EXCESS HOLLYWOOD: PORN MOVIES FROM HOME

I often joke that the reason I like amateur porn is because my parents could be in it. That’s only partially true. The real reason I like amateur porn over the professional stuff is the fact that these are real people, blemishes and all, who are doing real sex acts because they love it, not because they are getting big checks, star treatment and coke habits.

Professional porn is fantasy. The women look perfect. The men have huge, donkey-like penises and can last longer than an experimental art film. Amateur porn is reality sans a ridiculous story. The women are sometimes a little less than skinny with breasts that aren’t courtesy of a Beverly Hills doctor.

The men are often doltish and ejaculate off cue. Amateur porn is sex we “ordinary” people have. Professional porn looks like the sex we want to have — which is why professional porn is such a huge industry. It sells fantasy, and people want fantasy.

It shouldn’t be that way.

My imagination is far better than anything they do in professional porn, which isn’t really that spectacular. How many times have we seen that pool boy scenario anyway? When I see amateur porn, however, I know it means that the lady at the bank could be one of the stars. It helps me picture the average Joe and Jane going at it like fumbling drunks. I don’t see people like Jenna Jameson in the real world. I see people like Josephina, the “short, stacked, big brown nippled slut” from “Reel Life Video Volume 7.” That’s your insurance agent! Not Candy Samples.

I understand that people view porn so they can watch beautiful people engaging in mind-blowing sex. Does the cheese level of such films ever bother these viewers, though? Does it ever make them think, “Wow, my life will never be like this? I must suck.” Amateur porn never makes you feel bad. Amateur porn makes you feel like a fucking star. Amateur porn gives us reality. It is down-home, DIY sex gone mad. Screw Peter North. The ladies want to see the real cable repairman.

Professional porn also loses something because it often takes place on set. Special camera effects often spoil the mood, too. And let’s not get into the acting. Amateur porn, on the other hand, is in the spare bedroom. The best special effect is the cameraman tripping on a cord and catching an out-of-focus shot of a ceiling fan. There is no acting, just, “This is my wife. What do you two want to do?” Believe me, I’ve seen a lot of porn, and the stuff made by the “common” man and woman wins out every time. I thank the porn gods for it!

I don’t expect my little rant to destroy the mainstream porno business, but I hope it turns some people away from it. It has become boring. The semen splattered faces are one step away from supermodel and thus unobtainable, and don’t buy into the hollow fantasy of meaningless gang bangs done by girls looking to pay their way through college. Turn to your neighbors and your fellow church members. Get those cameras rolling. Start swapping partners and making your own videos. At the very least, put that movie from Pierre Woodman back on the shelf and pick up the one filmed “in an apartment in East

L.A. with a man and his mistress.” I can’t guarantee you’ll like the looks of the people you’ll see, but I can say you’ll have a far better chance of scoring with them then you would with Nikki Lynn. And that has to count for something, right?

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Posted on January 12, 2004 in Features by
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