EXCESS HOLLYWOOD: FIVE MINUTES WITH CUBA GOODING, JR.

I live in a town where there are a lot of prostitutes. That said, I’ve never seen a bigger whore than Cuba Gooding, Jr., that fool of the silver screen. Has this guy ever turned down a script?

Those who regularly read my column know how I feel about the man. He represents just about everything that is wrong with Hollywood. He is more entertainer than artist, and throw a few bucks at him, and he’ll jump through hoops. There are actually manufactured boy bands out there that have more credibility than Mr. Cuba. He may have actually showed promise at one time, but he squandered it for the bucks. He cashed out, sold out and tuned out — and he’s proud of that. Emma Goldman said that society gets the criminals it deserves. I say Hollywood gets the actors it deserves. What I want to know is how many blind children did Hollywood molest and murder in order to be saddled with Cuba?

My hostility toward Cuba is so great that I recently had a dream about him. I have dreams about lots of famous people. Most of these dreams are fairly disturbing, but the Cuba one was actually pretty amusing. In the dream, I was interviewing him for the new Film Threat television show. Chris Gore sent me to some premiere so I could bug the shit out of the actor. Here’s how it went:

Me: Mr. Junior! Doug Brunell from Film Threat. Your publicist says I have five minutes with you.

Cuba: Okay.

Me: Why do you make such crappy movies?

Cuba: (Looking very uncomfortable.) Okay … well … I have to get into the theatre.

Me: No way, Radio. Your publicist said five minutes. I want you to tell all your fans why you make such garbage movies.

Cuba: Well … I think my fans would say I make good movies.

Me: Snow Dogs. That was a good movie? Want to explain that one?

Cuba: It was an entertaining movie.

Me: I’ll have to take your word on that.

Cuba: You haven’t seen it?

Me: Hell no!

Cuba: Then how can you judge it?

Me: Look, buddy, I don’t need to get shot to know it hurts. Got the picture? I see a trailer featuring you, and I know the movie’s going to be a crapfest. Next question: Do you think the only reason people like you is because you’re a non-threatening black man?

Cuba: You know, that’s kind of racist.

Me: I don’t know of a lot of black people who like you. In fact, most of your fans seem to be older white women. Can you explain that?

Cuba: I don’t think that’s the case.

Me: Yeah, I’m sure you’re respected by your peers the same way Denzel and Chris Rock are.

Cuba: We make different kinds of films.

Me: Obviously.

Cuba: Okay, this interview is over!

Me: Have you seen yourself in Radio? Do you think that’s a role Ving Rhames would take?

Cuba: You know, you better watch it. You’re gonna piss off some awfully powerful people saying things like that.

Me: Yeah, I’m sure the Daughters of the American Revolution are going to hate me after this.

And that was the dream. I don’t know if it translates well, but it was pretty damn funny at the time.

I’m sure I’ll never get a chance to interview this joke of an actor, but if I do, I will definitely ask him why he makes such incredibly lame movies. He may have made some decent ones in the past (though I can’t name one as of this writing), but the bombs overshadow them. He’s everything Public Enemy hates and everything the Black Panthers stood against, and as long as he keeps making big bucks and winning awards, I’ll know that Hollywood is still a white person’s world.

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Posted on November 11, 2003 in Features by
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