FILM THREAT’S FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD (1-10)

1. RUSSELL CROWE
Our favorite wild boor, whose bad-boy big mouth and Redwood-sized chip-on-the-shoulder easily cost him an Oscar for A Beautiful Mind. If he doesn’t stop pissing people off, he’ll go from making flicks like Gladiator and return to his B-Movie roots with flicks like Mystery, Alaska.

2. WINONA RYDER
Sure, this is too easy, but it has to be mentioned. She garnered more media attention for her five-fingered discounts than she did for her last half dozen films (including Lost Souls, Autumn in New York and an all but unpromoted lead in Mr. Deeds). Remember the good old days when she took risks on quality films like Heathers and “Mermaids” – and actually acted?

3. CUBA GOODING, JR.
Show him the money and he’ll make the movie, no matter how demeaning or insulting the role. With garbage like Snow Dogs, Rat Race and Boat Trip taking up his time, it is mindboggling to remember he once made films like Boyz n’ the Hood and actually won an Oscar for “Jerry Maguire” in the not-distant past. You have to wonder what happened if Disney decided to remake “Song of the South,” we can bet even money that Gooding would be front and center doing “Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah!”

4. ROBERT DENIRO
Bang the drum slowly as his film output fades from the meaningless into the lethally embarrassing. Either Bobby sleepwalks his way through hopelessly mediocre dramatic parts (City by the Sea) or slices the ham thick in anvil comedies (Showtime, The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle).

5. WOODY ALLEN
Why…and honestly, WHY?… is he still allowed to crank out films? Except for a couple of New York film critics, does anyone really care to see his whiny, meandering movies any more? C’mon, Woody, call it a career and stop wasting Dreamworks’ money.

6. ROSIE O’DONNELL
In recent months, the former daytime talk show host has been trying to balance her new family-oriented fan base with her earlier night club comedy audience. She’s failing miserably. Remember when she was actually funny and no one cared she was Gay? Whoopie freakin’ doo dah! To paraphrase Lenny Bruce — we never met a dyke we didn’t like…until you came along! Her transformation from Tom Cruise-worshipping TV nice lady into a mean-spirited in-your-face butch, makes her the new lesbian schizoid icon: Dr. Jekyll and Sister Hyde.

7. EDDIE MURPHY
Showtime…”The Adventures of Pluto Nash”…I-Spy…do we need to say more?

8. MADONNA
Swept away by her self-importance, the aging material girl still can’t comprehend the plain and simple fact regarding her glaring deficit of acting talent. Perhaps she was mistaken in allowing her husband to direct her latest dud: Guy Richie is a director, not an alchemist.

9. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Darth Vader as you’ve never seen him…a pouty, petulant faux-teen with a sissy voice. A worldwide hunt for the new Anakin in Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones resulted in… HIM? What happened, did Lucas lose Lynn Stalmaster’s phone number?

10. ROBERT BLAKE
Hey, the cynics were wrong…Robert Blake could get arrested in Hollywood!

Get the rest of the list in the next part of FILM THREAT’S FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD>>>




Posted on November 26, 2002 in Features by

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