EXCESS HOLLYWOOD: DAVID HASSELHOFF’S ASS PICKLES

One of my favorite scenes in Pulp Fiction involves Samuel L. Jackson and John Travolta discussing the delicacies involved in going down on another man’s woman. I enjoyed that scene because I like conversations about odd things; they make life worth living. Every once in a while I like to involve a group of people who are little more than strangers in the kind of discussion they never thought they’d be having. One of my favorite topics is: What famous person is the most easiest for you to picture defecating, and who is the one you have the hardest time imagining?

That always goes over big at parties.

For myself, I have a hard time picturing Queen Elizabeth or Gary Coleman sitting on the can. I don’t know why, but whenever I try to imagine it, I just about draw a blank. The one person who instantly comes to my mind, however, when I think of celebrities crapping is David Hasselhoff. For some reason I can totally picture him sitting on the toilet and producing a whole bowl full of ass pickles.

Those who aren’t offended by the topic often have a good time trying to come up with images of celebrities sitting on the toilet. Britney Spears’ name often comes up, but that just kind of opens a can of worms I don’t want to delve into. When it comes to men, Al Pacino is a name often tossed out there as an easily imaginable pooping star.

When people discuss this, they don’t realize that they are humanizing the people society says are above us. We often think about stars going to Hollywood premieres in limos with beautiful people at their sides. We don’t think of them sitting on the toilet reading Variety or Hustler’s Barely Legal. We think of someone like Tom Hanks having a maid to clean up around the den, but we never realize that he does his own wiping.

Imagining famous people expelling waste not only makes them human in our eyes, it brings them to our level, and we can relate to them better. Before thinking about such things, Tom Cruise was a short guy who used to screw Nicole Kidman on a regular basis. Now he’s a man who has the same problems we all suffer from after eating a bad burrito. This exercise is a way for the average Joe and Jane to connect to Halle Berry and Robin Williams.

So take a moment and think about what famous person you can visualize on the toilet. Is it one of the Olsen twins? Jim Carrey? That hobbit Elijah Wood? Rhea Perlman? What about Maria Shriver?

For me it will always be David Hasselhoff. When I think of him, I don’t think of “Knight Rider” or German music fans. I see him, expensive slacks around his ankles, grunting away on a white porcelain toilet. Incense is burning so as not to cause discomfort to the next person to use the room. Perhaps one of his CDs is playing on the radio to mask any unpleasant noises … well, any other unpleasant noises.

David Hasselhoff may be a lot of things to a lot of people, but to me he’ll always be the defecating lifeguard, the shitting singer and the excrement expelling ex-cop who became a vigilante. And those are things Gary Coleman can never match, God bless his little soul.

Discuss Doug Brunell’s “Excess Hollywood” column in Film Threat’s BACK TALK section! Click here>>>




Posted on December 29, 2003 in Features by
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