Join Furious D's Psychic Fiend's Network

[Furious D]

Anyone familiar with my posts will remember that I occassionally have 'Psychic Flashes,' which illuminate the dark void we call the future. Now I know I'm not alone with this gift and I want all you people to join my Psychic Fiend's Network.

There's no money involved, though cash donations (in small unmarked non-sequential bills) will be welcomed.

All you have to is give me your predictions for the Future in Hollywood.

What do the fates have in store for your favourite filmmakers? Fave celebrities? People who get on your nerves?

Let us see into the snakepit of your minds and give us your predictions for the future.:D

All this talk has triggered another PSYCHIC FLASH!!!

I predict that MGM/UA will release a 'reimagined' James Bond. He will now be an American agent, played by Ben Affleck, who never leaves the Los Angeles area, drives an SUV, and is aided in his adventures by a plucky young orphan he adopts, played by Rob Schneider who is digitally shrunk to look like a 10 year old.

I predict that Adam Sandler will make a movie where he plays a violent anti-social man-child who talks with a whiny grating voice and yells a lot.

I predict more remakes, three more months of discussion about Janet Jackson's boob, and Barbra Streisand will vote Republican, because she's been getting on her own nerves lately.

Due to overexposure people will get sick and tired of Justin Timberlake and Paris Hilton. In a vain attempt to get back on TV, they get married and try to get on MTV's Newlyweds. This fails and they end up hosting the morning news for a UPN affiliate in Carlsbad, New Mexico. After 3 months of marriage Paris will gun down Justin. Oddly enough she's acquitted when the shooting's deemed 'justified.'

Merger mania will hit the media industry resulting in a mega-merger between Fox, Universal, Comcast, Knopf Publishing, and Disney. This new supercorp will be known on the stock exchange as FUCK'D.

What do you see in the future? Let us know and become a Psychic Fiend.:cool:

[The Baron]

(Well, okay, it's actually a snow-globe from a trip to Disney World when I was 13,) and I have seen something miraculous:

Just two months prior to the release of Episode III, LucasArts will market a replica Stormtrooper helmet with built-in asthma inhaler and cel phone. The in-helmet telephone can be programmed with the phone number of the owner's mother for easy post-cinema pick-ups.

The Stormtrooper helmet will prove so popular amongst the geek hordes, that a deluxe Darth Vader helmet will soon follow. However, sales will plummet, due to the end of the Star Wars series, forcing Lucas to arrempt to produce a film that doesn't suck, for the first time in years.

[Seedy Edgewick]

I ran into Pete the Weremarmoset the other day and learned that, in addition to being allergic to zinc, Pete is also slightly psychic. I asked him for some predictions, and this is what he told me (to the best of my recollection):

(1) David Geffen will greenlight a sequel to Christine, but in an attempt to capitalize on the old-TV-show-made-into-big-budget-movie trend, the film will be titled Christine II: My Mother the Car.

(2) Rob Schnieder will win an Academy Lifetime Achievement Award, given posthumously after (and because of) his suicide.

(3) Digital movie distribution will receive its worst setback yet when an unidentified geek hacks into the download stream for Star Wars: Episode 9 and replaces it with a XXX version of Toy Story.

That's all he had, but if I learn any more, I'll be sure to let everyone know.

[The Baron]

I've recently had another blinding vision in my Disney World snow globe:

In the months to come, each of Furious D's posts will be at least a page long. However, the post itself will be one line, and the balance will be signatures.

[Rory L. Aronsky]

Rory Aronsky's locations will change every couple of days not only leading people to wonder where he'll end up next, but whether he is actually real, or is a strange being bent on world domination by the withholding of soft-serve ice cream.

[El Duderino Diablo]

There's a slow battle simmering between Rory and Furious D as to who will have the most imposing signature array.

;)

[Furious D]

It ain't the size of your signature, Dude, it's what you do with it.;)

Oh no! Another PSYCHIC FLASH!:eek:

Harvey Wienstein's constant Oscar Whoring will lead to a backlash when Miramax's Fall 2005 release "DUDE, WHERE'S MY COLD MOUNTAIN?" starring Ashton Kutcher, Jennifer Lopez, and Olympia Dukakis is snubbed from any nominations. Weinstein himself will have to be removed from the Kodak Theater after he climbs on stage, assaults Best Actor Winner William Shatner and grabs his trophy, bawling: "They're mine! They're all mine!! They're my precious!!"

After a brief stay at the Marisa Tomei Institute for Oscar Rehabilitation he will be released and dedicate himself to a new project. Producing a reality TV show featuring Film Threat forum members annoying celebrities. Sadly, the show will be shut out of the Emmies due to Weinstein's shameless ad campaigns, causing Harv to be institutionalized permanently.;)

[Rory L. Aronsky]

We may not win any awards (and I was hoping for a Peabody), but if we can hospitalize at least one major executive during the course of a reality show like that, then we've done our job.

[Furious D]

I'm having another vision. In it a man known as The Baron will become the lover and then later the first of Paris Hilton's 17 husbands. He will dumped by Paris for Stinky, the Singing Quizno's Rodent.

But all is not lost. The Baron will open a specialist 'landscaping' boutique in Beverly Hills and become the world's foremost pubic hairstylist. He will end up making billions marketing a shampoo for men called HEAD & BOULDERS.

Ironically, Stinky the singing mutant rodent, will become the chief H&B pitchman. He'll replace Justin Timberlake when it's discovered that he has no balls after all.

The almost constant presence of Stinky singing on TV, radio and in the movies will drive Ellen insane. She'll quit her job at the Brigitte Bardot Donkey Gelding Clinic and go off to live in Idaho in a shack previously owned by the Unabomber.

Still unable to escape Stinky's dulcet tones Ellen will drive an 18 Wheel truck filled with rocket fuel through the front door of The Baron's main boutique DOWN UNDA' on Rodeo Drive.

Although the explosion was massive, the only person killed will be Ashton Kutcher, who was atomised while 'getting a little off the top.'

There was much rejoicing and Ellen was given the Presidential Medal of Freedom, and a year later marries Stinky at a private ceremony in Malibu. They're divorced three days later.

[Ellen M.]

HOORAY! I love being the heroine, even if it means another divorce!

Ellen ;)

[The Baron]

Although I must admit, that's an intriguing concept... No. Never mind. I don't need money that badly.

You're a sick man, Furious D. (I like that in a person.)

[Furious D]

Don't let me be the only sick freak floating around like a dead Quizno's hamster just before he's flushed into the great beyond.

Unleash the latent psychic ability that's lurking beneath the surface of the cesspit of your mind. Let's hear some of your predictions for the future.

I'm throwing down the gauntlet folks. Let your minds open to the future!:D :cool: :p

[The Baron]

Political Predictions for 2004:

Dubya will prove that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction, by producing sales receipts that were saved by his father.

Three weeks before the U. S. Presidential Elections, Osama bin Ladin will be mysteriously "found" by the administration... Hiding out in a private, government-operated country club, where he's been kept for the last year, just in time to be a political advantage to the Bush Dynasty.

In Entertainment News:

Paris Hilton will buy Fox in a take-over bid. The real shock will come when the take-over actually improves programming. Ms. Hilton will begin running infomercials between 3:00 and 5:30 a.m., schilling her own line of adult videos. Her logic is that she made the tapes, and rather than have them show for free on the Internet, she might as well make a profit. The series will be entitled "A Thousand and One Nights in Paris."

Justin Timberlake and Ashton Kutcher will marry in a civil ceremony at San Francisco City Hall. The marriage will be annulled two days later, after the couple can't come to an agreement on who's the bitch and who's the butch. This leads to public speculation, until a medical report is leaked revealing that they share one testicle between them. (The identity of the testicle's original owner is still unknown, but the couple are each claiming it under California Community Property law. It seems they purchased it together while on holiday in Tijuana.)

This just in on the snow-globe:

The original owner of the Timberlake/Kutcher testicle has been identified as Michael Jackson. The nut was i.d.'ed by traces of male adolescent saliva found on the gland.

[Ellen M.]

Baron, one word... HILARIOUS!

Ellen ;)

[The Baron]

In the year 2061, a 102-year-old Michael Jackson is released from prison. To no one's surprize, his appearance has not changed since the day of his incarceration, because he had been able to stay away from light, heat and chemical solvents. Hounded by creditors, and necessity being the mother of invention, Jackson develops a new line of "soap on a rope" products, which he markets to the U. S. penal system. The product is designed to turn to powder upon contact with water. Instead of standard floral, spicy or citrus aromas, the scents of Jackson's products will be "Bad," "Billie-Jean," and "Thriller." A special liquid soap, "Beat It," will go into development as a result of the line's popularity amongst the inmate population.

[Furious D]

By 2005 Hollywood will be so bereft of anymore comic books to adapt into movies that they will resort to adapting old unpopular comic strips. First up is Nancy & Sluggo, directed by Martin Scorsese and starring Hilary Duff as Nancy, and Vin Diesel as Sluggo. The film will earn over 2 billion at the box office and sweep the Academy Awards.

Hoping to cash in on the success of THE LORD OF THE RINGS, producer Jerry Bruckheimer and director Michael Bay will produce the action film BAD HOBBITS. Starring Bruce Willis & Nicolas Cage as Bilbo and Dildo Baggins.

Quizno's Rodents The Movie, starring Stinky, Skanky and Directed by a genius known only as Furious D will earn $5 billion at the box-office, sweep the Oscars, and drive Ellen insane.

I'm having one more vision... It's about the weather...

The year is 2017. Both The Dude and The Baron are patients at the Bob Dole Institute for Impotence Treatment in Lake Flaccid, California when a freak snowstorm hits the normally sunny state.

Having no memory of what winter weather is like, and lacking the common sense that living in a cold climate comes with, they run out to frolic in the snow dressed only in their paper hospital gowns. Sadly, they're found the next day. Frozen solid with their tongues stuck to a lightpole. "It's a tragedy," The Baron's widow Paris Hilton will say to the media, "He knew where the car keys were." The Dude's widow Liza Minelli was also quoted as saying: "He died doing what he loved best. Licking metal objects.";) :p ;) :p :D :cool: :rolleyes:

[Ellen M.]

FYI - It's a short drive...ha, ha!

Have a good weekend my psychic friends!
Ellen ;)

[El Duderino Diablo]

Pfft. I may live in BC but I'm the king of cold weather. Since I no longer live in the frozen climes of BC's northern interior I'm going to go do what you can't, D. Sit on my patio, in my shorts, drinking beer, listening to The Billy Nayer Show and watch the purty girls walk by my home.
Have a nice weekend, D. ;)

Mmmm... schadenfreude.

[The Baron]

Then again, I don't have to shovel rain!

Okay, I have to go... We're having a Mardi Gras Barbeque tonight, and I'm dressing as Baron Samedi. (It's 54 F... I'd better take a jacket!)

:p :p :p :p :p :p :p

Whoa... I'm having a psychic vision:

A man identified only as Furious D is arrested outside his home in the frozen wastes of Canada. He's charged with indecent exposure and lewd conduct when police officers catch him in the act of writing blasphemous rantings against God, the weather, and the names Dude and Baron, in the snow, using his own urine. Raving incoherently, Furious is taken into custody, and treated for Seasonal Depression Disorder and a rather nasty case of frostbite.

[El Duderino Diablo]

This one's just for you, D. Click here. (http://www.panlogic.net/yellowsnow/pee.swf)

[Furious D]

The Russian woman who claims to be Michael Jackson's hetero and legal aged girlfriend will suddenly change her story when MJ officially declares bankruptcy.

Justin Timberlake's relationship with the McDonald's fast-food chain will end when he actually tastes a Bic Mac at a photo-op and power hurls all over Grimace and the Hamburglar. He will be replaced by the Quizno's Rodents, who are only slightly less annoying.

Two weeks later Grimace and the Hamburglar are married in a newly legalised same-sex-different-species wedding in San Fransisco. This act will lead to the being blown up by Governor Schwarzenegger with a rocket. Schwarzenegger will be impeached not for killing the pair, but for letting Timberlake escape.

Realizing that he isn't going to get murdered like his predecessors Tupac & Biggie, thus insuring undeserved legend status, rapper 50 Cent will go out picking fights with everyone. After this fails he then announces that he is a member of Al Quaida and has WMDs in his basement. This gets him his wish and he's violently blown to pieces by an airstrike. Ironically they actually find Saddam's missing WMDs underneath the rapper's basement, guaranteeing Bush's reelection. Sadly, sales of 50 Cent's album plummets to only three copies. One to Janeane Garofalo, one to Sean Penn, and one to Michael Moore.

In another twist the Quizno's rodents and Dr. Dre will adapt 50 Cent's work to their own style. The album GET SAMMICH OR DIE TRYIN' will sweep the Grammys. During their high pitched acceptance speech the stage will be rushed by a mysterious figure known only as Rory. Security will tackle, pepper spray, and basically beat the snot out of him before he reaches his target. Quizno rodent Stinky's wife, Ellen M.,will state in a press conference that the man known as Rory was behind a series of lewd & explicit letters, written in his own blood, revealing an obsession with Stinky's nipples.

Rory will be checked into the Phil Spector Institute for the Mentally Interesting where it is reported that he is treated with monthly lobotomies and shock treatments. By the end of his stay his brain is reduced to the size of a grape and what's left is fried beyond repair. This qualifies him for a seat on the Board of Directors of Disney and he subsequently replaces Michael Eisner as CEO in a bloodless coup. He has Eisner drowned in Splash Mountain.

[The Baron]

Glad to see you posting, D. I was a little worried that you might have a coronary, shoveling all that snow while in a blind rage.

If it makes you feel any better, I'm dealing with flash flood warnings where I live, and damn-near swamped my car driving home from a hard night of drinking and womanizing.

Whoa! Getting another PSYCHIC FLASH on the ol' snow-globe...
In the year 2010, the Fraternal and Beneficial Order of the Pole Weasel will supplant the Freemasons at the apex of the New World Order. The mysterious Supreme Grand Pooh-Bah of the Pole Weasels, known only by the letter "D", will appear out of the icy wastes of the north, and take the head seat at Bilderberg. Then... OH, SWEET MOTHER OF GOD! NO!!! I can say no more.:eek:

[Furious D]

Originally posted by The Baron
Whoa! Getting another PSYCHIC FLASH on the ol' snow-globe...
In the year 2010, the Fraternal and Beneficial Order of the Pole Weasel will supplant the Freemasons at the apex of the New World Order. The mysterious Supreme Grand Pooh-Bah of the Pole Weasels, known only by the letter "D", will appear out of the icy wastes of the north, and take the head seat at Bilderberg. Then... OH, SWEET MOTHER OF GOD! NO!!! I can say no more.:eek:

DAMN STRAIGHT!:cool:

[The Baron]

Okay, man... Chill. I still haven't seen that promised deposit in my Camen Island bank account. What's up with that? ;)

[Furious D]

Originally posted by The Baron
Okay, man... Chill. I still haven't seen that promised deposit in my Camen Island bank account. What's up with that? ;)

Well, you see here's the situation. All my money's in a bank account in Nigeria and I need ten million dollars to pay the Richness Transfer Fees. Nudge, nudge, wink wink. ;) ;) ;)

PSYCHIC FLASH!
I'm foreseeing the rise of the Pole Weasel Academy of Motion Pictures rising in prominence greater then the official Academy and it's awards THE SNUBBIES, being even more coveted. Naturally, that leads to a lot of bitching and complaining about being snubbed by the Snubbies. This leads to the creation of the SnubSnubbies, an award for people snubbed by both the Academy and the Order of the Pole Weasel. For the first time in his life Joe Ezterhaz wins something other than a Razzie.

[Furious D]

In mid 2004 the Quizno's Rodents, Stinky and Skanky, will be named the new spokesrodents for Enzyte, the once a day tablet for natural male enhancement. Their first ad will feature them doing a very special plate spinning act while singing a song in tribute to Enzyte.

Surprisingly, their voices will be transformed into a deeper bass-baritone than their usual hi-pitched shriek.

The ad campaign will totally derange an already obsessed fan named Rory, and save Stinky's marriage to Ellen.

Bob, the old Enzyte Guy, will become a porn-star under the name Lance Goodthrust. His career will last exactly six months. That's when the side-effects of Enzyte kick in.

Bob will be forced to change his name to Roberta and later starts a new life as missionary in the Third World. There Roberta will meet The Dude who is also working as a missionary but by mistake. (He asked for a missionary position, but was misunderstood by the receptionist)

The Dude and Roberta are married on June 12, 2007 in a Druid ceremony at BC's 1st Church of the Indoor Grow-Op. They will have seventeen sons with big creepy grins and enhanced... well... it gets kind of weird then....

[Ellen M.]

Originally posted by Furious D
[i]In mid 2004 the Quizno's Rodents, Stinky and Skanky, will be named the new spokesrodents for Enzyte, the once a day tablet for natural male enhancement.

The ad campaign will totally derange an already obsessed fan named Rory, and save Stinky's marriage to Ellen.

I just want to state for the record that since it's become known that Stinky has "tendencies", I will only agree to stay married to him for a percentage of the money from the Enzyte advertising royalties!

Ellen :mad:

[Furious D]

Originally posted by Ellen M.
I just want to state for the record that since it's become known that Stinky has "tendencies", I will only agree to stay married to him for a percentage of the money from the Enzyte advertising royalties!

Ellen :mad:

His lawyers at Dewey, Cheatham & Howe are already drawing up the paperwork for this new arrangement. Plus, he wants me to tell you that his experiences with Rory have cured him of any more "tendencies." ;)

[Ellen M.]

Too late... there are 2 things I won't tolerate in a marriage... cheatin' & beatin' (and let's add obnoxious, off-key singing too)!

AND, I want the house in the Hamptons!

Ellen :mad:

[Furious D]

Originally posted by Ellen M.
Too late... there are 2 things I won't tolerate in a marriage... cheatin' & beatin' (and let's add obnoxious, off-key singing too)!

AND, I want the house in the Hamptons!

Ellen :mad:

Okay, I've been talking to Stinky and his legal team and they've got a settlement for you.

You get the house in the Hamptons. You and Stinky sell the ski lodge in Aspen, and split the procceeds. You get half the Enzyte royalties, paid in Quizno's Gift Certificates. Stinky keeps the house in Malibu, and gets custody of Stinky jr.

Does that sound fair?;)

[The Baron]

So this is where Jerry Springer scripts are written!

[Rory L. Aronsky]

What, are you kidding? Furious has been Jerry's head writer for years.

[Furious D]

Originally posted by Rory L. Aronsky
What, are you kidding? Furious has been Jerry's head writer for years.

Sssshhhh! You'll blow my secret identity.

By the way, Stinky, the Quiznos Hamster sends his regards and wonders why you don't call anymore.;)

[Ellen M.]

Looks like you're now my solicitor Furious D.
I agree to everything in the settlement, except the part about getting the Enzyte royalties in Quizno's gift certificates. My legal aide J-Lo had advised me to go for the cold, hard cash (i.e bling, bling)... I will accept nothing less.

Do we have a deal?
And tell that motherf---er Stinky that he has 24 hours to get all of his shit out of the Hampton's house! Jerry Seinfeld & his wife are coming over for a party this weekend.

Ellen :mad:

[Furious D]

Originally posted by Ellen M.
Looks like you're now my solicitor Furious D.
I agree to everything in the settlement, except the part about getting the Enzyte royalties in Quizno's gift certificates. My legal aide J-Lo had advised me to go for the cold, hard cash (i.e bling, bling)... I will accept nothing less.
Ellen :mad:

Stinky's willing to co-operate. Half of the royalties will be paid in jewellery taken from the bodies of recently gunned down rappers. It turns out there's plenty of them out there. The other half can be paid in one of two ways. You can either except it in the form of Stinky's navel lint, or Disney stock. (I should tell you to go with the navel lint.)

Oh dear...

Stinky is in my office, crying into a mug of Moosehead beer. It's a sad sight to see a once happy family fall apart. Even more so to see a freakish looking rodent bawling his eyes out while sporting a massive chemically induced erection. It's pathetic and kinda creepy...

[The Baron]

Another PSYCHIC FLASH!

A freak blizzard will strike the eastern provinces of Canada, eh, snowing in residents for weeks. The mysterious cause, a unique weather controlling device, will be discovered some time later. In a telephone call to UPI, credit for the storm will be claimed by a man calling himself "Simon Bar Sinister". (The call will be traced to an undisclosed location in British Columbia.) Bar Sinister insists that the blizzard was created as a "payback."