EXCESS HOLLYWOOD: INTRODUCING THE NEW STEVEN SEAGAL

It occurred to me the other day that Vin Diesel is just a few films away from becoming the next Steven Seagal. Now, I know that Vin Diesel’s fans delve into this web site on an almost hourly basis to make sure nobody is destroying the Vinster’s good name, but that won’t stop me from saying that the man is about to become a universal joke.

There are those who have been laughing at the actor since he first appeared bigger than life on movie screens across America. I am not one of them. I actually enjoyed him in Pitch Black. Well, I think what I really said was, “That was good … for Vin Diesel.” It’s like when a five-year-old does a drawing that is marginally different from the first forty he did. It looks like a piece of art. I may be in the minority, however, because there are quite a few people who enjoy Mr. Diesel in every movie he’s been in. That will change if he doesn’t start picking better projects. If a third XXX comes along starring Vin, you can bet that “Entertainment Tonight” will be doing an interview with him where he’ll be wearing some Asian-influenced robe and spouting off about mysticism and aligning his “key points.”

I want people to understand (especially before they start firing off poorly written letters threatening my life) that I’m only looking out for the man. I don’t want to see him become a sketch on “Mad TV.” I don’t want him doing instructional DVDs that teach people how to purchase health foods. I don’t want him doing a movie called “The Shadow Walker” where he plays a “fed up” man who has to “go at it alone” to “take down the syndicate.” I don’t think his die-hard fans want to see that, either, and we can fix this situation before it gets out of hand.

In order to save Vin Diesel, we have to plead to Vin Diesel. We have to write letters and e-mails. We have to send faxes. We have to make phone calls. We must beg him to stop making movies before it is too late. I’ve included a short letter that you can take a cue from.

Dear Mr. Diesel:

I love you and your many action-packed movies. I love you so much that I actually named my cat Fast and Furious and have a personalized license plate that says VIN69. (This is not a reference to a sexual act I’d like to perform with you. Like yourself, I love sixty-nining the ladies. Apparently there are sixty-eight other personalized Vin plates out there. I’m sure there is a VIN70 plate in San Diego.)

I am not writing some gushy fan note, however. I am writing to save your career. As you are aware, there are many action stars who have started out strong (Steven Seagal and Dolph Lundgren come to mind), but became has-beens almost over night. I think you may be on the same path — the path of the celebrity ninja. If you want to avoid this fate, you need to stop acting this instant. Yes, fulfill your contracts, but don’t enter into any more. After all, you can’t become a has-been when you turn your back on Hollywood, and it’s always better to turn your back before your back is turned for you.

You may be wondering what you should do if you aren’t acting. I’ve asked many of my friends and lovers. I’ve heard many suggestions. Some serious (a car salesman), some not (fabric shuffler). I think — and prepare yourself for this — you should be a singer. You have a smoky voice. It’s like sandpaper silk, and it oozes sexual fluids. Sir, if you produced a CD, I’d buy it.

Consider this, Vin. I just may be saving your life. -Doug

Your letter doesn’t have to be identical to the one above (which I actually asked the “unofficial” Vin Diesel fan club and one Vin Diesel fan web site to forward to the actor), but it should be along the same lines. Good luck, and God bless Vin.

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Film Threat reviewer and “Excess Hollywood” columnist Doug Brunell is currently doing time in Northern California.

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Posted on May 7, 2003 in Features by
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