ORWELL DONE ^ You may fancy the notion of speaking critters ^ but the practice produces less picks, and more litters. ^ Cats & Dogs may have barked and meowed ^ but it failed to dig up an appreciative crowd ^ While Eddie Murphy’s Doc Doolittle ^ once again played second fiddle ^ to a menagerie of sub-sitcom-spewing beasts. ^ Rather than try to carry a film, why can’t they ^ serve man as the stars of wrap party feasts?
THE SCORE (BORED) ^ Did they crack the safe? ^ Did the hustler get played? ^ How many times will this ^ story get made?
NEARLY WRECKED BY A DIALECT ^ Shrek had its charms ^ more so than not ^ But why, Mr. Myers, ^ was the ogre a Scot?
THE SKUNKY BUNCH ^ Striking a Wahlberg unbuoyed by Clooney ^ is an event that’s likely to leave you quite loony. ^ The erstwhile rapper and underwear model ^ has got me so riled I might hit the bottle. ^ It may sound like a case of reel sour grapes ^ but if you endured Schlock Star and The Planet of Gapes, ^ which one was hairier, and which one was worse? ^ And did the directors even try to rehearse?
THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT MORALIZING ^ I hope you won’t think me a Shallow Hal ^ but when I’m on the hunt for a Hollywood gal ^ if her calorie count is an exorbitant amount ^ and her metabolism is slow ^ I’ll take a pass, and wait for a lass ^ with a physique that is more Paltrow.
PRODUCERS’ FINAL FANTASY ^ They thought a lead actress created by computer ^ might be less trouble and digitally cuter. ^ She wouldn’t need a trailer, just a zip drive, ^ and her ethereal aura would keep hope alive ^ for the legion of geeks who would line up for weeks ^ in advance just to purchase their tickets. ^ But no cyber-techs beat a path to the ‘plex, ^ and inside you could only hear crickets.
SEQUEL-SICK ^ Re-hashed, re-cashed, and critically bashed ^ were the second Mummys, Pies, and Rush Hours. ^ But thankfully, the new Scary Movie ^ was short-sheeted of hoodwinking powers.
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Posted on January 3, 2002 in Features by Film Threat Staff
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