Furious D
01-01-2004, 10:51 AM
Greetings and salutations on the beginning of 2004 AD. Here's a little something to cut through that nasty, hungover, mouth full of ashes, and nauseous feeling you've got.
Through my ultra secret sources I've uncovered the New Year's Resolutions of some Tinseltown's biggest celebs and filmmakers. Here they are:
GWYNETH PALTROW: For 2004 I'm going to give birth to the best looking baby in the world. The child won't cry, get colic, or need to be fed in the middle of the night. A development that will deeply enrage Ellen M.:p
EDDIE MURPHY: Fire my agent and actually do something that's funny that people will see.
PARIS HILTON: Finish editing my definitive translation of the collected works of Marcel Proust into Esperanto.
MICHAEL JACKSON: Listen to my lawyer & stop making crazy and faked accusations toward the Santa Barbara PD that could get me sent to prison. Also get that DVD Box-Set of OZ to see what the future holds for me.
JOEL SCHUMACHER: I pledge to continue making films. I'm bound to get one right eventually.
MICHAEL MOORE: Defect to North Korea. Because if George W.'s against it, it must be a wonderful paradise where a smug, arrogant, loudmouth like me will have the freedom of expression & moneymaking I'm missing in the USA. And if it isn't, I'll just claim it is. Half of Hollywood will believe anything I pull out of my ass.
BEN AFFLECK: Learn to express emotions like a real human being, make up my mind about J-Lo, and kick the director of GIGLI in the balls.
MICHAEL BAY: Produce a remake of THE HILLS HAVE EYES & cast it entirely with people from the Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue.
KEVIN SMITH: Kick the director of GIGLI in the balls. The bastard's going to doom JERSEY GIRL.
Through my ultra secret sources I've uncovered the New Year's Resolutions of some Tinseltown's biggest celebs and filmmakers. Here they are:
GWYNETH PALTROW: For 2004 I'm going to give birth to the best looking baby in the world. The child won't cry, get colic, or need to be fed in the middle of the night. A development that will deeply enrage Ellen M.:p
EDDIE MURPHY: Fire my agent and actually do something that's funny that people will see.
PARIS HILTON: Finish editing my definitive translation of the collected works of Marcel Proust into Esperanto.
MICHAEL JACKSON: Listen to my lawyer & stop making crazy and faked accusations toward the Santa Barbara PD that could get me sent to prison. Also get that DVD Box-Set of OZ to see what the future holds for me.
JOEL SCHUMACHER: I pledge to continue making films. I'm bound to get one right eventually.
MICHAEL MOORE: Defect to North Korea. Because if George W.'s against it, it must be a wonderful paradise where a smug, arrogant, loudmouth like me will have the freedom of expression & moneymaking I'm missing in the USA. And if it isn't, I'll just claim it is. Half of Hollywood will believe anything I pull out of my ass.
BEN AFFLECK: Learn to express emotions like a real human being, make up my mind about J-Lo, and kick the director of GIGLI in the balls.
MICHAEL BAY: Produce a remake of THE HILLS HAVE EYES & cast it entirely with people from the Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue.
KEVIN SMITH: Kick the director of GIGLI in the balls. The bastard's going to doom JERSEY GIRL.