Creativity in Hollywood has reached an all-time low and now it’s feasting upon itself by taking classic movies (some better than others), chewing them up and spitting them out again as soulless husks of what they once were. In the recent past, we’ve had to put up with shit like Planet of the Apes, Rollerball and Get Carter…to name a few. Now we have “Dawn of the Dead,” Texas Chainsaw Massacre and “Westworld” remakes on the way, as well as many others. Just when it seems that things can’t get any worse, they do. So what’s next? What’s the next big kick in the balls to be greenlit? Here’s a few worst case scenarios that are more than likely lurking around the corner.
10) Dolemite – Shaft aready got his ass raping, so Dolemite is next.
9) Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! – Playing around with “Charlie’s Angels” is alright…especially since the results were amazing. But leave Russ’ movie alone!
8) The Wiz – The first one was bad enough.
7) Manhunter – Whoops…too late.
6) Dirty Harry – This version will have a darker tone and Harry’s orneriness will only be matched by his ability to perform wire-work kung-fu.
5) Fast Times at Ridgemont High – This won’t be as much of a remake as it’ll be some unrelated, disposable teen comedy with the “Fast Times” title slapped across it. Soundtrack by Blink 182, Pink, Ja Rule and Joe Shit in a Rag Man.
4) Scarface – Mark Wahlberg will don a tan and an accent for the role of Tony Montana.
3) Blade Runner – John McTiernan will attempt to recoup from his “Rollerball” disaster by doing another remake, this time turning “Blade Runner” into a “non-stop rollercoaster thrill ride.” And who better to play Deckard in this rock ‘em, sock ‘em remake than Schwarzenegger, who will be attempting to recoup from the imminent disaster that is “Terminator 3.”
2) Taxi Driver – You know that this one’s right around the corner, to be directed by Joel Schumacher and starring one of many teen idols looking to shed their pretty boy image.
1) Clockwork Orange – This is another one that’s definitely going to be remade sooner or later. The idea of it makes my skin crawl as much as it does yours, but let’s face it…it’s unavoidable. Oh, the horror.
Posted on September 19, 2002 in Features by Eric Campos
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