FILM THREAT’S FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD (30-39)

30. DISNEY ANIMATED SEQUELS
When we were kids, no one even considered a sequel to “Bambi,” “Snow White,” “Sleeping Beauty” and other Disney classics. Now the Mouse House’s marketing machine churns out direct-to-video releases that are pale imitations of the originals, like Return to Neverland, “Beauty and the Beast II,” and “The Little Mermaid II.” This is about as bad as when “The Muppet Babies” got their own Saturday morning cartoon and soiled the great name of Jim Henson’s creations. The whole animation industry is in chaos as digital artists and cheap labor replace classic hand-drawn animation. Toss a frisbee anywhere in the Valley and you’ll hit an unemployed animator. Here’s an idea: make quality animated films instead of crappy sequels.

31. CHRIS KLEIN
American Pie II was a bomb and Rollerball was the final nail in the coffin. A 40 watt lightbulb shines more brightly than this milque-toast non-talent. Next stop — independent films!

32. ROB SCHNEIDER
Bit parts in Adam Sandler films like The Waterboy and Mr. Deeds along with star turns in The Animal, Deuce Bigalow and his upcoming “The Hot Chick” are only further proof that this “comedian” is simply not funny. Go ahead and see any of these films for yourself. Have a Rob Schneider Film Festival and we defy you to find one genuine laugh. (Okay, we admit, as the “You-can-do-it!” guy in “Waterboy,” we eeked out a giggle.) Perhaps Hollywood is finally catching on since Schneider’s latest project, “Harv the Barbarian,” was recently cancelled.

33. JENNIFER LOPEZ (we refuse to call her J.Lo.)
Lopez’s romantic comedy “Maid in Manhattan” is just “Pretty Woman” without the whores. But Lopez has been doing quite a bit of whoring around herself lately, and we’re not talking about Ben Affleck. With bombs under her butt like The Wedding Planner, “Enough” and Angel Eyes, we’re just trying to remember when she was any good at all. At least we have that Kevin Smith movie “Jersey Girl” to look forward to. Or not.

34. GUY RITCHIE
The director of the incredible films like Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch casts his wife, pop icon Madonna, in Swept Away. Loathed by critics and moviegoing audiences, Swept Away was pulled from theaters within seconds of being released. (Okay, maybe not that fast, but it felt like it.) And, to add insult to injury, he’s still married to Madonna! Oh, the agony. Perhaps the only thing that could be worse than Swept Away is being married to Madonna. Now Ritchie is stuck with her. You poor soul. May God forgive you. Because critics and moviegoers certainly will not.

35. RYAN PHILLIPPE
First the blonde over-actor loses out to Hayden Christensen as one of the finalists in the “Who will play Anakin Skywalker in Episode II?” competition, then his wife Reese Witherspoon becomes hugely successful with enough career heat to support the two of them, and finally, he has that weird bump on his head. Look close. Yeah, it’s weird. And once you notice it, it’s hard to look at Phillippe in any other way. That bump just lays there, staring at you. Taunting you. As for career advice… uh, we don’t have any. Oh, one thing — stay married.

36. ELIZABETH HURLEY
Once and for all, yes! Yes, that makes you look fat.

37. FILMS FROM THE CAST OF “FRIENDS”
Ross, Monica, Rachel, Chandler, Joey and Phoebe. You know them and you love them. As long as they stay on television. However, when they migrate to the movies, it’s a whole new story. Let’s throw just a few titles your way. “Serving Sara.” “Three to Tango.” The Whole Nine Yards. “Fools Rush In.” “Almost Heroes.” Rock Star. The Good Girl. Dream for an Insomniac. “‘Til There Was You.” “Picture Perfect.” “She’s the One.” Ed. “Showdown.” Lost in Space. Six Days, Seven Nights. “The Pallbearer.” Kissing a Fool. “Since You’ve Been Gone.” “It’s the Rage.” Hanging Up. Analyze This. Lucky Numbers. “Clockwatchers.” “All Over the Guy.” Scream 3. 3,000 Miles to Graceland. The cast of “Friends” (we forgot their real names but we think one of their last names is “Cock”) have collectively made so many bad movies, you could fill a landfill as large as the state of Nevada with these discarded duds. Need we say more? Okay, we will, movies made by the cast of “Friends” is why the terrorists hate us.

38. AL PACINO
Wooo-ha! Look at me! I’m Al Pacino! It’s me! Al Pacino! I play the same guy in every movie! Wooo-ha! I recycle the same performance for each role I play! You might remember me as the over-the-top director in Simone or the over-the-top cop in Insomnia or the over-the-top football coach in Any Given Sunday or over-the-top TV producer in The Insider or the over-the-top attorney in “The Devil’s Advocate”! Look at me, look at me, look at me. Wooo-ha!

39. GEORGE LUCAS
You don’t get it. You just don’t get it, do you? While Attack of the Clones was certainly a step in the right direction for the waning Star Wars franchise, it may have been too little too late. For the third trilogy in the promised nine-part saga, you might consider hiring others to handle the parts of the filmmaking process that… uh, you know… aren’t your strengths. You know, little filmmaking details like the writing and directing.

Get the rest of the list in the next part of FILM THREAT’S FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD>>>




Posted on November 26, 2002 in Features by

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