THE GEEKS SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH: VAMPIRES DON’T HAVE TAN LINES

As long as there have been vampires, there have been lesbian vampires. Or so I’m told by the countless low-budget sex & blood fests that line the shelves of video stores across America.

The idea of the lesbian vampire is not a new one, of course. If one is intrepid enough to investigate the vampire legend, you can go as far back as Lilith, rumored to be Adam’s first wife and the world’s first vampire according to the Kaballah, who one night seduced both Adam and his new wife Eve. Jump forward in history, and we get to read a bunch of juicy details about Carmilla in J. Sheridan Le Fanu’s classic novel, a novel which gave birth to “The Vampire Lovers”, “Blood and Roses” (directed by the inimitable Roger Vadim), “Vampyres” (set in majestic Oakley Court – home of “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”), “Vampiros Lesbos”, “The Nude Vampire” – let us not forget Oscar-nominated actress Susan Sarandon getting it on with Catherine Denuve in “The Hunger”! The list goes on and on.

But in the mid-nineties, it was decided that a good way to make back the buck-seventy-five invested in a shot-on-video horror movie was to get a couple of sexy(ish) babes, jam a fifty-cent pair of plastic choppers in their mouths and let them writhe around for a while. Preferably naked and on top of each other. Honestly, with a winning formula like that, how can you possibly go wrong?

Some of these movies have other things going for them aside from the flesh pressing. Most, however, don’t. Most even end as soon as the final bite is delivered to whatever fleshy part is most available. These awe-inspiring events can be witnessed in such immortal classics as “Caress of the Vampire”, “The Vampire Strangler”, “Blood Kiss”, “Vampires of Sorority Row”, “Sorority House Vampires”, “Vampires in the Sorority House”, “House of the Sorority Vampires”, “There are Vampires in the Sorority House 2: The Electric Boogaloo”, and my personal favorite “The Vampire’s Seduction” (in which topless vamp Tina Krause screeches, in her best Bela Lugosi impression, “I vahnt my less-biansss!”)

As a connoisseur of low-budget entertainment, I’d like to offer some advice to any aspiring filmmakers who have somehow convinced their girlfriends to disrobe, don fangs and make out with their best friends in a new les-vamp opus. This may sound like nitpicking, but trust me, paying attention to certain details will go a long way towards raising your epic to a new level – even if you are only in it for the nipple shots.

Rule #1: Vampires Don’t Have Tan Lines. Depending on which mythology you’re going with, vampires either shun the sun or mildly dislike it. Generally, as portrayed in such non-lesbian vampire vehicles as “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” (which has both lesbians and vampires, but not lesbian vampires, which is something they should amend soon if they want to continue to dominate in the ratings), vampires tend to explode upon contact with the old UV rays. Maybe all vampires are Irish, who knows, but as a general rule, the bloodsuckers aren’t morning, noon, or five o’clockish folk. And don’t give me that bull about their having tan lines before they became undead. Just pat those white patches down with some body make-up. If your budget won’t allow it, a can of flesh-colored Krylon goes for a buck a can at any hardware store.

Rule #2: If the Fangs Leave the Mouth and End Up in the Cleavage, Chances Are The Suspension of Disbelief Will Go Right Out the Window. I might still believe in the existence of lesbians, but you’ll shake my faith in vampires every time.

Rule #3: Even Lesbian Vampires Do More Than Writhe On Top of Each Other. I know you’re just doing this for the sex, but for Pete’s sake, give these gals something to do once in a while. Have fun with it. What if your les-vamp is a perky, happy-go-lucky hippie type? Or a shy scullery maid who “seduces” more experienced members of the Sapphic Sisterhood? The world is your oyster – and remember, oysters are aphrodisiacs.

There are probably countless other rules, but you’re making a lesbian vampire movie, so you’re not aiming for high art here, right? Just do us all a favor. We appreciate the skin, but give us a little more “bite”. (Did I just write that?)

Now, on the other hand, if you’re going for lesbian werewolves…

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Mike Watt attempts to explore all the things that make Geek culture great, as well as pointing out all the things that make Geeks genetically superior to all other humans. During the course of this exploration, he may undoubtedly have to reveal horrid truths about Hollywood and Mainstream Cinema, as they compare to the riches of independent filmmaking. Ultimately, he hopes to bring higher awareness of and respect to Geek Culture, as well as secure a hefty book deal and the accolades of his (richer) peers. Feel free to lavish him with affection (or bitch at him) at hollywoodisburning@hotmail.com.

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Posted on August 20, 2003 in Features by
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