes two weeks before they air? Maybe you stole “Yard Dogs” from me.
Everyone knows you’re a hack.
***That’s why I kiss the ass. Let me know who thinks I am a hack so I can kiss their ass as well. I also suck dick lately. That’s how I got my Dreamworks deal.
Also, everyone knows how you fucked over Paul Feig on the new show. All your press mentions “your” brilliant Freaks and Geeks, as if Feig didn’t even do the series. It must have killed you when the true genius behind it got nominated for an Emmy.
***I’m sure it’s hard for you to believe, but I do not control the national media. That is only true in your paranoid mind. If I create a show they often mention the last show. If you create a new show by yourself, I doubt they will spend a lot of time talking about the Turners. When they write about “That 80’s Show” I am sure they won’t ever mention “That 70’s Show.” I wrote an entire article in the LA Times, a cover story in the calendar, that credited Paul for his work. He went from a struggling actor to an established writer/producer over the course of a year. He is still my friend and I am very happy that he was nominated for two Emmy’s. He deserved it. I wasn’t upset about his Emmy nominations, I already have enough. The certificates are so big you can only hang so many before it starts looking tacky.
Is your wife still livid about someone in the neighborhood building a house just like hers?
*** Yes.
Tell her I know how she feels.
***I’m on it.
The reason I called was to tell you to piss off. We’ll never be “friends,” regardless of the pussy whining from your last e-mail.
***The funniest part of these e mails is how bad your sense of humor is. You neither get nor can tell a joke. After you said “get cancer” did you really think I was looking to heal our relationship? Usually the cancer insult is a closer. I’m sure everyone who has suffered with that appreciates your sharp wit.
I respect you zero.
***Oh no.
See ya at the upfronts, bitch! ^ Well…unless you get canceled before that.
***If you think cancellation hurts me at this point, you haven’t been following my career as closely as I thought. I guess you are too busy tracking my real estate problems.
Until then, die in a fiery accident and taste your own blood.
***That’s a Sam Kinison line you stupid fuck!!!! Hypocrite!!!! ^ J’accuse!!!! ^ (Is that too angry?) ^ Love, Brazill
***Mark, I have enjoyed this. It’s good to see the tragedies of the past few months haven’t watered down your passion. I guess if Mark Brazill doesn’t go insane over stuff that makes no sense, the terrorists win. Good luck with “That 80’s Show.” And I look forward to “That 90’s Show.” ^ Judd Apatow
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Posted on December 6, 2001 in Features by
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