MOVIES ON THE BRAIN: “UNDERWORLD”

1:02 – The term “coven” should be used only for witches. Vampires using it just seems wrong.

1:05 – Apparently Grandpa Simpson is the head vampire.

1:06 – Sorry, but whenever a movie has someone giving instructions to guards my mind immediately goes to “Monty Python and the Holy Grail.” I keep imagining Graham Chapman hiccupping off to the side. Good stuff.

1:08 – I’ve lived and worked in and around Chicago, the home of the Pullman Railroad Car, all my life and I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen one. How sad is that?

1:09 – Security around this house seems pretty tight, but I bet Lee Marvin and Charles Bronson could still get in.

1:11 – All right, so werewolves pass on their memories to those they bite. Do these memories continue on? Does the newest werewolf obtain memories of all the ancestors, all the way back to some stray dachshund?

1:14 – Do kids still play with electric trains anymore? My brother and I had two or three, but I have no idea how popular train sets are nowadays. I’m thinking a train set would lose when going head to head with a PlayStation 2.

1:16 – Must all supernatural transformations look exactly like someone who has eaten too much dairy? Can’t we have one movie with nice, gentle transitions from man to flesh-eating killer of the night?

1:18 – OK, we must be in London. Vampire is spelled Vampyre.

1:23 – At least Scott Speedman’s name is Michael and not some psuedo-spiritual thing.

1:28 – Is this whole “werewolves were the servants of the vampires” thing supposed to be a racial metaphor? If so, they waited an awfully long time to get there.

1:31 – Do all bears hibernate? I’ve never once been to the zoo and been told the bears weren’t available because they were hibernating. Either it’s not something they do in captivity or the zookeepers are giving them gallons of Mountain Dew each day from October to April.

1:32 – It’s official. Kate Beckinsale looks cooler than Carrie Anne Moss in Matrix Reloaded.

1:34 – It may be wrong, but part of me still thinks the special effects in “Clash of the Titans” are more realistic than those in Attack of the Clones. Plus – Laurence Olivier as Zeus. Can’t go wrong with that.

1:37 – You never, ever leave your wingman.

1:39 – All these werewolves and yet no Michael J. Fox or Jason Bateman. Where’s the justice?

1:48 – I miss the old WWF. I’m talking about the one with The Sheik, Andre the Giant, “Rowdy” Roddy Piper and Hulk Hogan before he started to look like a lesbian biker. Oh, and don’t forget Captain Lou Albano.

1:50 – “True subtlety is having to remind the target it’s been hit.” I wish I could say I got this from “The Art of War” or some other scholarly work, but it’s from an old G.I. Joe comic. These are my influences.

Parting Thoughts – Good flick. Had just enough mythology to let you know there was something else going on other than what was obviously happening on screen, but it never got bogged down there. The performances were all kind of one-note, but I’m willing to overlook that. Overall, I’m glad I saw this one and it lived up to most of my expectations.

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Chris Thilk has an easier time remembering lines from movies he hasn’t seen in five years than he does the birthdays of people close to him. For this column this is actually a good thing. He is easily scared by snakes, low-clearance bridges and the rantings of weblog writers.




Posted on February 5, 2004 in Features by

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