41. HORROR MOVIE REMAKES
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Dawn of the Dead, “Suspiria,” and so on. What next? “Squirm”? There are original ideas out there. Nobody’s looking, though, and that means we all suffer.
ANTI-FREEZE: Anything original that comes along to prove that it can be done.
42. MARTIN LAWRENCE
How this man has a career at all is anyone’s guess. Has he ever said anything funny on screen? His work in National Security and Bad Boys II would essentially kill the career of anyone else in the industry, and yet he keeps getting big bucks and big budgets. Something fishy is going on here. Bad Boys II lived up to its name, but many forget the fart-in-church quality of National Security. If he keeps this up, even Russel Simmons won’t return his calls.
ANTI-FREEZE: We don’t want to suggest anything for fear that it might help.
43. JOHN TRAVOLTA
The public hasn’t had the Basic star to thank for a whole lot of moviegoing pleasure over the past half decade or so, but it’s safe to say he made a lot of people happy this year by limiting himself to a single release.
ANTI-FREEZE: Call Quentin for help.
44. DANNY DEVITO DARK COMEDIES
If John Ashcroft really wants to protect Americans, he’ll stick a clause in the Patriot Act making it a crime for DeVito to direct any more movies in the vein of “Throw Momma From The Train,” Death To Smoochy and Duplex. Hey, the guy is a towering talent in other arenas. He just needs to smooch this one good-bye.
ANTI-FREEZE: “Taxi the Motion Picture”? No, that won’t help either. Sorry, we tried.
45. BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO
Support your local mom and pop stores! They deserve your business more than these greedy asswipes do.
ANTI-FREEZE: Maybe a little porn would give you guys some class.
46. MICHAEL BAY
Keeping with the tradition of his bloated, over-the-top productions, Michael Bay has surpassed everyone by unleashing the most offensive remake that’s come down the pike thus far – The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. This puppy is even worse than the Gus Van Sant version of Psycho. May Bay wake up tomorrow with a chainsaw in his pants.
ANTI-FREEZE: Signing a new deal with the devil.
47. JACKIE CHAN
Sure he’s getting older and needs the help of special effects and leading ladies, but the one-two punch of “The Tuxedo” and “The Medallion” (what next, “The Flip-Flop”?) was simply too much. We know he still has what it takes to make us laugh (Shanghai Knights), but he needs to get a grip.
ANTI-FREEZE: Subtitles. Book a flight to Hong Kong fast.
48. SEAN CONNERY
The Avengers was bad enough, but now he’s gone and flexed his star muscles to destroy another promising movie adaptation, LXG, which is quite possibly the most soulless comic book action movie in history. Just retire now with your knighthood and your Scottish castle and leave the industry alone, please.
ANTI-FREEZE: Start with “Indy IV.”
49. BRENDAN FRASER
A graph of the highs and lows of Fraser’s career would look like a seismograph taken around the time of the Krakatoa explosion: “Gods and Monsters” – Dudley Do-Right – Monkeybone – The Quiet American…we’re getting whiplash and that’s just the last five years.
ANTI-FREEZE: Stop taking every damn job that comes along and you can exit this list entirely. We promise.
50. BRUCE WILLIS
During a shameless publicity tour of Iraq, the aging cueball promised $1 million to the first American soldier who captures Saddam Hussein. Maybe Bruce should promise $1 million to the first producer who can get him a decent script.
ANTI-FREEZE: Humility and a sense of humor.
Brought to you by the Film Threat staff with contributions from Rory L. Aronsky, Doug Brunell, Thom Bennett, Eric Campos, Kevin Carr, Chris Gore, Phil Hall, Brad Slager, Pete Vonder Haar, and sources who prefer to remain anonymous.
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