5. DOWN WITH LOVE ^ We don’t understand how Ewan McGregor could be so upset about how horribly the new “Star Wars” films have turned out when he keeps starring in pieces of shit like this.
4. FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY ^ There’s no use in making sense of a film that takes place in some weird parallel realm where the only solution to a conflict between two guys is to engage in a weird hovercraft/ball/laundry basket duel; the Internet is still only used by the most socially-impaired geeks; there’s a white boy rapper that makes Jamie Kennedy look like a paragon of street cred by comparison; and young women willingly wear skirts made entirely of neckties out in public.
3. HOLLYWOOD HOMICIDE ^ The only reason “Hollywood Homicide is worse than the two aforementioned turds is that it’s fucking with a legend. Harrison Ford, what happened to you? It’s Calista, isn’t it? That bitch!
2. GIGLI ^ The running time is 123 minutes, and if in a moment of weakness you drag your sorry butt to see this film, remember that you will never, EVER get those 123 minutes back. And there are so many better things you could do with that time – like wash your car, do your laundry or try to calculate the last digit of pi.
1. GRIND ^ “Grind” is an answer to the question that has been on the minds of many this summer: “Is there anything worse than Gigli?” The answer to this question is a resounding “YES!”
It’s time for some Back Talk!

Posted on September 2, 2003 in Features by

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