As if catering to the fanboy in all of us, Hollywood is rolling out the team-up/fight movie. “Freddy vs. Jason” is coming (Boooorrrrinnnngggg!). Aliens may go at it with Predator (Who cares?). What may seem to be intriguing ideas are really just Hollywood’s way of making a fast buck. It’s like the five dollar blow job – it isn’t very good, but who’s going to complain when it’s five dollars?
These “versus” movies don’t do much for me, but they did get me thinking. There are some decent films that could be made in this genre, but it will take some licensing miracles and some smooth talking to get the job done. Here are a few of my suggestions.
The first film I’d like to see would be “Free Jaws,” and it would feature the shark from any of the “Jaws” movies battling Willy from “Free Willy.” The opening scene would focus on a young white boy standing on some rocks in the ocean just off a crowded beach. Two killer whales surface near him. One of the whales has bite marks on its body.
“What did that to you?” the boy asks.
At that very moment, Jaws rockets out of the surf and takes out the boy in one gulp. The crowd on the beach goes ape shit. A sheriff, who just happened to witness the event, says to the camera, “This ain’t revenge. It’s war.”
Doesn’t that just give you chills?
For the guys and bored housewives out there, I’d love to see “Charlie’s Angels 3: Opening Shane’s Box.” This would feature the three lovely ladies from the “Charlie’s Angels” franchise battling it out with all the hot porno stars in the “Shane’s World” series.
The film’s plot would center around the Angels going undercover to find out why so many women are leaving their men after viewing “Shane’s World 69: Muff Divers of the Golden West.” The Angels fight Shane’s minions at first, but then realize that girls just taste so much better than boys and join them in an orgy that lasts 95 minutes of the movie’s 98 minute running time. The movie’s tagline could be, “We’ve got this one licked.”
My final pick for these “versus” movies would be the mother of all sequels: “Rocky: Apocalypse.” The tagline? “Don’t call it a sequel. It’s a conclusion.”
Rocky is old and feeble. He turns on ESPN one day and sees old footage of himself fighting Vin Diesel. But wait! Rocky never fought Diesel Joe! What’s this? It’s a younger version of Rocky in a fight that happened the night before. What is going on?
Arnold Schwarzenegger has cloned Rocky from a piece of his lip that was recovered from a towel after the fight with Mr. T. over a decade ago. He did this to draw out his old box office nemesis, and it works! Rocky is back, baby!
It’s old Rocky versus new Rocky in the ring, but this new version of the old hero has a few tricks up his sleeve. He leaps into the air as the camera pans around him “Matrix”-style and launches a nasty forward kick into Rocky’s jaw. The old Rocky remembers that his first trainer used to tell him to take his brain out of his “freakin’ ass,” and surmises that the clone Rocky has a computer chip in its buttocks that enables him to fight like Butterbean. Real Rocky lands a few punches and bites into the young Rocky’s posterior, shorts out the chip, and wins the fight.
Arnold is pissed, and it’s time to unleash his big surprise. He has an entire army of backup Rocky clones which he sets loose on Philadelphia. Old Rocky knew this day was coming, and as we see in flashbacks, he made a clone army of his own using “X-Box-like technology.” The clones look like Stallone in “Cobra,” and they attempt to stop the other Rocky clones from destroying all the cheesesteak joints before it is too late.
Rocky leads his “Rocky Cobra Elite Fighting Team Version 1.7″ into battle like Mel Gibson did in “Braveheart.” Instead of a skirt and blue face paint, he dresses like Gene Simmons in Kiss. (This actually leads to a great cameo with Samuel L. Jackson as Shaft saying, “That’s one bad muthafucka.”)
All the Rockies kill each other, and Arnold dies of a heart attack while clutching the Liberty Bell. A reporter, played by none other than Beth Ulrich, does a newscast on the scene. She has been reporting on the action the entire film, but now she sums up what the audience is thinking when she says, “Somehow I think the world will be a better place now that all these Rockies are gone.” Truer words have never been spoken in a movie.
Don’t these ideas sound better than some stupid “Freddy vs. Jason” movie? I mean, wouldn’t you like to see Cameron Diaz licking the anus of that bubble-headed Shane bimbo? I know I would. Hollywood, what do you say?
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Posted on July 24, 2003 in Features by Doug Brunell
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